Baby, Borneo or Bust. . .

34 Weeks

2012-01-28T05:11:00.002-05:00

Crap. I lost a half pound this week! I'm at 138.8. I'm really going to have to step up the eating game. I don't know how I managed to LOSE weight! Luckily, I had to go to Brussels on business (thank goodness for European trains!), and brought home loads of fancy chocolates.

I am feeling really good. I think the baby has turned head-down in the last few days, as I am much more comfortable. Occasionally, my bladder or cervix is very uncomfortable, but it's much better than when she was sideways. It's funny. When I was pregnant with Miss M, she spent a lot of time wedged up under my ribcage on the right side. This baby hasn't really done much of that at all. I suppose it's in part because she's been sidewise (uncomfortable in other ways), and in part because it's the second time around, and things are stretched out, so she doesn't need to be scrunched up under my ribs. I feel little movements down low in my pelvis (hands, maybe?), and sometimes what might be a foot on my right side. She seems much more mellow than Miss M was, but that might just be because my memory of Miss M's pregnancy isn't as clear as it once was.

Brussels was fine. I really didn't want to go. I was cracking myself up thinking of how much I didn't want to go. Two years ago I would have been so psyched for the opportunity to go to Brussels on a business trip. How things have changed! T. was paranoid that I'd go into labor while I was there, so he insisted that he and Miss M come with me, which was nice. We've been to Brussels before, and it's not one of our favorite cities. Still, they caught a few museums while I attended endless meetings, and we managed to squeeze in one really good dinner. Miss M fell asleep at the restaurant (which mercifully had comfy bench seats) shortly after eating her dinner, so we had a long, relaxing meal, complete with dessert. Those moments are few and far between these days, and will only get more scant in coming months, so we really enjoyed it! I was hoping to get in the hotel pool, because it had been so nice a few weeks ago to be weightless. Unfortunately, the pool was ice cold--not exactly the relaxing swim I was looking forward to.

My friends surprised me with a wonderful baby shower last weekend. I truly did not know about it until I was heading to my friend's apartment, and then I sort of figured it out (a few weird things had happened, but I only pieced them together on the way there). I was wearing sloppy maternity clothes (jeans and a wrap sweatshirt, and ugly winter boots), and was completely mad that T didn't make me wear a better outfit! It was fun, though. We played one silly baby game (you couldn't say the word "baby". . .needless to say, I came in last). We got some great gifts (not that we needed anything): a wonderful old silver feeding spoon, some cool baby socks, a couple of cute outfits, and a year-long family membership to the local zoo, among other things. I particularly love the zoo membership and the feeding spoon--so thoughtful!!! They had gone out of their way to travel all the way across town to my favorite bakery for my favorite cupcakes, too. So yummy!

Today, I am going to see a play with a friend. My sister gave me the tickets for Christmas, and was hoping to go with me, but she had something come up. I'm really looking forward to seeing the play. T took Miss M hiking for the day with another friend of ours, so I have a few hours to myself before I have to leave. I've been reading birth stories (Ina May Gaskin's great book "Guide to Childbirth," which really put me in the right, positive frame of mind before MIss M's birth. I feel like I've barely focused on the birth at all, and I've been feeling a bit disconnected from the whole thing. Then it occurred to me go to back and read my old blog posts from the tail end of Miss M's pregnancy and her birth. It felt so special to read them, and so empowering to read back over what I wrote about her birth. There were things that I didn't even remember. It's funny how quickly you forget. Anyway, it has all made me feel more connected. Just six weeks to go! It seems unreal.

And now, I'm off to eat second breakfast and to take a bath.

What Mommy Says

2012-01-23T08:44:00.003-05:00

My sister was watching Miss M recently, and playing "animal sounds" with her:

What does a kitty say?

Miss M: Meow

What does a doggy say?

Miss M: Woof-woof

What does a duck say?

Miss M: Quack-quack

What does a lion say?

Miss M: ROAR!!!

What does mommy say?

Miss M: I love you!

That just melted my heart. Mommy does indeed say "I love you," very, very often.

33 Weeks

2012-01-22T08:31:00.000-05:00

Argh. I only gained a quarter pound this week. I'm at 139.4. I am just enormous, and never hungry. I feel like there's no room for food. I am going to have to get better at force-feeding myself snacks in between meals, as it's the only way that I'm going to add more weight.

I think the baby has shifted to head-down again. When I walk, I can feel her bouncing on my cervix. It's super comfy, let me tell you. It's like being stabbed in the hoo-hoo. As I walked to catch the train on Friday morning, I had to keep stopping, because I kept getting so uncomfortable. But hey, if she's head-down, I will put up with 7 weeks of being stabbed in the cervix.

Things are otherwise good. I feel like I'm bigger than with Miss M, but weight-wise, I'm right in the ballpark of where I was at this point in her pregnancy. Plus, I'm in much better shape this time around, so the weight really is mostly baby. I was really tired Friday, and went to bed at 8, but I've been staying up way too late trying to sort through all of the things I need to get done. I can't believe we're going to have another baby in the house in less than two months! Time is flying by.

Cars

2012-01-21T02:08:00.006-05:00

I am not a car person. I want a safe, reliable vehicle, and beyond that, I could care less what I drive. It's not a status symbol for me, and I don't care what other people say. Oh, and also, I'm really cheap. I don't want to spend a lot of money on my cars.

When we lived in the U.S., I needed 4WD. I lived in a cold and snowy place, and I often had to drive hundreds of miles in bad weather on an emergency basis. I also drove 100+ miles every day, regardless of the whether. Because I put so many miles on, I always bought new vehicles--a small, moderately priced SUV. I put about 120,000 on them, then traded them in. For me, this seemed to strike the right balance between affordability, safety, features that I needed, etc. It was practical.

When Miss M was born, my car was about a year old. I felt like it was a safe vehicle to put her in, and it worked out fine. But then when we moved here, we sold our vehicles. We live in a major metropolitan area with plentiful public transportation. When we travel, we often take trains, and rent a car when that won't work. We haven't had a car since we got here, and it's been fine.

When we go back to the U.S. next fall, though, we will definitely need a car again. We'll be spending a lot of weekends with family, giving the kids a chance to spend time with them, and that will mean driving. We'll need a car to go get groceries. We'll want to make day trips. Plus, for two months, we'll basically be visiting rural or suburban areas where you can't get anywhere without a car.

When we move to South America, we could go either way. We could live without a car, I suppose, but public transportation is much more limited than here. We'll want to get outside of the city, which will be impossible without a car. It's possible to rent, but renting is kind of a hassle. I'd really like to get away on weekends, when we can. Buying a car there seems to be out of the question--vehicles are super expensive. Taxis are really cheap, but only work inside the city.

So I am torn about what to do. Option A would be to buy a used vehicle for maybe half the price of what we would spend on a new one. The is cost effective. I have been setting aside some money to do this, and could pay cash for it, so we'd have no car payment. We could either drive it while were are in the U.S. and sell it, or we could bring it with us to S.A. But, I worry about reliability, and what happened to the car before we bought it. It's also logistically challenging, because we'd have to buy something after we got back to the U.S., or have someone else find something for us. I have a family member that wants to help us find something, but then we'd be stuck with his choice, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. It's complicated.

Option B is to buy a new car in the U.S. We could get it all arranged before we go back, and just pick it up when we land in the U.S.. If we did this, I would likely get another small, modestly priced SUV. It would be a good vehicle for our use in the U.S. and we could take it with us to S.A. It would be a good vehicle for South American roads, too. It's a bit more money than a used car, obviously, but not a ton more than I would spend to get a reliable used car.

Option C is the one that I'm struggling with. We have a chance to buy a new Volvo at a very, very good price. We could buy it here, and have it for the rest of our stay here, which means that we'd be able to use it for road trips during my maternity leave and beyond. We have been talking about attempting to do a two week driving tour before we leave here. There are places we can't visit without a car. We'd be able to ship the car home, and use it as soon as we land in the U.S. We could ship it to S.A., and it would be a good, albeit slightly large, car for there. The downside is the cost--even with the excellent price we'd pay, it's still a pile more money than buying a new SUV, and probably twice what I'd spend on a reliable used car.

The thing that gets me is the safety. I'd feel so comfortable driving my kids around in a Volvo. I think it's the safest of all of our options, and I just can't shake that. Plus, there is the convenience of being able to have it here, and have it ready when we go home, etc. We could even drive it for the next year and sell it for at or even slightly more than what we paid for it (it's THAT good of a deal). Plus, Volvo's warranties apply internationally. A lot of new vehicles void their warranties once you take them outside the U.S.--not helpful for someone who is moving outside the U.S..

But then there is the money. It feels so imprudent to buy a new car that costs that much, even thought it is a very, very good deal. It's outside my comfort zone, although we could afford it. Have I mentioned that I'm cheap? Plus, I had really settled on the idea of buying a used vehicle and paying cash for it, until this great deal came up on the Volvo. Then I circle back around ot the safety issues. I'm just so torn.

Preschool

2012-01-19T17:02:00.004-05:00

I have a million things I want to blog about, like why buying a car is a weird emotional investment as well as a financial one, and about the bad stuff that happened around the holidays. But I'm perpetually exhausted (doing too much for too long after Miss M goes to bed, combined with night terrors, combined with crazy work, combined with 8+ months pregnant). And I'm wrangling with the preschool question, too.

What age is right? How do you know when a child is ready? How many days a week? Full days or half days? I just don't know what to do.

Miss M will be two months shy of 3 when we are able to put her in preschool. If we skip it for next fall/winter, she will be just shy of 4 when we are next able to put her in. Because it's so hard to find a preschool opening where we will be located next fall, we really have to make a decision now, and apply and deal with wait-lists, etc. It's impossible to know where Miss M will be developmentally and socially nine months from now, so it's a little hard to come to a decision. I worry about whether she will be too young. I worry about whether she will be bored if she stays home. I worry about whether it will be too much for her. I worry that she won't be challenged enough if we DON'T put her in preschool next fall. I want her to be happy, and I want to make the right choice. And I do recognize as I agonize over this decision that it's just preschool, and her whole educational career won't be ruined by our decision at this juncture. But still. . .

What feels right to me is part time, half days. Maybe 3 days a week? But, the school I like the best is FT, or PT if you pay for FT. Even though it's PT, they still require full days (ie, your child can attend two or three days a week, but they must be full days). That feels like too much time at preschool.

I'd love to hear thoughts. Or better yet, send me your magic 8 ball to help me decide, as on some days that feels like as good an option as any for making the "right" parenting decision.

This and That

2012-01-16T09:48:00.004-05:00

On Saturday, I had my hair cut in the oddest salon I've ever been in. I've gotten used to weird storefront combinations--the coffee shop that is set in a shoe shop, for example, or a housewares store that also sells baked goods. The hair salon where I booked my appointment (using a coupon I found online) was in a vintage clothing store. When you walked in, racks of vintage coats and dresses were mixed in with gothic mirrors and salon chairs. The waiting area was in a second room, fitted with fainting couches mixed in with vintage jewelry and turn-of-the-century nude paintings. Just beyond that was another room with more salon chairs, and a room for bikini waxing, and another for nails. So, you basically could buy your outfit and get your accessories and head to toe grooming all in one spot. All of the people doing cuts and color were pseudo-punk types who were talking endlessly about being drunk. Despite the odd setting and the frank discussion of substance abuse, I got a very good and much needed cut. I was mulling over long bangs, and after messing with my hair for a while, the stylist concluded that he wasn't sure how they would fall, and didn't think I should do it. Instead, he wanted me to do full bangs. I just couldn't commit to it. I haven't had full bangs since I was in middle school, at least. I did get a lot of long layers, which I'm not so sure about. It looked really fabulous when he dried it, but I won't spend that kind of time drying it, and it's curly if I don't blow it straight. I've only washed it and thrown it in a pony the last few days, so I still don't know how I'll make out when I actually try to do something with it.

I also got a prenatal massage on Saturday. I can't seem to find a true day spa experience in this city. I want something nice and relaxing, and which also feels good. Instead, there is always an ambiance problem, or a technique problem. I want to send the spa technicians to the U.S. for training. This place looked so promising, too, but alas, it was not to be. Even though I told the woman my lower back was bothering me, she spent all of her time on my upper back, and kept doing weird things alongside my spine and in my shoulder blades with her fingers that really, really hurt. Then at the end, she just left without saying anything, and didn't come back. After I paid, the receptionist didn't even say thank you, or come back again, or anything at all! It was just really odd. The silver lining is that even though parts of my upper back are sore and she didn't spend much time on my lower back at all, for whatever reason, my lower back is feeling MUCH better. I was able to walk around to my appointments today without pain, which was a nice change of pace. I never used to like massages, but I am such a believer that they can help. Now I just need to find a good place.

We had our 32 week doctor's appointment today. I had some regular contractions on Friday night, which went away after I drank a pile of water and laid down for a bit, and I've had some stabbing cervical pains, so I was a bit worried about preterm labor. The contractions didn't hurt, but they were every five minutes or so, which had never happened before. My doctor said that I can expect my uterus to be "a bit more irritable" with this pregnancy, and told me to rest if it happens again, and to call if it goes on for more than an hour. She did a quick ultrasound to make sure everything is okay, and indeed the cervix looks perfect, so that was reassuring. The bad news is that I've become a lot more uncomfortable overall in the last few days, which made me think the baby had once again turned from head down to sideways. Indeed, she is once again transverse. I'm a little bummed, as I was hoping she'd move and stay head down, both for the sake of my comfort and for my peace of mind that she was in the right position. The doctor assured me that she still has plenty of time. I'm hoping she's right. I also had blood drawn to check my blood levels (mainly, anemia), and to check for gestational diabetes. My doctor does a blood test, rather than the glucose challenge test. She says the blood test is just as accurate, which I thought was interesting. I also learned that they do not routinely screen for Strep B here, which surprised me. I was negative last time, but do want to be tested again, just in case. They gave me the option, so I'll go ahead and have it done at my next appointment. I gained about 5 pounds this month, which was a relief after only gaining two last month, and my blood pressure is pretty much exactly where it was last month.

Pregnant women are not seen by their doctors or midwives as often here as they are in the U.S.. I think for first pregnancies, women are seen half as often as women are seen in the U.S., and for second pregnancies, they see the doctor even less often. Because I have private healthcare, I am seen more frequently, but I'm still not seen quite as often as in the U.S. At this point in my first pregnancy, I was seen every two weeks. My next appointment isn't for three weeks. My doctor will then see me two weeks after that, and then weekly. From 32-36 weeks in the U.S., I was seen every two weeks, and then I was seen once a week. It's not a huge difference, but I find it interesting nonetheless.

My sister watched Miss M while we were at our appointments, so we grabbed breakfast and had a mini date while we were out. We also did a bit of car shopping, as we discovered a car dealership right near the doctor's office. I wanted to check out some things in person, although we'll be buying an American car obviously, and not a local one. There are just some things you can't do over the internet. It was nice to have a little bit of time that was just the two of us, since we hardly ever do that any more. I've almost forgotten what it was like to just go do something spontaneous (not that car shopping was the most exciting thing to do). It was really nice.

32 Weeks

2012-01-14T02:06:00.004-05:00

Wow. Where did this pregnancy go? I can't believe I'm at 32 weeks.

Overall, I'm doing fine. I'm starting to have some trouble with the stomach muscles under my bump (ie, they hurt), and the trouble with my lower back is off and on. I'm still walking a mile and a half most days, and no doubt this is contributing to the pain, but it's necessary. It's impossible to get around this city without walking. Even if I just walk the minimum, it's still substantial, and I do need to be able to get around. Hopefully, this continued exercise really will lead to the easy birth I've read about! My weight this week: 139.2. So, something like 3.5 pounds in two weeks! I can live with that, given how worried I've been about gaining enough weight.

I think (hope, pray) that the baby has indeed turned. I had a dream a week or so that she was turning, which I think was prompted by the fact that there was a lot of movement in my belly during the middle of the night. I was sort of semi-conscious at the time. It feels like she might have turned. She's been fairly active lately; even though my placenta is in the front (which cushions the blows!), during a work event a couple of nights ago, I could look down and watch my dress moving around throughout the event. It was kind of funny.

T. bought me this great belly balm that I've been using, and it means that my skin isn't itchy, which is really nice. I've actually been using it all over my body, because I'm dry and itchy all over. I hate the water here--it's really hard, and really drying, especially during the winter! They say that every pregnancy is different, and that's definitely true. With Miss M, I had a really dark linea negra. I thought it would never fade, but after time, it did, and disappeared entirely. With this pregnancy, I don't have one at all. I thought that was really weird. I still don't have any stretch marks (yay for that!). I didn't get any with Miss M, so hopefully that will hold true.

Today, I'm scheduled to get a haircut (my firsy since I've been living here--yikes!. I'm also getting a pregnancy massage, whick I'm really looking forward to. I'm trying a new day spa. Hopefully the place is a good one. Then on Monday, we have a doctor's appointment and an appointment with the midwives who work at the hospital (I get a midwife and a doctor for the birth).

Potty Training. . .or Not

2012-01-10T16:34:00.002-05:00

We haven't started potty training yet, because I don't think Miss M is ready. But, we bought a potty and it's in the bathroom, and we've started talking about the concept. Occasionally she'll say that she has to poop, and I'll ask if she wants to use the potty, and she says yes, so we attempt, but nothing successful yet.

Today, T. called me somewhat flustered. It seems that he'd gone to use the bathroom, only to have Miss M run in after him. She had disrobed and was no longer wearing her diaper, and once she got into the bathroom, she promptly said "uh oh," and peed on the floor. Then, she proceeded to apologize, then asked for a bath. When T. went back to the living room, where she had taken off her diaper, he discovered that she had pooped, and there was poop all over the couch (likely because it fell out of her diaper after she removed it).

All i could do was laugh. I guess we should step up our efforts.

Happy Birthday Miss M!

2012-01-09T17:05:00.005-05:00

Dear Miss M,

Today you are two. I just can't believe we've had you in our lives for two whole years. We are so very, very lucky. You are such a happy, laughing, funny little ball of energy. We are just so totally in love with you.

This weekend for your birthday, we went away to this amazing family resort. It was kind of like summer camp for families. We stayed in a one bedroom cabin that had a full kitchen, living room, and a patio that looked out into the forest. You were delighted to feed the ducks that waddled up out of the nearby pond in a perfect little line, just like Make Way for Ducklings. You saw deer and squirrels and all sorts of birds, and found it all just tremendously fun. When we'd ask you if you could find any animals, you'd run over to the glass doors, peer out with one hand up to your forehead, and then said "animals are hiding." It was priceless.

We took you to a bunch of toddler classes, and you had a ball. You've changed so much in just a couple of short months. Back in October, you painted for a bit, but eventually lost interest and started to wander the room. In the first painting class I took you to, which involved tempura paints and glitter and construction paper animal cutouts, you took to it with glee. They gave you all sorts of sponges and rollers and paint brushes and stamps, and big dishes and little dishes of four different colored paints. You just adored it, and you did a fabulous job. When I told you it was time to go, at first you said no, but when you saw all of the other kids leaving, too, you quickly helped clean up and didn't make a fuss. I was SO impressed.

We played on the playground after that, and you were fearless. You wanted to climb all of the tall stuff and use the big slide and climb on the balance beam that slated upwards and generally do all of the things that make me cringe. But I want you to be continue to explore your horizons, and I don't want you to adopt my fears, so I swallowed my own reservations and stood next to you at the ready as you climbed 'round and 'round. You always held on, and you never once slipped. There is a life lesson in that playground for both of us.

Later that day, we did a different class, which involved a tromp through the woods, playing with a parachute, lunch, and a visit with a character from a cartoon that you like. You zestfully ran through the woods with the other kids, but weren't so sure about the parachute games and songs. When the character showed up, you were equal parts frightened and thrilled. After I picked you up, you turned on the charm full blast, smiled, giggled, and patted him on his nose. It was adorable.

We also painted pottery together. All of the other parents were painting their kids pottery for them, or telling them what to do. I let you do it all yourself. You had your choice of pottery to paint--a plate, a mug, a little cup, a cat or a dog. You chose the cat. I asked you which paints you wanted, and you pointed them out. I let you take the brushes you wanted, and then you painted it all yourself. You chose all colors that look great together (all blues and yellows and pinks and greens--such an eye, for two!), and when we got the cat back from the kiln, I was blown away by how fabulous it is. I just love it. You did such a good job painting it. I am such a proud mama!

You and daddy did another class together, too, and he also had a blast with you. When we weren't in class, we were in the amazing pool complex. You loved the toddler water slide, and just loved playing in the pool. You've only been to two swimming lessons so far, but you are already swimming under water. It's crazy! Daddy tells you he's going to put you under, and your mouth is always open when he does it, but somehow when you come up, your mouth is closed, and you haven't inhaled any water. We can't figure out when you shut your mouth, but you clearly do! And you always laugh like crazy when you come up out of the water.

For your birthday today, daddy made you a big breakfast. You ate all of yours, and part of mine! Then we went to the playground before setting off for home. On the way back, we took in a famous site, which you referred to as "big rocks," and then promptly returned your attention to the nearby farm animals. Well, at least we got some cool pictures of you on your birthday! Upon arriving home, you promptly destroyed the playroom, lugging out all of your toys and generally making a mess. It was a great birthday. Next week, we'll have a party with your friends.

At two, you are incredibly curious. You love to fiddle with things--buckles are a favorite. If someone leaves open the baby gate, you go and latch it (you haven't mastered the ability to unlatch it yet, though--last week daddy and I were in another room, and you went and locked yourself in the playroom, then screamed for "help" when you couldn't open the door to come back). You adore the Legos you got for Christmas. At first, you struggled a bit with the train tracks we got you, but you've quickly figured out how to hitch the pieces together and create a track for yourself. I'm impressed by how fast your skills have come along.

You have a large vocabulary, and every day you surprise me with a new word. When we saw a real live ladybug this weekend, you correctly identified it. While playing on the swings, we heard a bird that sounded like an owl, and you pointed up and said "owl!" I'm pretty sure you've never heard an owl in the wild before, so I was amazed that you could identify the sound. You call your sweatpants your "comfy pants," which makes me laugh. Your favorite song to sing is "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," and you randomly bust out with it. You know the alphabet, you can count to 15, and you are starting to correctly identify some colors, although we are still working on a few.

You are still not the best eater in the world. One day you will eat something, and the next day you will not. You've never eaten whole bananas before (you don't like to touch them) and have only eaten them mashed. Today, you asked for one, and ate almost all of it--after downing a full pear, a bowl full of grapes, and two giant slices of pizza. (Of course, you have plenty of meals where all you will eat is a cracker and a slice of cheese!). We generally try not to argue with you over food, and present you with an array of healthy choices. We leave it to you, what you will eat at any given sitting (generally, this involves a protein, a grain and a fruit--there are limits, of course!). You love all fruit, but refuse to eat vegetables. We are working on it, but it's slow going!

You are just a joy. I say that a lot, but it's really true. I love hanging out with you, because you are just so much fun. I really, really enjoy you. I never could have imagined how much fun it is to be your mother, never could have imagined what a big personality you would have, how smart you would be, how just generally amazing you would be. Thank you for being you.

Happy birthday, baby. I love you always and forever.

Love,
Mom

30 Weeks, Happy New Year, and a Birthday

2012-01-02T16:15:00.003-05:00

This is a big week or so for us. I hit 30 weeks on Saturday. It is a new year--Happy New Year! And, Miss M turns 2 a week from today. We have much to celebrate right now.

So first, the pregnancy: I only gained a couple of ounces this week (sigh): 135.8 pounds. I'm trying to up my food intake, but it's hard. I feel like I am force-feeding myself, but I'm worried about whether the baby is getting the right nutrition (I'm sure she is, despite my neuroses--I eat a healthy and balanced diet) and gaining enough weight (this I worry about, although my doctor isn't worried at all). I'm trying to cook new and different things to tempt myself into eating. Tonight I made a roast chicken stuffed with fresh ginger, with roasted pineapple, peppers, hot peppers, carrots and onions. After everything is cooked, you take half the veggies and puree them in the food processor with a little sugar and balsamic to make a sauce for the chicken. It's a pretty delicious meal, although also fairly healthy and low-cal. To compensate, I also made brownies. I am on my way down to the kitchen in a minute to get a second one.

Overall, I am feeling good, although my skin around my belly button has been feeling sore (like someone is scratching me with a needle), and I'm still having trouble with my back. There is also a fair bit of pulling around my belly. I am still walking about a mile and a half a day, which feels good while I'm doing it, and is keeping me somewhat in shape, although I am REALLY slow, at this point. I talked with my doctor about whether I should cut back, and she advised against it. She said I might find myself even more uncomfortable, if I move less. The discomfort makes me cranky by bedtime, and my husband is getting sick of me (Miss M is getting all the good bits of me, and he's getting grouchy demands). The upside to this is that he now thinks we should stick with 2 kids, rather than 3 or 4 (as if that's even possible!), because he doesn't want to ever deal with me pregnant again. :) My evil plan is working!

The arrival of the new year has shocked us into realizing just how many things we have to do in 2012! We've been thinking of 2012 and all it holds as something very far away, and now suddenly it's here. The baby will be here in just 10 short weeks. We now have just 9 months left in Europe. When we first got here, it felt like we had forever. Now, time is dwindling. Have I mentioned that we leave here this fall, and head back to the U.S. for some training? I can't remember. We'll be there through the winter, and we are really looking forward to it. After that, I've accepted a job in South America, which we are also extremely excited about. But a new baby and another big move mean all sorts of things to work out, and things I've not had to worry about before.

For instance, preschool. Miss M will turn 3 a couple of months after we get back to the U.S.. Initially I thought that we wouldn't bother to put her in preschool until we moved to South America. But it's becoming increasingly clear that we really should put her in next fall. One, there is the socialization. She loves other kids, but even with play dates and park dates and swim lessons, she doesn't get enough interaction just staying home with daddy. Two, there is the structure. In taking her to a few art, etc. classes, you can tell that she hasn't attended as many formal classes as some other kids--they sit quietly while she wanders and explores. I think we need to ease her into something that will teach her that she must sometimes sit still and pay attention. Three, there is T's sanity. She is an awesome kid, but she is a busy kid. I think he will be at his wits end with an infant and trying to keep up to her. Four, she's ready for a new intellectual challenge. It will be really good for her. And five, we're looking at Spanish immersion schools, so that Miss M gets a little language in before we head south.

And yet, while I intellectually can assess the situation and say that we should explore preschools, she seems too young. How can I let my baby go off with strangers? I've never even let a non-family member babysit her. She's always been with us. Always. It's a little hard for me to emotionally consider this. Good thing I have 9 more months! By the way, despite the fact it's so far off, thank goodness I actually thought to check this week. Preschool applications for next year are due by the end of the month!!! This seems like sheer insanity to me. And there are interviews. INTERVIEWS for preschool. I didn't even have an interview for grad school, and I went to a top school! But anyway, I've narrowed it down to a few schools, and I'm waiting for more info from them.

In connection with preschool, I also just realized I have to get Miss M the hepatitis vaccines. I delayed doing them until she was older, but they require multiple jabs, and it turns out that at least Hep B is required for preschool. That wasn't something I had given any thought to. Luckily, we have a two year checkup coming up, so we can hopefully take care of the first series then. Preschool also made me think about college. . .as in, I still hadn't set up the college account for Miss M. So, in the waning hours of the old year, I finally set it up, and set one up for the baby, too. I've asked my mother to spread the word that gifts are nice, but we'd love for people who want to send birthday presents to Miss M or baby presents for the baby to consider putting money in their college accounts, instead. I hope people don't think that's too forward. People have been very generous with us, though, and we are bursting with toys and baby clothes. I did also set up a baby registry on Amazon. We need a few odds and ends like new bottles, new baby gym toys, and diapers. If people insist on sending something, I thought it made sense to register for the types of things we need. It's a very short list, though.

What else in 2012? Well, we still haven't come up with a middle name for the baby, or even really settled on a first name. I need to work out just how long I'll be taking for maternity leave. I think it will be 10 weeks, but I'm still trying to sort the details. I need to wash the bassinet bedding and the baby clothes, and find somewhere to stash them all in this house (which has limited drawer space). I have loads of projects at work that I need to get whipped into shape in the next few weeks, so that they will be okay floating out there while I'm on maternity leave.

On the less important/fun side, we are also toying with doing a relaxed-pace road trip toward the end of my maternity leave, but have no details worked out about that at all. If we're going to do it, I need to figure out how to make it work. We also need to buy a car in the U.S. (we sold ours just before moving here, and use public transportation or rent when we need one), to be ready for when we land. We are also toying with a trip to Disney in the fall. We were going to do it for Miss M's 3rd birthday and invite the grandparents, but I figured out that I won't be able to take time off next January, so we thought we'd spend a week in Florida before I start the training I need. It sounded really lovely way to transition back to the States at first (American resort! Kiddie pool! Warm weather!). But now, trying to negotiate multi-family logistics is starting to look like an unpleasant task. Everyone has their own ideas of what they want to do and where they want to stay. Ugh.

Finally, we have Miss M's 2nd birthday. I've just bought her a few books, because really, what does the child need two weeks after Christmas? But her real gift is that we are taking her away for a family weekend. We're going to a place that has a big indoor kiddie pool, tons of toddler activities, and great playgrounds--not to mention a quick spa treatment for me and lengthier ones for T, and a real fireplace in our room! I am so looking forward to it. It's the kind of place I would have never visited before I had a child, and now I can't wait to take her there and watch her reactions to everything. I think she will have a blast, and it will be great to just hang out and focus on her. I'm so looking forward to peaceful family time.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-26T04:46:00.005-05:00

We had a really nice, relaxing Christmas this year. We started off by throwing a dinner party for some friends on Christmas Eve. I made filet mignon, potatoes dauphinoise, salad with pomegranates, roasted carrots, a cake, and there was free-flowing wine for everyone but me. I set the table and created a centerpiece out of flowers and greens, and we had old-school Christmas music playing. The house was all decorated and T cleaned until it sparkled (yay for that!). It was just really festive and fun. My mother sent over the most gorgeous dress for Miss M; she loved the twirly skirt and looked beautiful. T has become extremely proficient at doing her hair, which cracks me up. He had it all pulled back in a pony, and it looked so lovely. She was full of energy and made everyone laugh all night. She went to bed just before the adults had dinner, so the dinner itself was a grown-up dinner, which was nice for T and I.

My mother got Miss M a play kitchen for Christmas. T. had assembled it Christmas eve day, so after dinner on Christmas Eve, our friends helped bring the play kitchen and its accessories upstairs. As a side note, it's a Step2 play kitchen, and worth every penny of its $150 price tag. It is really sturdy, and does all sorts of things. There is an undercounter light that turns on and off; a phone that rings; the buttons on the microwave really work (and it makes a "microwave" sound, as well as a popcorn noise), and the stove does something really fabulous. When you put the frying pan (also included) on the stovetop, it lights up and makes a sizzling sound (the pan is translucent). When you put the large pot (also included) on, it lights up and sounds like boiling water. It's just really cool. Plus, it came with tons of accessories--a stainless steel veggie strainer, all sorts of stainless steel kitchen accessories like a spatula, plastic dishes, plastic silverware, pots and pans, condiments (including a pepper grinder with a top that actually goes around). It's just a great set.

Once the kitchen was in place, our friends were thrilled to have the chance to assemble the Lego train that Santa brought for Miss M. I was exhausted at that point, and the idea of getting down on the floor with my sore back and giant tummy wasn't overly appealing, so I was grateful for their help. It was hilarious to watch them try to sort out what and how to build, and tons of fun (particularly when paired with homemade limoncello one of them brought, which I again abstained from. Well, I had a sip, just to taste--it was really good!). We played vintage Christmas movies (ie, Santa Claus is Coming to Town) in the background while they worked. It was just really, really fun.

Christmas morning, Miss M was up at her usual 6:30 a.m. I turned on the tree lights and the room lights, and then we brought her in. I filmed it as she came into the room, so my mom could see her reaction to her toys. She was thrilled. It was adorable. She was enthralled by both the "choo choo train" and the kitchen, and went back and forth playing with the two for more than an hour. Around 8, we sent her upstairs to wake up my stepsister. Miss M apparently wakes her up by trying to open the shades, whichI think is funny. When she tries to wake me up, she comes over to the side of the bed and says "mommy wake up! Get up please!" I guess my stepsister needs a little more help than that!

When everyone was up and assembled in the living room with a cup of coffee/tea, we started opening presents. It took until about 2 to open everything, because Miss M wanted to play with each thing that she opened. Soon, the living room was a giant mess of pieces of things and wrapping paper. We took a hiatus at lunchtime to eat and clean up, before we continued on. As always, my family was incredibly generous and sent Miss M loads of fun things to play with. Santa mostly got her legos (she loves them), and she adores the play kitchen. She's constantly making me tea. I got her the Fisher Price talking tea set, which is really cute. When you pour a cup of tea, it makes the pouring sound. She also makes me tea in the microwave. We have a tea kettle, so I'm not sure where she learned to do that!

T. bought me some lovely, thoughtful Christmas gifts. I had looked at this maternity set at a local high-end body products store. It's gorgeous stuff that they don't sell in the U.S. He wasn't even with me when I looked at it. It was so expensive that I bought myself a small bottle of their maternity bath oil, which I'm almost out of. He couldn't have even known that I looked at the set, but he knows I love their stuff, and he got me the set as part of my Christmas present! It's so nice. It came with tummy cream that is divine. The water here is incredibly hard, plus it's winter, so my skin is dry and itchy everywhere. He got me all sorts of other cool stuff, too. We are so busy all of the time with Miss M and doing things that it was nice to get so many special, thoughtful gifts. I hadn't expected him to go to so much trouble. My stepsister also got me tickets to see a play that I really want to see, which was also really kind of her. She's a student, so I appreciate that she sacrificed some of her hard-earned cash for me.

I think everyone liked the gifts I found for them, as well. I made up calendars this year on my Mac. I have to say, the quality of the Apple printing is really high, and the gifts shipped directly and got to their destinations quickly. For every month, I featured photos of Miss M from that same month last year. I thought it was a cute way of showing how she grew over the last year, sharing some of the best photos of her, and showing what we did. I tried to use different photos from the ones I used in our Christmas card, so the people I sent them to now have lots of nice photos of Miss M. (I am notoriously bad about sending photos, even though email makes it easy!). I also sent along other presents with the calendars. For my mom, I arranged for a professional photographer to take pictures of the girls, my mom, and me when my mom visits after the baby is born. I thought it would be cool to get some good photos taken of our three generations of women. My mom is hard to buy for, and T thought that would be a good present for her. I thought it was an inspired idea. We sent T's mom a plane ticket to visit after the baby is born. The grampa's got relatively uninspired clothing and other odds and ends, but they are all a little harder to buy for, and I sent them cool stuff that is only available locally.

For T, I really tried to come up with gifts to spoil him. I arranged for us to go away for a weekend, where he'll have some time on his own to get spa treatments. I got him special cognac glasses and an expensive bottle of cognac. I bought him a few shirts, and some other odds and ends that I thought he'd be into. I think he liked everything. The shirts look fabulous on him! It's so hard to buy over the internet sometimes, because you never quite know how it's going to turn out.

Mid-present-opening, we took a break for our Christmas morning tradition: eggs benedict and mimosas. T and I decided years ago that we needed our own Christmas traditions, so that has been one of ours forever. I brought out the Waterford crystal champagne glasses, and enjoyed virgin mimosas alongside them. As always, it was a delicious tradition!

There were a few gray spots to our holiday, but I'm choosing not to focus on those right now. All in all, it was just a really great Christmas, filled with laughter and love and happiness. It's such a joy to celebrate Christmas with a much-longed for child. It's hard to believe she's almost two. It feels like just yesterday we were wondering if things would work out, and here we are now, in the thick of laughter and light and love. We are so blessed.

Christmas Eve and 29 Weeks

2011-12-24T07:09:00.002-05:00

We are reasonably on track for Christmas. I have all of the Santa and Miss M presents wrapped. I still have to do my husband and sister. T is putting together the play kitchen as I type this. It is a fabulous kitchen. There are all sorts of battery-operated functions: the burners light up when you put pots on them (and the pots are semi-see-through, so you can tell); there is a telephone that rings; the microwave has buttons you can press and make it "come on," complete with noise, and there is a light over the stove. It also came with all sorts of pots and pans and accessories. I kind of want to play with it! We opened our last advent present this morning: matching Mickey Mouse Christmas jammies for everyone. T's family used to have matching Christmas jammies when he was a kid, and I thought it was an adorable tradition, so I've started it this year. There are presents under the tree. Now I just have to get started on making the cake for tonight's dinner party.

But of course, despite my best efforts, I've discovered I'm short a few ingredients. I planned to make a different dessert for tonight, but then discovered I'd overlooked the fact that it required THREE HOURS of simmering in a double boiler--and that was just step one. So, I've changed the dessert to a much simpler cake. Plus, the new cake will allow me to use my fancy Bundt pan, so it will look smashing. I'm off to the store in a few minutes in search of the missing ingredients.

I'm also 29 weeks today, and increasingly enormous. I just took some belly pic's and weighed myself on the new scale: 135.6 pounds. I probably started at around 115 or so, but I'm not really sure. So, now I have a baseline weight to work off. I know that doesn't sound particularly heavy, but my midsection really is huge. I look like an olive on a toothpick. My back continues to trouble me. I live with the hot water bottle, and when I first stand up, I am hunched over until my back gets used to being standing and straightens out. I am like the Tin Man--I need a little oil! Time to schedule that massage, I think.

Happy holidays to you and yours.

The Beauty of City Living

2011-12-21T15:00:00.002-05:00

When we lived in the U.S., we lived in a pretty rural area, so it wasn't possible to have groceries delivered. This made the holiday time a bit more hectic, because invariably I would forget items and have to drive 20 minutes to the closest store to get them. Can I tell you how much I enjoy having a small but well-stocked grocery within walking distance, for those last-minute emergencies? Can I tell you how even more, I enjoy grocery delivery? We used to do it when we lived in Boston in a third floor walkup and didn't have a car. I've missed it since then. But here, we have it again, and I love it. I was able to plan out all of my holiday menus and order all of the ingredients online. Since T. is home during the day, he waits for the delivery, and then puts them away before I get home from work. It's so much less hectic than tromping around the supermarket myself, looking for the right ingredients.

Even better, we discovered a company that delivers organic produce. They do mixed boxes every week for a surprisingly low price. You can go online before your delivery and see what you're getting, so if you don't like something, you can substitute. Occasionally it's a little wonky--they sent me persimmons last week instead of the bananas I was supposed to get. But, because they send it, I try new stuff, which was kind of the point in doing it. T. doesn't push veggies on Miss M the way I wish he did (because he doesn't like them himself), and I don't want her to have his eating habits. This is my way of ensuring there is always healthy food in the house, and a good selection of it. Case in point: yesterday after swim lessons he took her to McDonald's as a "prize" for swimming under water 4 times (which, by the way: totally awesome!). I had to point out to him that we don't want to make bad food a "reward," as that's not a lesson we want to impart. So anyway, the organic veggies. . .we're trying lots of new stuff, we always have food on hand, it's no work for me, and it's inexpensive. What's not to love?

But it gets better. The organic veggie company delivers fruit and organic meats, cheese and other dairy, baked goods, baby food, and so much more. I ordered a cool bread making kit, the most amazing organic filet mignon, handmade chocolate truffles, etc. And they just appear on my doorstep once a week! It's simply brilliant. It's made my life easier in a small but very good way. I'm eating more produce as a result, as is Miss M (and even T., because I'm slipping them into delicious soups!!!).

So, as the week winds down and I wonder how I'll manage to wrap all the presents, I am feeling confident that my grocery shopping is at least all done and I'll be ready to start cooking this weekend when I'm ready. All my presents are bought. Menus are worked out. Mostly, my work is done, and I can just enjoy the holiday. Happiness!

28 Week Appointment

2011-12-20T15:21:00.003-05:00

I had my monthly appointment with the doctor today. Overall it was good. My blood pressure is still low. I only gained about two pounds since last month, which I thought was bad, but the doctor was fine with. Not much bothers her, though--which I find very European. I think my hair could be on fire, and she's be blase about it. Anyway, I've noticed less movement over the last week, so she did an ultrasound. The baby is positioned differently, but most decidedly NOT head down! She's laying across my abdomen, with her head on my right side and her legs folded up on the left, with her feet somewhere around my belly button, where she keeps kicking me. One arm was over her face, while the other was was underneath her, down low in my abdomen. I was worried about the cord, but the doctor could see a lot of it, and wasn't worried at all, and she said the cord is nowhere near the cervix.

As previously noted, I finally ordered a scale that has pounds on it (I couldn't find one here, and I hate kilograms!), and had it shipped from the U.S., so I'll be able to track my weight gain. That should guilt me into eating when I don't feel like it. Sigh. I've really been trying to eat well. It's so hard when I always feel full.

Next month, I'll have an appointment with my doctor, and also one with a midwife at the hospital where I'll be delivering. Weird. It's weird to think we are almost to the point where we will be going to the hospital. My doctor said today "you're almost finished!" She also wholeheartedly supported my plan to get more massages to try to ease my back pain. She recommended I keep as physically active as I have been, as she thinks it may get worse if I don't. So, massages it is!

I also realized I had a few more presents to buy, but I bought the last two Christmas presents today--a gift certificate ordered over the phone to be delivered in the U.S., and an insanely expensive bottle of fine cognac for my husband. He's been such a patient and amazing father and husband over the last year. I wanted to do some ridiculously indulgent things for him this Christmas, and I won't often have the chance to buy him rare French cognac that isn't exported to the U.S. Hurray for being done with Christmas shopping! Now I just have to wrap everything to put under the tree!

Great Day at the Theater

2011-12-18T10:10:00.004-05:00

I have had a really great day.

We started off this morning by opening little presents from the advent calendar that I made for Miss M and T and my sister. In order for you to understand where this is going, you have to know that my husband went prematurely grey in his 20's, and currently has a beard, which is also grey/white. When I gave Miss M the sticker that says what day the present is, a Santa sticker, I asked her who was on the sticker. Very confidently, and without missing a beat, she said "my daddy!" I was so proud--proper use of pronoun and not even two! And also, hilarious!

We had to get dressed and out of the house early this morning, because we had theater tickets. We got everyone dressed and out of the house exactly on time. The bus came just when it was supposed to, and we ended up near the theater early. We had time for Starbucks (peppermint hot chocolate!) and Miss M took a short little nap, then we were off to claim our seats. They had these really cool snowman fiber optic lightstick thingys, which we of course bought Miss M. She was delighted. When we got to our seats, they were perfect--second row, with great views of the stage. The show started on time, and Miss M was mesmerized right from the beginning. The child sat through an hour and forty-five minute play and utterly behaved! (Contrast this to the fancy children's Christmas party I recently took her to, thrown by my office in a ridiculously nice place. As the gathered crowd of other well-behaved children politely listened to 'Twas the Night Before Christmas and sang Silent Night to live piano accompaniment, she ran at top speed through the crowd, yelling "excuse me!" as she blew past people, with me hot on her heels lest she get sugar cookie icing on the silk-covered furniture or 17th century hand-painted wallpaper. She couldn't be contained for a split second, let along HOURS!) She was just entranced. Every once in a while she would look up at me, put her hand on my face, and smile. It was pure joy. At intermission, she even managed to eat snacks without spilling them all over her pretty dress. We bought her this little stuffed snowman, too, who is just her size, and she spent the remainder of the play clutching him to her. It was adorable. I love theater, so it was so satisfying to watch her enjoy it, as well.

After the play ended, we went out for lunch, where she again was an absolute angel. She colored and ate an entire basket of breadsticks. No real food, mind you, but such are things these days. Hopefully dinner will see us get something a bit healthier into her! Overall, it was just such a happy, fun day, and everything went along so smoothly. It was amazing. It really got me in the holiday spirit.

28 Weeks

2011-12-17T16:21:00.004-05:00

Although I haven't been a very good blogger during this pregnancy (work plus toddler makes it tough!), it's definitely helpful that I blogged more regularly through my first pregnancy. I've been feeling a bit neurotic--have I been eating well enough, have I been gaining enough weight, etc., etc. I just looked back at my old blog posts from this point in my last pregnancy, and all my concerns were the same. I just checked out the photos I took of myself back then, too. I am smaller overall, and in much better shape now (I walk everywhere, still). But, my belly is MUCH bigger now than it was in my first pregnancy. I have a very serious woman-who-swalled-an-oversized-basketball look to me. So I am probably worrying about nothing. Still, I constantly feel full, am never hungry, and feel like there is no room to eat, so I worry.

I'm going to try to blog more. I miss having this little piece of quiet time for myself to just kind of focus on me and the child that's inside of me. After Miss M goes to bed, I always seem to have a to-do list to accomplish, and then I fall into bed exhausted, and the new day is here before I know it. But I'm going to try to squeeze a little blog time in for me from now on. I want to spend a little time each day just focusing on myself and this baby. I feel like I haven't done enough of that, and she'll be here before I know it! When I was first pregnant, one of the nurses told me that the pregnancy would be nothing like my first--that it would fly by, and I'd have no time relaxing on the couch with my feet up, and boy was she right!

These last few weeks of the year are a good time to refocus. We aren't traveling for the holidays, and (somewhat sadly) no one is coming to visit us, because people are going to fly over after the baby is born. We're doing a dinner with some friends who can't travel on Christmas Eve, and then Christmas Day it will be just us and my step-sister, who has been living with us for the last few months. As sad as I am that family isn't visiting (or that we aren't visiting family), it should be really relaxing. We're making filet mignon for Christmas Eve and a ham for Christmas dinner. Turkey costs and arm and a leg here, so I'm skipping the bird for Christmas (think $100 for a 10 pound turkey, and you're in the ballpark!--totally crazy!). We always start Christmas day with mimosas (none for me this year!) and eggs Benedict, and we watch Christmas movies when we're done unwrapping presents. . .relaxing. All of my shopping is done, my packages are mailed, and the house is both clean and decorated. I bought us all matching pajamas--something T's family did when he was a kid. It's a little ridiculous, but I like the tradition of it. Plus, I got us all Mickey Mouse pajamas, which Miss M will go wild for. So, I have to do some wrapping, and that's it! I've been Christmas planning for at least a month, which is the only reason my shopping is done. I've never been done this early. Work will also be quiet these last few weeks, so that should give me some room to refocus, as well.

I have my next doctor's appointment on Tuesday. I should have gained another 4 pounds. I've been right on track the last few visits, and expect that I'm doing okay this time, too. I don't have a scale at home (just bought one, but haven't used it yet), so I can't tell how much I weigh right now. I'm definitely getting bigger, though! Overall I'm feeling well. They baby is very active, and has been for a long time. I get worried when she slows down, given how active she generally is. I can't tell how she is positioned, though. I don't think she's head down, and I'm starting to worry about that. I know there's still time, but still.

Because I walk a lot here (1.5 miles a day, in general), I'm a bit stiff and sore. My lower back, in particular, is bothering me. I've been using the hot water bottle every night, which helps. It's a bit of a conundrum--I don't really want to walk less, because I want to stay in good shape, and also because I still have just under 3 months to go, and I'll need to get myself around this city until then. But if I keep up the exercise, it's definitely only going to make my back worse as time goes on. I've slowed down my pace, but that doesn't help. I'm going to try adding some massages. The good news is that I just switched my health insurance to a different plan, and the new plan allows me $50 toward a massage 30 times a year!!! I could not believe that was a benefit (it's also a better plan for me to use in this country, which is why I switched). Massages here are really expensive--basically twice what I'd pay in the U.S.--but with $50 off per massage, they are looking highly affordable again. I just have to find a good pregnancy masseuse. I've had one massage recently, a few weeks ago when my back was really bad, but it was just okay, and it was too far from my house. There's a place not too far from my house that I have yet to try, but that's definitely in my future.

Things overall are good. Miss M started having night terrors again, which has always meant a developmental leap. We couldn't imagine what it could be this time, but all of a sudden she has loads of new words and loads of sentences. She's also gone through a bit of a growth spurt. The kid just cracks me up so much. Work is chaotic, but basically good. There's been a recent change in management, and the new management team isn't quite in sync yet, which has heavily contributed to the chaos. Miss M's 2nd birthday is next month, and I've planned a long weekend away as a surprise. It's a family resort not too far from where we live, with a giant indoor toddler pool and lots of toddler activities. One of the great things about it is that only one parent can accompany the toddler to the activities (except the pool), so while one parent is with Miss M, I've booked the other for spa treatments at the spa. I'm giving the bulk of these to my dear husband, who kind of needs a break from her toddlerness. He will be psyched. They have this half-day spa thing that involves all these different steam rooms, hot pools, water features, etc. Hopefully there will be other men there, too, but given that he'll have hours to himself, I doubt he'll care if he's the only guy. He's getting a massage, too. I am getting some sort of combined maternity treatment that involves a mini facial/body treatment/massage. My skin is crazy dry right now (I HATE the water here--so drying, especially this time of year!). Anyway, I can't wait for him to open the gift card on Christmas to see it all. I think he'll be happy with it. I know I'm looking forward to it! We have a cottage to ourselves with a kitchen and a wood-burning fireplace, too! Heaven. We'll be able to eat in or out. I was even able to pre-order groceries which will be there when we get there. It sounds both fun and relaxing, and I'm excited to get some quality time with Miss M for three days.

Tomorrow, we are taking Miss M to the theater to see a Christmas play. It will be her first theater experience. We took her to see Disney on Ice a while back, and she sat mesmerized for the entire show. We'll see how this one goes. I'm looking forward to it. It's supposed to be a really good show, and I was able to get us good seats. I guess I'd better get myself to bed so I can get a good night's sleep, since we have a big day ahead of us!

26W5D and Counting!

2011-12-07T18:31:00.003-05:00

I am slow to post because I am BUSY!!! Work has been interesting and challenging and fun and crazy. I threw myself into Christmas early and did most of my shopping, so that is mostly taken care of. I decided to make my own advent garlands for Miss M and T, which was a TON of work, but has turned out to be very fun. Miss M loves her little morning present. I put together a really detailed photo Christmas card with a nice little note about our adventures during the past year, to send off to far-flung family and friends. I ended up using Apple this year because it was just so easy (albeit, not particularly creative in terms of layouts). Would you believe the order arrived two days later??! The print quality is pretty good, although not as good as Scrapblog, which I used to love. Unfortunately, they merged and are no longer in business, and the new company's website looks kind of sketchy and I didn't want to take the risk.

And then there is this baby. I can't believe we are almost to 27 weeks. She is really active now, and from what I can tell, she is not at all in the right position (ie, head down). I feel jabs really low in my pelvis (like, bikini line low), and then way up by my ribs, and then in the middle of my belly, often in succession. I can't even imagine how she's managing it! I feel really good, though. I'm a bit stiff (because I keep doing too much, probably), but I'm still walking 1-2 miles a day. I finally had to give up my long weekend hikes, though. It was just too much for my poor back and stomach muscles. I am struggling to eat, as I constantly feel full, but I'm gaining exactly as much weight as I should be, so I think I'm doing okay. My next doctor's visit is in two weeks. We talked about delivery during the last appointment. I'm still not crazy about healthcare here, and really should find a doula, but I still haven't gotten around to it. Philosophically, this doctor sounds like she's much more on the same page with me than the practice that delivered Miss M. If my water breaks and I'm not in labor, as long as everything sounds okay, she doesn't want to see me. She's fine with me laboring upright. She gets why I don't want constant monitoring, and is fine with periodic monitoring (which I had with Miss M, but had to fight for mid-labor). She is fine with no drugs, no Pitocin, etc. Of course, I know all too well that doctors can sing a different tune during labor.

I also found out that in addition to my doctor being around to deliver the baby, I'll actually have a midwife with me the entire time who is assigned to me by the hospital. But it won't be someone I've ever met. This strikes me as so incredibly odd. But, that's how it's done. It's all the more reason I'd like to get a doula, who I can at least meet in advance and have some comfort level with. I've wished a thousand times that my previous doula was available for this birth! She was so fantastic. Now I need to find someone just like her.

I just realized it's gotten quite late here, and I have to work tomorrow. More soon!

Miss M at 22 Months

2011-11-21T16:06:00.006-05:00

Dear Miss M,

Every day, I sit and stare at you in wonder. How did we get so blessed with such a smart, funny, personable little kid? We are so lucky to be your parents.

You went back to New England with your dad in August when you were about 19 months, and had such a language explosion while you were there. We Skyped every day, and you shocked me every day with your new words and expressions. I was so worried about how it would be for you to be away from me, and how it would be for me to be away from you. It was hard for both of us, I think, but you did fantastic. You played on the beach every day and hung out with friends and took it all in stride. You would reach out your arms to me as though to give me big hugs through the computer screen when we Skyped, which got me through the rough bits. I missed you terribly. But, you learned to sleep in a crib while you were visiting grandma, and daddy says you didn't even put up a fight. We had NO chance of doing that while you were at home--it was major meltdowns every time we tried to put you in your crib. I was able to join you in the U.S. for the last week of your trip, and I was amazed that you slept in the crib even with me there. It was fun to play with you in the lake, and to watch how outgoing and personable you were with all of the friends and family that you hadn't seen since you were a tiny baby.

You were also able to play a key role in announcing your sister's impending arrival to our friends and family. We bought you a pink tshirt with elephants on it that says "I'm going to be a big sister." We put it on you the day we threw a big cookout, and sent you out into the crowd in it. We brought you by your uncle and grandfather first. Your uncle caught on quickly, but grampa was a little slower to pick up on it (probably because he wasn't wearing his glasses!) It was a fun way to tell everyone, and you certainly enjoyed running around to show everyone your shirt.

We went to your other grammy's house for a week after that, and you had a great time playing with all of the toys there. You were also a champion shopper, as I ran all of the errands we needed to accomplish there. We went to the most amazing amusement park for toddlers, too, and you had just a blast on the rides. You sobbed every time we took you off the merry-go-round. You thought that was just the best. It was a joy to watch your face as you rode round the merry go round on the pony, and waved to daddy as he passed by. It was a fabulous day.

And sure enough, when we got back home at the end of the trip, you went to sleep in your crib without protest, and you've been sleeping there ever since. You don't even mind taking naps. You cheerfully say "nuh-night," we pop you in the crib, turn on your sheep (which plays whales sounds, which you don't like, but ocean and rain sounds, which you love), and you either chatter away to yourself for a bit, or you go right to sleep. No fussing even at nap time! I can't believe that you transitioned so well, and so fast. We are all sleeping better as a result.

Since your trip back to the U.S., it has been just amazing to watch your language develop. I made a potato-leek soup recently, and you insisted on having a bite. "I don't think you'll like it," I said. You took a bite, then pronounced "I like it." Today I asked you if you had had a good day with daddy, and you said "maybe." You are constantly making your preferences known, and I love every minute of it, even when you are being obstinate. Actually, I might love those moments best (even when I have to discipline you for them), as I love watching your little personality develop. You are smart as a whip, too. You can count to 15, and you know the alphabet. If someone is singing the alphabet and stops, you will continue on exactly from where they left off. You can put all of the shapes through the correct holes in the shape sorter. You are also working on your colors, although everything seems to be both "blue" and "yellow" these days. I have faith you'll get there, though, and that it will be soon, given how quick you are to master new tasks. You also like to point to letters on the computer keyboard and on the alphabet that is hanging on the wall, so I think you will soon recognize the letters, too! You are also quickly learning songs like "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," "Row, row, row your boat," and "Itsy Bitsy Spider," complete with hand gestures. And every day, something new! When one of our friends stopped by the other day, someone you see perhaps once a month, you asked where her husband was, by name. It just amazes me to watch you make these kinds of connections.

You are a pretty good eater these days, too. Everyone at home in the U.S. was impressed by your diverse palate. As your mother, I of course worry that you aren't eating enough of the right stuff. You still love dairy--yogurt, cottage cheese, cheese, and milk. The only things you will drink are milk and water. You love chicken, and will eat piles of it, and do fine with meat, as well. You love fruit--blueberries, in particular, but also strawberries, apples and plums. I can't get you to eat banana. I think it's a texture thing. You feel the same way about melons, and won't go near them. I tried to feed you mango yesterday, and you refused to try a bite. We are doing very poorly with all vegetables. You won't eat any of them. In desperation tonight, I tried mixing equal parts vanilla yogurt, mashed sweet potato and mashed apple. Success! I wonder how broccoli-pear yogurt might fare? Hmmm. . . .We don't feed your junk food or sugar, with one terrible exception (I blame daddy!): french fries. You love them. When we were at a restaurant with friends a month or so ago and you saw them come out on someone's plate, you did a double fist pump and said "yes!" When we pass restaurants on the street that have advertising pictures of them in the windows, you get terribly excited and shout out "french fries!" I even caught you begging them off another table in a restaurant recently. Of course, the women thought you were so adorable that they wanted to give you some. But, you barely ate pizza or birthday cake when you attended your first birthday party recently, so I think we are mostly doing okay.

We did a follow up appointment with the specialist pediatrician a month or so ago, and you are FINALLY on the height-weight charts. You are in the 9th percentile for height and something like the 3rd for weight, but you are on the charts at last. You seem to finally be growing normally. I suspect that you were so very active at such an early age, and developing so fast mentally, that you burned every calorie you consumed.

You continue to grow by leaps and bounds every day, and daddy and I struggle to make sure that you are stimulated enough, whether it's by playing in a new park or by new adventures. We recently took you to Scotland for a long weekend, and you adored the hotel pool. You've been afraid of the shower for a while now, but they had showers at the pool that were warm water, and with sprayers at all levels. You were intrigued by these, and played in them for almost as long as the pool. it was fun to see what a water baby you are. You kept wanting to swim away from us, even though you can't yet swim. We are enrolling you in swim lessons in coming weeks, which we think you will adore. Plus, given your affinity for water, we want to be sure you learn to swim at an early age!

We took you to your first art class recently. You sat and made a little spider armband and painted a bit on a pumpkin cutout before you got bored. You enjoyed sprinkling the sparkles, but then decided you would much rather wander around the room, or even worse sit on the lap of an older kid and try to muscle in on their art projects. You love hanging out with other kids, no matter how much older they may be. We think the art class is probably a bit too structured for you right now, but we are looking into music and dance classes that might let you play with other kids and be a bit more free, while still providing a bit of structure. I think it will be good for your to do something with some structure. I worry that when it comes time for preschool, you will be far to independent to conform to someone else's schedule!

Tonight we were playing after dinner. We read a book, then we colored, then I asked you to get out your musical instruments. You have a drum, a tambourine, maracas, and a little piano. You played the piano while I banged about on various other instruments. You started saying "one, two, three, one two three" to a rhythm as we went along. Then you paused, and went over to scavenge among your other toys. I thought you were done playing music with me. But you came back just a minute later, toting your sunglasses. You put them on, sat back down on my lap, and went back to playing the piano with your little rhythm. It was priceless.

You are really into buckles right now. When we aren't looking, you climb up into your high chair so that you can snap the straps together. Any backpack left lying around gets similar treatment. You are just fascinated by things that you can fidget with. You've been dragging around Dressy Bessy, who has so many things to play with. Duplos are a favorite, too, although you still get frustrated when you can't get them apart. You are also really into toilet paper. We can't leave it on the roll, lest you toilet paper the house. You are never out of our sight for more than a few seconds, but it is remarkable how fast you can move and how much you can accomplish in just a few seconds!!!

You enjoy a good book. For a long time, I have encouraged you to "pick a good one and I'll read to you." You recently went and selected a book, then turned to me and said "it's a good one." I'm just amazed by the things you come out with, and your proper use of vocabulary. The most amazing thing to me is that you correctly use words pretty much all of the time. I rarely hear an incorrect word usage or incorrect pronoun. And, you frequently know things that shock me. For example, you were running around the house with some paper money the other day, shouting "money!", and you also correctly held up a credit card and said "money." How do you know those things at your age?! How do you know that money is actually money, and not just some colored piece of paper? After all, the money here comes in all different colors. It is just fascinating to me.

You also love to use the phone. On weekend mornings, you will go to the telephone and say "call grammy please." I have to gently remind you that grammy is still well asleep when we wake up, given the time difference! It is adorable to see how into it you are. You actually prefer to talk on the telephone to Skype, because then you can carry the phone around with you. Plus, you love to push the buttons. You do enjoy seeing grammy, though, especially when she has a cat in her lap. All of her cats have inexplicably become named "Spanky," which is the name of her cat which you most enjoyed tormenting when we visited.

You are also quite the little tv monster. We try to limit your television to a little in the morning and a little at the end of the day, but you beg for more, fussing "tv remote" at us when you want us to change the channel. You try to sneak to the remote and attempt to change the channel yourself, if you don't like what the adults might be watching, and sometimes you even succeed! Your favorite by far is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but you are also a big fan of the Tinkerbell movies. Toy Story and Cars are also favorites. You also know that we have these things on our iPad and iPhone, and you will watch them at a moment's notice if given the chance. During a recent trip to Normandy, you sat peacefully through an entire train journey, watching videos on the iPad. Hopefully we are not stunting your intellectual curiosity by letting you watch videos at such a young age! We took you to a live Disney production recently, and you were mesmerized, sitting patiently through nearly two hours. You would giddily turn to me periodically, just in awe of what you were watching. It was magical to watch. I think I spent more time with my eyes on you than I did the show!

I am so looking forward to the holidays with you. I know that Santa is going to be bringing you lots of goodies, and I am excited to watch you open them. Then shortly after Christmas, we have your birthday to look forward to, and then the birth of your little sister. You don't yet have any idea that she's coming, although we've told you. You sometimes pat my rapidly expanding middle, but you don't quite get the concept that you will soon have a sibling. I know you will have fun with her, even as you are at times challenged by her presence. I hope you will be close and always have each others backs. That's what I want most for my girls.

I love you, my dear daughter, more than I ever could have imagined I could love anyone or anything. Life with you just keeps getting better and better. I am so enjoying being on this journey with you, watching you grow and change, and teaching you new things. I am so very lucky to be your mother.

Love,
Mom

Where Have I Been?

2011-11-11T17:44:00.003-05:00

Time is rushing by me faster than I ever imagined it could.

Miss M is 22 months--a joy that I will save for a separate post. She is full of light and laughter and words and SENTENCES, and cracks me up all the time. Tonight we were watching tv while she played with her toys. There was a scene where a character was very ill, and all of the other characters were very upset about it. She looked up and said "people sad." I just loves that she gets what is going on around her.

I am 23 weeks into this pregnancy. 23 weeks!!! How did that happen? When we first got pregnant, a nurse warned me that this pregnancy would fly by, and that I'd have no time to sit with my feet up on the couch and enjoy it like I did when I was pregnant with Miss M, and boy was she right! Every day is packed to the gills. Right now, all I do is work, play with Miss M, prepare for Thanksgiving (we're having 20 people over!!! And you should see the size of my dinky European oven!), and Christmas shop (online, at night, when Miss M is asleep--Toys R Us is having a buy one-get-one-half-off sale on Legos and Duplos through Saturday, if you have a child who is obsessed with them like mine is). We had our big scan a few weeks ago. Numero Dos is still a girl. Everything looked pretty good on the ultrasound, and they gave us a video of the whole thing, and photos, and 3D photos. In the 3D view, her bone structure looked very much like Miss M's did when she was a baby. It was cool to see live, but the 3D photos are a bit creepy, I have to say. The only odd finding, which I'm trying not to freak out about, was that there are choroid plexus cysts in the baby's brain. We were assured that these have no real clinical significance, and generally disappear on their own with no impact on development. Dr. Google is similarly reassuring. There are some studies that suggest such a finding is linked to genetic disorders like Trisomy 18, but we did CVS and it came back clear for that. So, I've been trying to ignore that finding. The upside to staying so busy is that I don't have time to worry myself over every little thing like I did with much of Miss M's pregnancy.

Work has continued to be insanely busy. We have more staff now, so it will hopefully slow down, but it's been more than I'd hoped for, frankly. I'm enjoying it immensely, but I'd like there to be less of it. I'm traveling a ton. Mostly day trips, but still. My inbox is overflowing and I have piles of emails to return. I feel like I will never catch up, and I am hopelessly behind on the bureaucratic stuff. Like receipts. I hate expense reports. Can't someone just give me carte blanche with a credit card, and we'll call it a day?

We've done a bit of traveling recently--a long weekend in Normandy for fun, and a week and a half in Scotland for work. T and Miss M were able to join me in Scotland for part of the trip, and of course the best part was playing in the gorgeous hotel pool. Miss M loves to swim. We're going to be enrolling her in lessons, possibly starting this week. Normandy was amazing--charming old stone villages and good food. It was also heartbreaking to see all of the WWII stuff.

I am feeling good. I overdid it a bit this last week hiking and dragging around my luggage and my back is a bit sore, so I treated myself to a pregnancy massage today. I can't decide if it actually helped at all. I will definitely be sleeping with my hot water bottle tonight. I am such an old woman.

And although it has nothing to do with me personally, can I just rant for a minute about the Penn State child sex abuse scandal? Grad student McCreary walked in on a 10 year old being raped, and walked right out again? He did NOTHING to intervene? Really??? And then he told other people, and no one reported it to the police? With all that has happened with the Catholic church sex abuse scandal in the U.S. and was actively happening and all over the news during the timeframe in question, no one thought to go to the police? Really??? Let's set aside the legal requirements for a moment. Everyone anywhere in that chain of knowledge, from Paterno to university officials to other coaches, are absolute scum. I don't care how many games they won or how much money they have made in PA. You don't walk out on a child being raped. You save the child. Period. You SAVE THE CHILD. And you don't make the call on what did happen or what should happen--you hand the information to the police, and you let THEM make the call. That's the job of law enforcement, not football coaches and school administrators. I also have to say, I don't understand the reaction of the community/students who support Paterno. Paterno is not god. He is a man who was good at his job. But as good as he may have been at his job, he also knew about child sexual assault, and did nothing. That is utterly unacceptable. Maybe his age played into it--when he was a young man, people did look the other way at pedophiles. But we don't live in that world anymore. My heart breaks for those children who have been victimized by the Penn State sports establishment. Sandusky isn't the only one who needs a trial.

I haven't been anywhere near the internet lately, so I am way behind on what everyone has been doing, but I promise to catch up soon. I hope everyone is well!

It's Midnight. . .

2011-09-26T19:02:00.003-04:00

and I've just arrived home from work, which is crazy busy. My in-laws left two days ago. They spent a week, arriving the very same day that our dear friends departed. Those friends arrived a few short days after we returned from the U.S.. My dryer has been broken since we arrived back from the U.S., leading me to pile dirty laundry in the garage to hide it from my guests (the laundry room was a work zone for the repairmen, until they realized it had to be replaced). Until my husband went grocery shopping today there was little to eat in the house. In short, it's been a bit chaotic around here.

The good news in the midst of everything is that I've sort out all of the problems I whined about in my last post, I feel great, this pregnancy is humming along, my final genetic test results came back clear, I don't have syphilis (not that there was any doubt. . .but they made me get tested), and Miss M has been a hilarious, wonderful, everyday joy.

And you?

Frustrating Day

2011-09-13T15:30:00.004-04:00

I have been offline, mostly unwillingly. When I got back from the U.S., my internet was out. The company could have cared less. It only came back on yesterday. Coincidentally, they sent me (for the very first time) a survey to find out what I thought of their service. Ah, the things I told them!

I have so many things to talk about--Miss M's giant language explosion, complete with sentences--sentences!; our trip home; parenting a 20 month old who can now talk; having my bed back to myself now that Miss M sleeps in her crib, and how we got there; how my final CVS results are in, and they are fine; thoughts on #2; the fact that I've negotiated my next assignment, and where we are going. . .and so much more. But tonight I need to just vent.

I really try to help other people out. I volunteer for projects around the office. I volunteer to do people favors when they need them. . .even one person recently that I don't even really like. I try to be a good human being. So when people don't reciprocate, sometimes it just gets me down. Today is one of those days.

It started when I couldn't find anything to wear this morning. I'm not out of the closet yet at work about the pregnancy. I'll be 15 weeks at the end of this week, so I'm sort of running out of time. I haven't told anyone because the head of my unit has left, and the new head doesn't start for another month. The interim head has turned from a reasonable person into an utter neurotic stressball. I know she is going to freak out when I tell her, even though the unit will be fully staffed again long before my maternity leave. I'm dreading telling her, so I've put it off. But the fact that I stressed so much about clothes because I'm trying to dress strategically because she's created this stressful situation at work where it will be even more stressful to be "out". . .it just really upset me.

Then I got to work, and the same person wasted an hour of my time obsessing over eight million things in an utterly unproductive conversation. She is one of those people that channels her stress by talking about how much work she has to do. Then we had to have a staff meeting, which normally takes 30 minutes. This took and hour and a half, because once again she had to obsess and talk everything to death. She's not a good interim boss, as the stress just kills her. I am a do-er, not a talk-about-er, and all of the wasted time drove me batty.

Later in the day, I had a great opportunity that came up for the end of the month. It's work-related, very cool, and involves just a half-day of work. I can't stress again how much WORK is involved in this opportunity. But, I need her to sign off on it. Guess what? She won't. She has a really busy month, and she wants me to be around in case she needs anything. This, despite the fact that I routinely travel for work, and have continued to schedule out of town assignments for myself for the next month, so what's one more half day?!

Then, there is the matter of the stroller. It's a long story not worth even getting into. Suffice it to say, I spent a lot of money and went to a lot of trouble to purchase a double stroller and get it shipped to me (it's hard to get large items shipped internationally). It required a bit of help from a friend, but I was doing her a favor in return. Let's just say things got screwed up and she seems inclined to just leave it at that. I am stuck with a stroller in a place that is a) not accessible to me, and b) from which I cannot get the stroller to me here. I will likely have to spend a lot of money to fix the situation.

Sigh. I've just had a bad day.

The silver lining? I have friends flying in tomorrow morning, with their daughter, who is a few months younger than Miss M. IT will be so good to see them.

And The Answer Is...

2011-08-30T11:06:00.003-04:00

I had to stalk my OB all day on Thursday to get the CVS results. Even after our discussion three days earlier, she told me that she thought the MFM would give me the results directly (WTF?! We had that conversation, and she told me she'd get them to me as soon as she got them). I caught her on her cell phone, while she was on the maternity ward, so she had no clue. She promised to try to track down the results, and called me back 45 minutes later, just as I was leaving for the airport. I was extremely tense by this point, needless to say!

So, want to know the results? The prelim results are normal. And, it's a girl! We are over the moon. We both would have been thrilled, of course, with a healthy boy, but we are so delighted to have two girls. Sisters. Pure joy! We don't get the full test results for another week or so, but I'm breathing much easier.

We've been at my MIL's for the last few days without wifi-so uncivilized!! The hurricane was nothing more than a little rain and wind, but it did delay our travel plans by a day. We're now at my mom's for the rest of our trip. It's been a whirlwind so far, so I'm looking forward to relaxing a bit here. I've never dealt with jet lag coming from Europe to the U.S., but it's kicking my butt this time. It's definitely tougher being pregnant! It's been really nice being here and seeing everyone, and so fun to sit on the beach and play with with Miss M. She has been such a little water bug. And her language skills have just exploded since she's been here! She has loads of new words, and has started with sentences. It's also been great to watch her with her grandparents, and they are really getting a kick out of her.

Going Home

2011-08-24T18:58:00.002-04:00

When I looked at the list of blogs I read regularly, three of them had posts starting with the word "Going," so I figured that I needed to, as well. And indeed, I'm headed home tomorrow, and so very excited about it. I can't wait to get my hands on my baby and give her a big hug--husband, too!

So, my CVS results were supposed to be ready in 48 hours. That would be today. As you know if you read my last post, I called my OB before the test to make sure she would get me the results as soon as they were in. I even told her I'd be worried and was anxious to get them. She assured me I'd get them the second they were in. Guess what? I didn't get the results today. Grrrrr.....

Needless to say, I'll be bugging her office in the morning.

Chorionic Villus Sampling #2

2011-08-21T17:19:00.005-04:00

I drafted this long blog post last night about how I was being totally zen, and what I did all weekend, and how much I miss Miss M and T, and how proud I am that she is such a well adjusted, happy kid. But Blogger ate it. This is all that's left:

I'm sitting watching really bad t.v. and eating the most delicious warm plum and blackberry tart that I just baked for myself, complete with vanilla ice cream. Because if I chill with bad t.v. and yummy homemade baked goods, only happy things can happen, right?

Tomorrow is the test. I am. . .okay. I have momentary bubbles of anxiety that float up every once in a while, but. . . .

I stayed in that pretty zen space all of today. It helped that I was really busy with work stuff and had no time to dwell on it. Before I knew it, it was time to go to the appointment. . .and then I promptly got on the wrong train. I was panicked that I was going to miss the appointment altogether, but I ended up getting myself off the train, turned around, and onto the right train just in time to make the appointment. Whew!

Let me tell you, it was such a different experience from having it done in Boston. I don't love healthcare here, even though the quality is good, because there is often no customer service. But this doctor was warm and friendly, and took time to chat with me. He did the scan first, and it was so lovely to see the baby. I swear, the baby waved at me! It was adorable. I could clearly see arms and a bit of leg, head and spine. I swear I might have seen a bit of penis, too, but it's still so hard to tell! The doctor checked out a bunch of things on the scan, and said that things looked good. I saw the heart beating away, and got to hear it for the first time. My baby. It feels a bit more real now. The placenta is in the front, as it was last time, which was a bit of a relief. It makes the CVS a bit easier to have it in the front. The doctor fiddled around a bit to decide how to go in for the sample, then prepped me. This doctor, unlike the clinic in Boston, believes in using a local anesthetic. Whereas before I could feel the needle going through my stomach, this time I felt no pain in it going through the muscle, and just a tiny pinch instead. It was vastly improved, and I didn't even think it was that bad the first time I had it done with Miss M's pregnancy! I have to say, it really wasn't so bad at all.

I kept my eyes closed and tried to stay in my happy place while he took the samples. There is a little bit of whooshing sound as the sample is withdrawn, sort of a needle plunger type sound, and I think he took three vials. He turned the lights up and inspected the samples to make sure he'd gotten what he wanted. Then it was done. I have a tiny bandaid on my belly. He checked out the baby again with the ultrasound to make sure everything looked good, and he said the procedure had gone well and everything looked great. He talked to me for a couple of minutes, then asked me to sit in the waiting room for 10 minutes to make sure I felt okay. While we chatted, I asked him about his experience, and it turns out he's been doing these since the mid-80's and has done over 10,000 of them, which is really remarkable. They've been doing CVS in Europe a lot longer than in America. I went to the best clinic I could find in Boston, and I have to say that today beat Boston, hands down. It definitely makes a difference to have someone really experienced do the procedure.

So, it wasn't bad at all. Preliminary results should be in on Wednesday; full results in 10-14 days. I will be on pins and needles until then. Good thing work is scheduled to stay swamped through midweek. I called my OB today to see how I'd get the results from her (the specialist sends them to her; I can't get them from him). The results apparently automatically get forwarded to the OB's office either via email or fax. Surprisingly enough (no one ever answers the phone in doctor's offices here), my OB answered the phone herself. She promised she would email me the results as soon as they came in. Which is great, if the results are good, but what if they are not? I almost laughed at that. In the U.S., I had a special genetic counselor assigned to me, whose job it was to report all results to me, and to answer my questions. It's kind of hilarious that I consider myself lucky to get an email here!

It's Friday Already

2011-08-19T17:52:00.002-04:00

It really is true--keeping extra busy is the way to make time fly. I worked all week, but also had an event every night. I can't remember Monday, to be honest. Tuesday I saw a play (and got home after 11--on a school night!); Wednesday I went to dinner with a contact (home at almost midnight--late two nights in a row!); Thursday I had dinner with a colleague; and tonight I had dinner with friends. The week has just FLOWN by! I can't believe my CVS is on Monday, and then I fly to the U.S. at the end of the week.

I am feeling a bit better about the CVS. The doctors office never called me back (I am really hating the utter lack of customer service in healthcare here), but I kept calling until someone finally answered the phone. The doctor has done 1000's of the procedure, according to the woman who answered the phone. I don't entirely believe her, because she also went on to say that he's been doing them for 17 years. I'm sure he's been doing amnio for that long, but the CVS technique only started ramping up in the early 1980's. I guess it's possible. Regardless, it's clear to me that he's been doing it for a long time, and my doctor trusts him, so I'm more comfortable. I'll have preliminary results within 48 hours, and full results in about 2-2.5 weeks. Now the trick is going to be to make sure I get the results before the end of the week. I have to get them from my OB. . .let's see how long it takes me to get in touch with her office to ensure that I'll get the results the second them come in. I think the chances are slim that I get the results in any sort of timely fashion, all things considered here!

I'm feeling good. I kept a busy schedule this week, but I haven't been overly tired. I've been eating well. My medication has really kicked in, so I'm feeling better. My chest is bigger this week all of a sudden, and work clothes (particularly the bottoms!) continue to be an issue. Strategic dressing is also kind of a pain. If I'm not careful, I really do look pregnant. I have one top, in particular, that makes me look totally pregnant. Something about the cut and the pattern of it. I wore it to the theater on Tuesday and threw a cardigan over it, but it's definitely out for work--at least until I'm out of the closet!

Tomorrow I'm headed back to Ikea to try to buy the rest of the things I need to finish redecorating our living room. I've given up on getting the rest of the house done. I had such high hopes, but time has gone by faster than I thought it would, and my to do list is still very long! Hopefully, I'll have a very productive day tomorrow.

I suppose it doesn't help that I just spent the last two hours researching train tickets. I've been holding off on booking any more travel until a few things fell into line, but they seemed to have fallen into place, and now I'm ready to be off. I want to get a few more trips in before I'm too pregnant to travel. I have three more trips (long weekend-y type trips) that I want to get in before the baby is born. . .if the baby is born. . .but mostly, before the baby is born. Look at me, all optimistic-ish.

I even made a plan for how we'll tell people, assuming everything goes okay next week. Well, it's not really a plan, and not even that cool, but I decided. I bought Miss M a big sister tshirt. It's very cute, and says "I'm going to be a big sister." I wanted to get her one that says "I have a secret" on the front, and then "I'm going to be a big sister" on the back, but due to her tendency to refuse to go in the direction requested, I thought I better not get a tshirt that had two sides to it. It will be enough work to get her to show people her shirt. We're having a big party while I'm home, and I'm going to have her in the shirt that day. That way, when people show up and see her, they'll get the news that way. . .if they are paying attention!

One Week

2011-08-15T14:24:00.002-04:00

My anxiety is slowly ratcheting up regarding the chorionic villus sampling, which is scheduled for a week from today. When I scheduled the last one, it was all very 11th hour, so I didn't have any time to fuss over it. But we scheduled this weeks ago, and the closer it gets, the scarier it seems. If T. were going to be there, it would be so much easier. But I'm going to have to be a big girl and suck it up through the discomfort and scariness all by myself. Like the blood draw last week, the anticipation of the needle and the accompanying pain is probably going to be worse than the actuality. I'm committed to doing it, but I'm dreading it. I wish there had been time to do the NT scan and bloodwork, not that those tests would have made the actual CVS any easier. But, it would have felt more like wading in.

I'm 10.5 weeks now. It seems impossible that I'm that far along. This pregnancy is already 1/4 over. Time is flying by. I took belly photos for the first time last week, and once I saw them, I calmed down about being "huge." I'm growing out of my pants, but I'm not any bigger, really, than I was at the same point with Miss M. I just FEEL huge because all of a sudden, none of my work clothes fit. I opened up the maternity clothes box last week with great anticipation, excited to find work clothes that fit, but quickly realized that I'm utterly sick of everything that's in there. It's so funny--I was so happy with the stuff during my first pregnancy, and felt great about my clothes. Now I don't like any of it.

Even though I'm still feeling very unsure of this pregnancy, I did go ahead and order some new maternity clothes from Gap. They were all on sale and I had a coupon, so they were very inexpensive. I didn't get much--just a few pieces. I figure that if everything goes well next week with the test, I will buy some new things while I'm in the States. In particular, I desperately need maternity jeans that fit. I have at least a half dozen pairs, and they all fall off me. I find it so annoying to have to constantly yank my pants up. I just want comfortable pants that fit! Is that too much to ask?! If you know of a brand that fits slim women of average height who have no hips, please let me know.

I have absolute piles of work to do. August was supposed to be my slow month! I had set aside time this afternoon to review a giant stack of paperwork that I need to read in advance of an all-day meeting tomorrow. Of course, just as I was about to start reading, an urgent email came in that required that I read a different giant stack of paperwork. I never got to the other stuff I was supposed to read. So, lucky me, I brought it home with me, and now I have to read it all before 9am tomorrow. I guess I'd better get off my butt and start.

Home Improvements

2011-08-13T16:30:00.004-04:00

When we first learned that I got my new job a year ago, and that we had six weeks to move, we made an executive decision to leave most of our decorative items (pictures and all of the other "stuff" that we had collected over the years) in storage. With a 5 month old, two careers to wrap up, and a house renovation to finish, the move alone was overwhelming. We just wanted to streamline it however we could. Since all of these things were already in storage from the renovation, it was easy to do. It was convenient. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Except, now we are living in Europe and we have none of our things. Our entire townhouse is painted cream and white, with white wall-to-wall carpeting throughout most of the house (blond floors in the kitchen and dining room), and gold (yes, GOLD) striped curtains in EVERY room. It is neutral, neutral, neutral, and bland. Needless to say, the walls have been closing in on us for a while. The walls are screaming out for paint and art. I would have painted this week, but the I don't want to paint while pregnant, so that's out. So what's a girl to do, especially in a country where prices are at least 30% more than in the U.S.?

I headed to Ikea.

I had to limit my purchases, since I had to carry them home on public transportation. But I still came home with a very cool carpet for Miss M's play area, two pillows, five plant pots, three storage boxes for the bathroom, and a very cute plastic chair for Miss M (part of a table set, but I didn't have enough hands for the table!). I think I'm going to go back tomorrow. I saw two pictures that will look cute in the play area, I want to get the table and other chair for Miss M, and I also want some picture frames. Ooh, and this really cute circus tent. Right now I have a tent full of balls for Miss M, but it is truly ugly and cheap. The one I saw today is much cuter. The only problem is the bottom is flat with no lip, so the balls will roll out. I'm going to look to see if I can attach a little piece of fabric to fix that. I'm toying with the idea of taking a rolling duffel with me, so I can really load up on stuff tomorrow.

When I got home from shopping today, I rearranged the living room and Miss M's play area, making it bigger and much better. I emptied the bottom three shelves of both of our bookcases and filled them with Miss M's board books and toys (and moved the grown-up books up higher on the shelves and safe from little hands). I unrolled the carpet, and put the little chair together, and I have to say. . .it's so bright and cheerful and happy. I love it, and I think she's going to love it. T is going to hate it (more stuff! More clutter! More ways she can make a mess!), but he'll grow into it.

Being Heard

2011-08-12T17:29:00.002-04:00

I'm grouchy.

It's been impossible to have a private conversation with my husband while he's been at his mother's house, in part because her house is open concept, and in part because he's always got one eye on Miss M. I've been looking forward to today, because my aunt was babysitting Miss M. and he was supposed to be by himself at our house that we own, doing some work in preparation for new tenants. Only, every time I called him today, there was someone different visiting him at the house. I know I shouldn't be annoyed by this, and I'm on the one hand glad that he had a chance to visit with so many people. On the other hand, I'm completely annoyed.

There have been family things going on while he's been in the U.S., but he hasn't been able to tell me about them due to the lack of privacy. I have no idea what is going on. I want to know. I want to know what he's in the middle of, and what's going to be expected of me when I arrive (or better yet, what kind of mess I'll be arriving to). I want to know what our daughter is being exposed to. I want to know what decisions and actions he's undertaken in light of what's going on. And. . .nothing. It's so frustrating being in the dark.

But even more than all of that, I just want to talk to my husband in the way that a wife talks to her husband. I want to have a personal conversation where he is focusing on me and what I'm saying, and vice versa. I want to talk about everything and nothing, just for maybe thirty minutes. It's a relatively small thing that I need. I am just at a point in my week where I really need to be heard. I need to be heard by him, in particular. I was so looking forward to him having a little pocket of time for me today, to having this little conversation where it was just us, and we could mutually unload and be together, and it's just not going to happen. Even worse, I don't know when I will get to have a real conversation with him.

See? Grouchy.

Plodding Along

2011-08-11T16:56:00.002-04:00

It is sooooo quiet in my house.

T. and Miss M. left a few days ago. We've been Skyping at night, which helps a bit. She is incredibly adorable when we chat, reaching her arms out for a hug as though I can dive through the computer, and pointing around and using all of the new words she has learned since being there ("boat!" ; "grandpa!"). It is lovely, and heartbreaking. I miss them.

During last night's call, I inadvertently discovered that something must have happened to my cat, who has been living with my mother-in-law. It is now clear to me that he's dead. I've thought something was wrong for a while now, but was afraid to ask. I didn't want to know. When I realized it last night, it made me sob. My boys both left me far too soon. I miss my cats. It just breaks my heart.

But I can't dwell on the sadness. I need to keep myself busy and distracted--two more weeks to go here by myself! And let's see, I have my (solo) birthday and my (solo) CVS to look forward to, so yay for that (not really).

The good news is that I was finally able to get in to see the specialist on Monday. He was kind, and prescribed me what I needed without making me undergo any horrible tests (except for $300 in bloodwork that I had to pay up front for). I am feeling much better, although still pretty bloated. Or maybe that's just the pregnancy. I am truly enormous. My work clothes don't fit, and I've had to dive into the smaller of my maternity pants. Thank god for stretchy waists and flowy tops. I am seriously ginormous.

As I sat there waiting for the nurse to draw the blood, I started stressing. I just really didn't want to be there. I wanted to run away. I most definitely didn't want to be poked with a needle. But I sat there and started dreading my CVS appointment, which will be exponentially worse. It was bearable when T. was there to squeeze my hand and make sure I stayed in my happy place. I don't know how to do this by myself. I can't imagine being there without support. But, then the blood was drawn and it was all over, and I wondered what I'd even been tense about. I'm hoping the CVS will be like the blood draw--that the anticipation will be much worse than the reality.

Tomorrow I will be 10 weeks. Just a week and a half until my CVS. But 10 weeks. It's flying by. I'm still doing well--some odd stretchy pain across my belly from time to time, but that's it. But, I am also still having a hard time connecting with this pregnancy. I just can't let myself, not yet, which is just so sad. I am waiting for something to be wrong. I haven't been talking about it, but T. must know that I'm worried, because he kindly left me a card in a drawer, which he directed me to last night. It said many lovely things, including that he knows the baby is going to be just fine. I can't quite take his words as true, but his kindness lit up my night.

I miss them.

Saturday

2011-08-06T07:41:00.005-04:00

I'm afraid to even say it out loud, but I am feeling just the slightest bit better. Over the last few days I think that the medication has started to kick in and do its job. I pray that this is the case, and not just an aberration. I've had NO luck trying to get the doctor's office on the phone. Sigh. On Monday I will try again.

T. and Miss M are heading to the U.S. this week for a visit. I'm going to go over in a few weeks, for the tail end of their trip. I've been away from them for a night or two, but never for days at a time, let along more than two weeks. I'm trying not to think about it. It's going to be really hard for me. No "good morning" waves, no baby hugs, no happy giggles when I get home from work, for weeks! I'm glad they get this chance to visit with family and friends, but I'm sad to be away from them for so long. I hope it is easier for Miss M than I think it will be. She has had a bit of a "mommy" thing lately. We will Skype regularly, but that's small comfort (for me, at least!).

We are spending part of today preparing for their trip. I'm doing as much as I can to make the trip easy for both of them. Our trip to Italy in June showed just how painful air travel can be with a toddler, and that was a much shorter flight, with two of us. I learned (after booking and paying for the flights) that the airline they are flying operates both its own flights and codeshares with an American carrier. The codeshares have no spaces for infants. The carrier's own flights allow ample space for infants, and are larger, less-full planes. Not knowing this, I originally booked them on a codeshare flight. After learning the better situation on the carrier's own flights, I happily paid $150 yesterday to change their flight. The only seat I could get them on the original flight was a window seat--ugh. Now they have a bulkhead seat with a bassinet, and the seat next to them is empty, to boot. Hope it stays that way!

Today we are going to a mall (a rarity here) to shop for a bag of things to keep Miss M occupied during the trip. We've timed the flight so that Miss M should sleep for maybe a third of it. The recommendations I have seen for flying with toddlers suggest packing a new toy an hour for airplane travel, and a snack an hour. I've already downloaded a new Tinkerbell movie onto T's iPhone (she LOVES Tinkerbell, and will sit and watch the entire thing). We're going to the mall in search of the new toys. I'm thinking there should be stickers, but I'm not sure what else. Hopefully I'll find some good stuff at the mall. Suggestions welcome--I'm sure I won't find everything today.

Blah

2011-08-04T16:30:00.007-04:00

Life is actually pretty good here in Borneoland. Miss M is a thriving little chatterbox who mimics everything we say. The weather has been summery and beautiful (rather than cool and rainy as it had been). We've been having fun. Friends from homehave visited, and we've made some new friends here. But there's always a "but", right?

When I got pregnant with Miss M, my gastroenterologist at the time told me she wanted me on med's, to prevent the proctitis from relapsing. I stayed on my med's, I stayed healthy throughout my pregnancy, and that was that. Before I got pregnant this time, I asked my new OB if she thought I should go back on my med's as a precaution. She didn't think so. Big mistake, not finding a gastrenterologist here. I didn't go on my med's. Now, at just 9 weeks, the pregnancy has sent my body into a tailspin, and the proctitis has come roaring back. My only other relapse in the last ten years was caused by an antibiotic-related c-dif infection. I am feeling pretty lousy.

The worst part is that I'm having trouble getting an appointment. Doctors here tend to work at multiple locations, and they don't fully staff their offices. So when you call, there is often no one there. I've been calling the gastro for three days, and no one has ever answered the phone. I emailed my OB for another recommendation, and never heard back from her. Why give me your email address if you aren't going to respond? It's so frustrating. There is no customer service here at all, at any level. It's amazing that people expect so little. Today I will get more pushy, but I don't expect anything to come of it.

I am 9 weeks today. Just over 2 weeks until my CVS. I'm a little nervous. I have to go by myself. T. will be in the U.S. visiting family. I could ask a friend to go with me, but I'm not up for it. I haven't told anyone we're pregnant. Pregnancy-wise, things are going well. That
part of me feels well, and I've had no more spotting since the very beginning, which is nice. I seemed to continually spot with Miss M., and it
was a constant source of worry. My belly is becoming really obvious, and I'm quickly growing out of my work clothes. I only have a handful
of suits that actually fit. I had T. bring in the box of maternity clothes from the garage yesterday, and I'm hoping to find a Bella band to use
today. Buttoning my pants is too uncomfortable, especially with the colitis pain. I can't believe I'm growing out so quickly. I had to wrap a
blanket around me when I skyped my mom last night, because what I was wearing totally showed my tummy, and she would've known immediately.

Okay, off to dig out some things for work this morning.

It's Getting a Little Messy Around Here

2011-07-27T16:52:00.006-04:00

I have my CVS scheduled for August 22nd. I am second-guessing myself already. I initially decided that the horror of getting not-so-great statistics from the combined early screening (ie, NT scan and blood tests) wasn't worth it, and to go right to CVS itself. Now that the test is actually scheduled, I am feeling foolish for skipping the scan. I took some hope during the intervening days last time, between the scan and the CVS, from the fact the nuchal measurement looked good. The days will feel particularly long post-CVS with no information. Plus, a part of me feels like an extra scan is an extra chance to catch an anomaly. But, there is only a narrow window where the testing can be done--something like 11w3d to 13w6d. Since I'm pretty much having the CVS as early as they can do it (11w3d), it will be too early to do the NT scan/bloodwork the week before. I can't move the CVS back because we are flying to the U.S. My only other choice would be to do the CVS in the US after doing the NT scan here, which seems ridiculous. Plus, I'd have to explain my disappearance mid-visit home, and I'm not really up for that. I can't believe what a terrible scheduling job I did with our trip. I really hope everything is okay, not just for the obvious reasons, but also because bad results will not only be hard for me to handle, but they will be logistically difficult, as well. I deal best with bad news in private, and there is no "private" during our upcoming whirlwind tour.

I had a disastrous experience a couple of days ago with the progesterone suppositories. They are just gross. I usually get up early, put one in, and then go back to bed for a bit to try to let my body absorb as much as possible before it all melts and runs out. Then I shower and go to work. Now, even with this process, there is still leakage in the morning post-shower, so I of course use a pantiliner. On this day, I followed my usual morning process. I put a light colored suit and a pair of dark underwear (which I usually don't do with light colors, but the suit isn't see-through). Anyway, at some point after lunch, I went to the bathroom, looked down, and realized that my pants had black all over them. I looked more closely, and sure enough, they were all greasy looking on the outside and black everywhere. It was even worse on the inside. The progesterone leaked through the pantiliner, took the color out of my underwear, and transferred the color from my underwear THROUGH my pants onto the outside! The pants are a mess. Thankfully, I don't think anyone noticed before I did. I had to text my husband and ask him to bring me new clothes to work, just so that I could walk about of the building. Sigh. The things we go through for the chance of a successful pregnancy.

Speaking some more of pants, I am just shy of 8 weeks now, and quickly growing out of my pants. I thought it was early (I have been REALLY hungry!), but looking back at my blog from during Miss M's pregnancy, I see that I was growing out of my pants at the same point then, too. It all goes to my belly so quickly. It is funny to see that the pants that fit then are the pants that fit now. It makes me feel a bit better, actually, that I'm not growing exponentially bigger in lightening speed. I'm kind of looking forward to stretchy maternity clothes, just so I don't have to try to fit into my pants!

Unfortunately, I'm having some of my digestive issues again, too, which is probably exacerbating the pants situation (swollen tummy). I suspect it's because I've been eating a lot of fruit. My usual solution at this point is to eat very little (mainly protein) and drink lots of water, but that's not a solution that will work pregnant. I've gone back on my medication (it's fine to take while pregnant; I took it the entire time I was pregnant and breastfeeding Miss M). But, I only have one month's supply, so I'll need to find a gastroenterologist here, which I am not looking forward to at all. My old health insurance mostly paid for the medication, but with my new insurance it's really expensive. Fun times.

7 Weeks

2011-07-23T07:42:00.003-04:00

I have utterly and completely dropped out of summer camp. I just feel so uninspired to post, even with Calliope's inspiring prompts. I am still in the waiting space, even with the happy results of the ultrasound.** I should feel more relief than I do, with such a positive ultrasound. After all, in the past, our problems always happened before we saw the heartbeat. With Miss M, we saw the heartbeat and--spotting aside--we never had another problem. But somehow, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know if it's my own experiences or my friend's recent late-term loss or the heartbreaking stories that many women have shared across the internet. The sum total of all of that seems to be that my heart simply can't let this feel real yet. I need to get the CVS behind me, and we are still four weeks away from that. It feels like an eternity, and I dread the test itself. I need good news from that, and the first trimester behind me, to feel any sense of relief.

But there is positive news, beyond the ultrasound. I've had no spotting. That is such a relief, after spotting throughout my pregnancy with Miss M. There are some pregnancy symptoms, albeit minor ones. I'm tired and ravenously hungry, and I get up a bajillion times in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I swear, this child must be a boy. I was never hungry like this with Miss M, but I am constantly starving--and right after I eat! It's absurd. I wake up hungry all the time. Two days ago I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, then a bagel with cream cheese and an orange juice two hours later, then a GIANT sandwich for lunch (chicken and avocado on literally half a full size baguette), then a huge fruit salad two hours after that, then a giant dinner. It's so unlike me to get hungry at all. My pants are already getting tight, and it's no wonder!

So onward we go, holding on to the bits of good news while still bracing for the bad, and waiting for it all to pass. There are some things that are easier about doing all of this for a second child. You're more prepared for high seas, and you know that you'll weather any storms better. But time still creeps by very slowly.

**Welcome, ICLW-ers. My full history is accessible through the link on the sidebar, but the long and short of it is that after a bit of a rough time getting pregnant and a couple of miscarriages, we had a healthy baby girl in January 2010. We are a Clom.id success story (there's hope!). With the clock ticking (I turn 39 this summer), we started trying for a second child back in June, again with Clom.id. We somehow managed to get pregnant that very first cycle, and now I'm navigating my way through the first trimester.

Ultrasound #1

2011-07-19T15:06:00.004-04:00

As we walked out the door of the examination room after the appointment, I heard T. exhale a long, loud breath. I think that sums up our appointment perfectly.

One perfect yolk sac. One beating heart. One perfect fetus, measuring spot on at 6W4D. Oh, and positioned in a great place, toward the top of my uterus and in the middle.

I am relieved. Now I can worry about the million other things I constantly neurose about during pregnancy. Whether I'm getting enough protein, whether there's something wrong with the water here, spotting, miscarriage, birth defects, war, plague, famine. . .

The doctor couldn't see where the bleeding came from, but thinks that during implantation it may have burrowed in near a blood vessel. There was no sign of any more blood, which is good.

As before, T. was a bit disappointed that there was only one, and I am enormously relieved.

We are going to do CVS again. It is a bit complicated, because I inadvertently booked our trip home squarely during the period when CVS should be done. There are basically only two days when I can do it here, because you can't fly right after it, either. The doctor that my doctor refers all of her patients to only does them one day a week, and can't see me before I leave, because he doesn't do them on the days I need to have it done. If we can't find another high quality doctor to do it, I may have to consider having it done in the U.S. while we're home, which isn't exactly ideal. But, I could go back to the hospital where we did Miss M's, which I trust implicitly. Hopefully, it will work out here, and I'll find another good doctor to do it.

Oh, and get this--if I have any problems, ever, I call my doctor on her cell phone directly. She has someone cover when she goes on vacation, but otherwise, I'll see her for everything.

Today's The Day

2011-07-19T02:00:00.004-04:00

We are finally here: it's ultrasound day. I'm nervously excited. Excitedly nervous? Both.

I dreamed last night that there was nothing there. It was a terrible dream. But, I'm ready for that possibility, I guess. I still don't feel pregnant, but for being unusually hungry. Oh, and my pants are getting a little tight, but that's about the extra food I've been eating.

My appointment is at the end of the day. Now I just have to distract myself with a day of work! Fingers crossed that things are okay. I'm 6W4D today. We should be able to see a heartbeat.

Organizing

2011-07-16T16:07:00.003-04:00

For far too long, I've needed to sort through and pack away Miss M's outgrown clothes. There is a "real" bed in her room, and for months it's been covered in clothing of various Goldilocks sizes-some too big, some too small, some just right. I still hadn't unpacked her five million stuffed animals; they've been packed away since our big move. I needed to rearrange her room, too, to make space for her to ride the giant rocking horse my mother bought her for Christmas, which she is finally big enough to use. I've been procrastinating because...well because playing with Miss M is so much more fun than packing up her clothes.

But today, it was pouring outside, so I decided to tackle the project. Good lawd, does that child have a lot of clothes! I sorted and sorted and sorted. I hauled out two boxes of animals, which she promptly emptied everywhere. I matched tiny baby socks and packed them away. I pulled out new things and washed them. I made up the bassinet and filled it with animals, and rearranged the bedroom to fit all the toys (well, all the toys that aren't in the living room). By early afternoon, I had all of the small stuff reasonably organized and put away, all closets organized, and the room in order. It's not the gorgeous nursery that we built for her in our old house, but it looks like a very nice room for a little girl.

I thought it would be sad to go through the things that she's slowly outgrown in recent months, but it wasn't. I marveled at how manygreat outfits she has, and what good condition they are in, and I thought about the next child who would wear them. Will it be this child, this
one in my belly? I am hopeful, but who knows. I still don't feel particularly pregnant, but for being unusually tired and hungry-no morning sickness, which I avoided with Miss M, but also no breast tenderness, which is surprising. It plagued me with Miss M. I know every pregnancy is different, but still...I think it's what's been worrying me so, this lack of symptoms. I was thankful for the distraction today.

In a wave of optimism, I did mention to T (of course we want a healthy baby first and foremost) that if this baby's a boy, we're going to have some trouble in the clothing department! Everything we have is resolutely female.

Thread of Hope

2011-07-13T15:24:00.003-04:00

I did the only thing that was going to make the in between time any better: I bought another one of those pregnancy tests that gives a range of how many weeks you are, based on hcg levels. The last two that I used, it first tested for "pregnancy," then took a bit longer to tell how many weeks. Today, it immediately registered "pregnant" and "5+ weeks" simultaneously. ("5+ weeks" is the max it will tell you. I will be six weeks pregnant on Friday. It is a bit, a tiny bit, of a relief. It is enough to get me through the next couple of days.

The progesterone is just as yucky as I remembered it. But, it also is giving me a little peace of mind. I know that I'm doing all that I can.

And, I'm going to plan a weekend trip for September, to help shake me out of the rest of the doldrums. Maybe I'll even plan two!

In Between

2011-07-12T14:57:00.005-04:00

Summer Camp Day 12: first time drunk. . .uh? I honestly don't remember. Probably my freshman year of college; I never drank to intoxication before that. Weird that I can't remember. But then, we are going back two decades.

As for everything else. . .still allegedly pregnant, still don't feel it. No more spotting since those early days. Getting the progesterone turned into a saga, and I've been trying not to freak out about the fact I haven't started it yet. The prescription didn't come for many days; the pharmacy didn't have any in, and had to order the progesterone, which delayed it even more; they didn't call me as they were supposed to when it arrived; then they tried to give me much more than I needed and overcharge me for it; and it cost a small fortune. But I finally got it today, and will start tonight. I have no symptoms, though--no sore boobs, no nothing. I'm hungry in the morning and get slightly nauseous on an empty stomach, but that's about it. My appointment is next week.

I am finding this period of time irritating. I feel in between in every way. There is the pregnancy, obviously. But also, there is a lull between our recent travels and our next trip. I won't find out for a bit where my next position with the company will be, but we've already started planning for it. A few people are leaving my office, but not quite out the door. It very much feels like we're in between--past one phase but not yet to the next, and it's left me restless and frustrated and a bit bored. The one silver lining is that we got a surprise email from old friends saying that they will be in town this weekend and would love to have dinner. That will be a happy little respite from the maddening in-betweeness.

Summer Camp: Food!

2011-07-07T16:11:00.002-04:00

Calliope's summer camp is well under way, and today it's all about the food: favorite foods for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Instead of "favorites," I'm going to list things I just can't get here in Europe. At least, not really goooood stuff:

Breakfast: Big fluffy blueberry pancakes; eggs benedict. Thank goodness for Starbucks' global domination: I can still get chai tea lattes. And for some reason, our grocery store sells Oscar Meyer American bacon in little plastic packages. Hallelujah!

Lunch: Mexican food. For the most part, there was never a big migration of Latin Americans to European countries. It is next to impossible to get decent Latin food. It's Mexican that I crave the most--good nachos; real sour cream; guacamole; fried shrimp burritos with special sauce from my favorite place; real salsa. I'd make my own, but it's hard to even get good ingredients here. Case in point: I haven't been able to find fresh jalepenos for sale here, and I've looked and looked and looked.

Dinner: Lobster and steamers. What can I say? I'm a New England girl, and it's summertime. Only, it's NOT really summertime without lobster and steamers!

In other news, I am still not feeling particularly pregnant--I'm exhausted at night, but no sore boobs or other symptoms. I took the other pregnancy test I had left on or about 4w5d, and it came back as being essentially 3-4 weeks pregnant (the only other option on the test is 4+ weeks). I dunno. I'm still pregnant, but in this weird no-man's land as to how I feel about it. It isn't feeling particularly real, and I don't think I'll let it until we're past the initial ultrasound (and probably a few other steps).

2011-07-05T15:57:00.002-04:00

I am exhausted. I suffered from horrible insomnia while pregnant with Miss M, and haven't had one night of trouble since then. . .until now. All of a sudden, I'm having trouble again, even when I'm tired. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep for hours. I wake up super early and can't go back to sleep. It's a bit frustrating.

I called my doctor's office today. I left a message yesterday, but somehow missed the return call yesterday until it was too late to call back. They mailed me the progesterone (it should get here tomorrow), and I'm booked for an u/s appointment in two weeks. My doctor apparently likes to do the first scan at six weeks, and I'll be about six and a half at that point, if all goes well.

I'm of to bed-no camp for me today!

And on my 4th Day of Summer Camp. . .

2011-07-04T16:23:00.005-04:00

I slipped away from camp and bought yet another pregnancy test. I couldn't help myself. There is a new pregnancy test on the market in Europe. I don't think it's for sale in the US yet. Anyway, Clearblue is marketing it, and it tests the hcg levels in your urine and tells you how many weeks pregnant you are (it doesn't give you an actual hcg level, sadly). No, I don't need to know how many weeks pregnant I am (although, yes, it irritates the crap out of me that there are women out there that might need a pregnancy test to tell them when they got knocked up). No, I don't need to know if I'm pregnant. Yes, I bought the test (a TWO PACK!) and used it one of them. After seeing endless ads for the things, I got curious about what it would say about my hcg levels. Waning? Sky high? Normal?

I am on CD31 today. That makes me 4 weeks and 3 days today. It says that I am 4-5 weeks pregnant. So, spot on. I'll take that.

In other news, there is no other spotting today. We did a fairly long albeit easy/flat hike (9 miles), and I feel really great. We've been doing a ton of walking/hiking in recent months, so I'm in pretty good shape. It was good to get out, and I'm feeling reasonably optimistic still. We'll see how I feel as the milestones come at me. It's interesting to pass those old points where other pregnancies went sideways. When you get to that point, you tense up and close your eyes and hold your breath, then try to tiptoe past like you're not really there. For me, that next point will be the 7-8 week mark, where I had my first miscarriage.

So, now that I've stuffed my fancy new pregnancy test back in my backpack, I'm going to slink on over to summer camp like nothing ever happened. . .

Today's question: What has most surprised you about being an adult?

That I don't feel like an adult, even thought other people see me as one. I keep waiting to feel like a grownup, but I still feel so young. It's kind of disconcerting to realize that young people think I'm ancient--that how other people see me doesn't look at all like how I see myself.

I had a moment the other day when it really hit me just how much time has flown by, and just how old I must be (even thought I don't feel it). I was in a restaurant having lunch, and this guy walked in. He was with a woman and two little kids (maybe like 2 and 4), and another guy, but I only noticed the first guy at first. He just had this look about him: longish tangled hair, tshirt, tons of tattoos, confident yet low key. . .as I looked at him, I thought, "this is one of those moments where I am looking at someone and they are incredibly famous and I SHOULD know who they are, but once again I am culturally illiterate, and I DON'T." So anyway, they were the only other people in the restaurant, and they were seated at the next table. This guy was sitting facing me, and I slowly took in the rest of his party: cute girls, clearly his daughters; wife was pretty but not gorgeous; nice stroller; expensive handbag; and douche-y looking guy who was clearly an agent or personal assistant or something--he was the one arranging for the table, plus he was wearing a long sleeve shirt with a fabric vest over it (like the kind that goes with a three piece suit)--everyone else was in jeans and tshirts. The assistant guy had an expensive haircut and a hipper-than-thou attitude that was visible in an instant. Anyway, one of the people with me recognized the first guy, because her son is obsessed with his band. It's a really famous band, and he used to be in an uber-famous '90's band, as well.

When I realized who he was, I thought about his music career, and realized that he's been playing music for 20 years. "Wow," I thought. "Rock legend--been around forever." And I was thinking of him as being "old." (Frankly, he looks old. . .the rock n' roll lifestyle is definitely NOT the fountain of youth!) At some point after that, I was reading a newspaper article, and it said that this musician is essentially MY AGE. Which means that when I was listening to him, he was MY AGE. And since that band seems to be a million light years in my past, that must mean I am OLD LIKE HIM! Yikes. But it seems like just yesterday that grunge was in and I was jamming away to his band while wearing plaid shirts.

So, yeah. It's a surprise to me that I don't feel like and adult, and still think of myself as "young." I thought I'd be more mature at almost 40. Although, I don't regret that I don't feel like an adult, so it's all good!

Summer Camp, Day Three

2011-07-03T13:08:00.003-04:00

I never went to sleep away camp, but I always wanted to. Calliope is running the best summer camp ever, in that you can show up when you want to and have a blast, but on rainy days you can chill out somewhere else. Today's Summer Camp theme is guilty pleasures . Here are mine:

Dark chocolate
Hard cider*
Starbucks chai tea lattes
Mallowmars
Pretty Little Liars
Blogs!
Candied ginger covered in dark chocolate
Going to live theater by myself
Pringles

Sadly, that's all I've got. Even sadder that almost all of them are food-related!

Pregnancy-wise, things seem to be moving in the right direction, and I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. I haven't had any spotting in the last day, essentially for the first time since I got my first definitive positive pregnancy test. I walked a few miles yesterday, but focused on staying well-hydrated, and I didn't have any trouble with cramping or spotting. Today, we went to a museum and walked quite a bit, but things seem okay. The only pregnancy test I had in the house was a digital, which I used today, and it says I'm "pregnant", so--so far, so good!

*Obviously, not right now!

Waiting

2011-07-02T01:41:00.002-04:00

The story is quickly becoming all too familiar. . .no spotting at all during the day yesterday. I really took it easy, I didn't do our 3 mile walk last night, and I drank loads of water yesterday. Yet, just like clockwork, at around dinnertime, the cramping started, and then the spotting. It wasn't as heavy as it was a few days ago, and it was pink rather than red, but still. . .there was more than just a "spot." I went to bed early, and there's no spotting this morning. I'd like to test again to see if the line is getting darker or lighter, but I ran out of FRER's, and the line at the drugstore was realllllly long, and since it was the one near my office, I didn't want to be standing in a long line with a pile of pregnancy tests. That could have been awkward.

This is frustrating, this in between place of having the positive pregnancy test, but not knowing whether it will last. I'm not excited. I'm not sad. I'm just. . .waiting. Every day, I wait to see how things will go, and whether I have something to be excited or sad about. Every day, I feel like I get a little of both. Argh.

I called my doctor's office for the progesterone yesterday, but no one was there. No one. I guess I need to sort out this little bit of things with her. On Fridays, she apparently practices in some sort of clinic setting, rather than her usual private practice. While she has a big modern office that looks to me like a regular OB practice, I take it that everyone actually practices individually, and they all have individual staff. Her secretary was out for the day, so that meant. . .no help. I'll need to sort out with her what I should do if I need help on a day she's not in her office, and whether she has anyone who covers for her. Monday is not a holiday here, so hopefully I'll be able to sort things out then, if there's anything to sort out by then.

I'll be taking it easy this weekend, and hoping to find some clarity. Even if it's bad news and this isn't a viable pregnancy, I'll be okay. The end of one cycle means the beginning of another one. At this point, with my success rate being 1 baby for 3 previous pregnancies, I've learned to live with the negative outcomes. It's THIS that I find so hard, this place of not knowing whether I'm coming or going. I feel like I can prepare myself for anything, once I know what I'm faced with, but the unknown is so much harder.

Pregnancy the 4th?

2011-07-01T01:56:00.003-04:00

This is going to be waaaay too much information for anyone with a weak stomach, but I need to get this down so that I don't forget it, and this is the space where I keep track of these things. So without further ado. . .

T. and I usually walk 3 miles at night before dinner. It's really nice to spend that time together. Miss M chills in the stroller, and we walk and talk about the events of the day. There are no distractions, so it's a really good to connect. Two nights ago, the day that I'd had pink good spotting in the morning, I started cramping after our walk. A bit later, I started having a fair amount of bright red spotting. In the middle of the night, it was quite heavy, like my period had started. The next morning (yesterday), it was also quite heavy and bright red. After I had a bowel movement, the entire toilet was full of bright red blood. And then, nothing. No more spotting all day. Last night, we did our usual walk and I had some cramping. I drank a bunch of fluid, and it stopped, but I did have a bit of pink spotting. This morning, all I have seen is a bit of brown, but hardly any.

I tested again this morning, and the line is definitely much darker than yesterday, so I think we are heading in the right direction. This is my fourth pregnancy. With the last chemical pregnancy that I had, the tests got progressively lighter as the spotting went on. I have to say, I've never experienced bright red bleeding with any of my previous pregnancies, so I don't know what that's about.

When I said in my last post that I was worried about ectopic, it's because it's one of the possibilities when you are talking about a positive pregnancy test plus bleeding. But, I'm not in any pain, and since today is only CD28, it's too early for them to see/diagnose an ectopic, so I'm not going to head to the doctor yet. Experience has taught me that the doctor's advice will probably just be to take it easy, drink plenty of fluids, and wait. And since I have to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed, and it's sooo early still, I'm going to wait and see how things go. Since the walking seems to bring on the cramping, I'll probably skip the walk today. One thing I WILL do is call for the progesterone today.

WTF

2011-06-30T02:00:00.003-04:00

Last night the spotting got heavier, and I started getting some cramping. Sure enough, I woke up to bright red blood. But I could not help myself; I tested again. Something is just not quite right. Sure enough, the second line on the test is darker today than yesterday. But I also quite clearly have AF (early. . .by about a week. . .which never happens to me).

I am worried about an ectopic. That would really suck. A chemical pregnancy is one thing; that is quite another.

I did some reading, and it's clear that it's still too early for the doctor to do anything, and I'm not in any apparent danger, so I'm going to wait a few days and retest.

This is so frustrating. Just when I think I've got a handle on all of the rotten things that can happen to me while TTC, this popped up.

Miss M at 17 Months and Change

2011-06-29T05:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Miss M,

When I went to the doctor recently, she was asking me how old you are, and I stumbled. Because, 17 months sounds REALLY old to me! How can you possibly be 17 months already?! You continue to delight and amaze us every day, and we simply adore you. You are very funny, and absolutely LOVE to laugh. You constantly try to catch the eye of strangers, with a quick and adorable grin. You love life, and we just love that about you.

About a month or so ago, you started having your inconsolable crying jags in the middle of the night, the ones that we cannot wake you from. We've learned that these precede a big developmental growth, and sure enough, shortly after that your language skills just exploded. You know so many words that I cannot even keep track of them. Some of my favorites are "oh no mommy!" (said in a little high pitched voice that always makes me giggle, and may signify either a perceived disaster (a cartoon has ended) or a real one (upended milk on the living room carpet); "dog!" (said EVERY time we pass one on the street or in the park, with great pleasure and pointing); and "please" and "thank you." I am just so very proud that you say please and thank you in the perfectly correct context. Oh, and "Minnie" and "Mickey"--like mommy and daddy, you are a big Disney fan.

You have grown to be a sophisticated eater. You still don't eat enough for your poor mother, but you eat a wide array of foods, with a particular love of strongly flavored food. You love chicken, all cheeses (particularly strong ones), all dairy (drinking a few cups of milk each day; cottage cheese; and two containers of yogurt a day!); and pretty much all fruits and vegetables. You will eat banana pureed, but refuse to eat it raw. It is a texture thing--you hate to touch it. The same is true of raspberries--you pick them out of fruit salad and hand them back to me. You'll eat them pureed, though, so it's not the taste. You are MADLY in love with strawberries and blueberries. You've eaten an entire carton of strawberries a day for the last two days, in fact. Last night for dinner you had TWO CUPS of fruit salad! You became a big fan of apricots during our recent trip to Italy, and couldn't get enough of them. Sadly, the ones that I buy in the store here don't even remotely compare to the gorgeous, perfumed, sweet, rich apricots we got fresh from the tree in Italy. After rejecting ice cream for the last few months, you have decided that you like it very much. The ice cream joint in our neighborhood serves baby-sized mini cones for about $1.50, and we get you one when we go in. You are delighted with it. We took you for Mexican food recently, and you were all about the tortilla chips and black beans. We had a sad incident with a quesadilla, though--I tasted it and didn't think it had anything spicy in it, so I gave you a bite. Your sensitive tongue felt differently, though. You shrieked and spit it out as fast as you could, and cried. But you also, adorably, got angry at the food, and repeatedly hit the offending bite that you'd spit out on the table. It was a little sad, but priceless. A gulp of milk later, though, and you were good to go.

You are a very busy child, and like to have a lot going on. It's sometimes harder to stay in the house with you than it is to take you out and about. In your stroller or backpack, you are a delight. You love to see the sights and the people who are out, and are almost always perfectly behaved. You are generally excellent in restaurants, particularly if the staff is nice to you. You are just such a people person. You take after your daddy, who also loves to people watch. It's hilarious to watch you try to engage with people. You start by trying to make eye contact. Then you might wave. Then, you might get bold and belt out a big hello. Or, as you often say "HIYA!" People often stop to comment on how outgoing you are, and you are happy to let others hold you.

While we were on a beach in Italy, we came across a handsome young man who was with his parents. He had two prosthetic limbs, and his parents watched him anxiously. He chatted with daddy, and his mother eventually asked to hold you. You went off and played with her for the longest time, and I could see how you made her heart lift. It turned out that the young man had been in a bad accident in the last year, and almost died. He was their only child, and you could see how his parents still worried about him. He seemed confident and outgoing. Their hearts, though, still need mending, it was clear. It was so wonderful to see how your joy could lift their spirits. They asked to take pictures with us before we split up, so we did and we've got great photos of you hamming it up with them.

You LOVE the camera, and give a big toothy grin on command. I have many wonderful pictures of you from our trip to Italy, because you just love to mug for the camera. I have this one picture that I took while we were standing in line to get tickets at the Colosseum. You wrapped your arm around my neck and pulled me close, then smilled for the camera while I took our self-portrait with my free hand. The picture is just priceless. You are just so full of joy.

You are also, however, growing quite headstrong. You have a very decided preference for what you want to do, and when you are allowed to roam freely, which direction you'd like to go in. If we try to go in a different direction while you are walking, a tantrum is certain to ensue. And when leaving the playground. . .meltdown! We know it's your way of expressing your displeasure, and we roll with it. Daddy does find it a bit disconcerting, though, as before this month, we'd never experienced such behavior from you. You've always been so pleasant, so it's a bit of a shock to see you be disagreeable. Still, we treasure these moments as your little self develops. . .another milestone.

You are finally in a size 3 shoe, and wearing some 18 month clothing, although it is largely too big for you. Items sized 12-18 months seem to fit the best. The 12 month items are finally getting a bit small. You are still a skinny girl! We will have to go back to the specialist in another month to see how you are growing. Developmentally, you are thriving, but you are definitely still very petite.

You've grown a bit bored with your toys, but will sometimes play your little mini-piano and "sing" along. I recently fished out a play piggybank with play oversized coins, and it's fun to watch you build dexterity by trying to figure out how the coins go in the slot, and put them there. You also like the sand castle mixing bowl/spoon/cup set I bought you, and you pretend eat from the spoons, which cracks me up. You also pretend drink from some of your toys that are cup-like, such as some of the other sand toys. You like it when I pretend eat with you, and find it hilariously funny.

We treasure every day with you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, other than daddy. You are just such a little firecracker, so full of zest for life and so curious about everything. Our house is full of laughter every day, and that makes my life so bright and wonderful.

Love,
Mom

Huh

2011-06-29T02:11:00.002-04:00

Yesterday morning, I tested first thing then went about my usual morning routine. I was in a bit of a hurry, as I suddenly realized that I didn't need to be out of the house at 7am, as I'd been thinking all morning, but rather I needed to be somewhere at 7am. Yikes! Needless to say, I was a half hour late. Obviously, SOMETHING was distracting me! Despite being utterly and completely late yesterday morning, I took one last chance to stop and look at yesterday's pregnancy test before I walked out the door. There was just the faintest whiff of what might have been a second line. "Evap line," I thought, racing out the door. "Evap line?"

During every spare minute yesterday, I pondered the possibility that I could be pregnant. I skipped extra coffees and avoided brie cheese at lunch. Could I be?

Of course, TTC#2 had to be just a COMPLETE mindfuck, because toward the late afternoon and just before I entered a looong meeting, I discovered that I was spotting pink goop. . .not at all normal for me. Pink goop! What the hell?!

I tested again this morning, and there is indeed the faintest of second lines on the test. It's darker than yesterday, and most definitely there. And as soon as I finished testing, I discovered that I'm spotting loads more of this weird pink goop.

I am 9DPO or 10DPO today, or maybe later than that. I am not quite sure, and not sure what to make of all of this. Sigh. I won't let myself get excited, under the circumstances.

Summer Vacation

2011-06-28T01:08:00.003-04:00

The bad news is that I tested again this morning, and it's another BFN. Although I have just one baby to show for it, I've been pregnant three times, and truthfully, I just am not feeling it this month. The BFN is no surprise. In some ways, it's okay. In other ways, I just want to hurry up and be pregnant.

The good news is that I found my favorite pregnancy tests on sale yesterday! I got 4 FRER's for about $15. Hurray for that! Yeah, you really have to hold on to the little happinesses when TTC. . .otherwise, it'll drive you mad. And now in a completely different direction. . .

We've been having some fairly bitter disputes lately about a trip we are taking home this summer, and it's casting a cloud over my little world. For a few different reasons, T. wants to travel to the US at the beginning of August. For a few other reasons, it makes the most sense for me to travel at the end of August. We are traveling separately, anyway, because we had planned for T to go home for a longer stretch than I am. He'll spend time with his family; when I come over a bit later, I'll see them all briefly, and then we'll travel to see my mother, who lives in another state. The source of tension is that our respective preferred travel dates leave a period of three weeks between the time he leaves for the US and the time I do, and we can't seem to find a good compromise. I simply can't imagine being without my daughter for three weeks, and I cannot imagine her going three weeks without me. T. doesn't think this is a big deal. Frankly, neither T. or I has been particularly rational in discussing it, so strong is his desire to go home for this period, and mine to be close to my daughter.

Part of how I feel is also wrapped up in the fact that I'm worried about this trip home. T. thinks that I am irrationally worried and he translates my worry into a lack of trust of him, but I simply can't help the worrying, and it's not about not trusting him. For most of the time we are apart, T. and Miss M would be staying with T.'s mother, who lives on a beach very close to a large body of water. I haven't told you yet about the terrifying beach incident from our vacation (because I'm hoping my brain will erase it from my memory), but needless to say, Miss M has no fear whatsoever of the water (indeed, she is drawn to it), and if a crisis can happen in front of our very eyes, I am afraid of what will happen when she has the temptation of water right in front of her house for three whole weeks. I am terrified that they will lose track of her for two minutes, and tragedy will strike. TERRIFIED. Of course I trust T. with her (he's VERY protective and watchful), but she's high-spirited and highly mobile and fast, and there will be so many visitors who want to chat with him and distract him. It will be next to impossible for her to NEVER be out of his sight. That's not even a reasonable expectation. And don't even get me started on the dangers lurking in my MIL's not-childproofed house!

Then there is all of the family drama that is going on at home. Part of T's family has been having an ugly dispute, and we are sure to be drawn into it when we go home. There is unfortunately no way to avoid it, as we have some possessions on loan to one of the parties, and we have to retrieve them due to the drama. It's all incredibly sad, too, as one party has badly taken advantage of another and yet blames the other for finally taking a stand and not putting up with it any more. It's awful to see a family member turn and bite the hand that has fed her for so long, especially when it's another family member. I don't want Miss M in the middle of that, either, but mostly I don't want T. to get dragged into it more than he already is. Deep in my bones, I feel like this trip is going to be bad for him. He is looking forward to it, and I just feel like it's going to be a massive disappointment to him, and that he's going to come back depressed. I know I can't prevent him from getting hurt on this trip (it's inevitable, in my mind), but I still want to try.

On top of all of that, there is someone who will periodically be around the beach this summer that I feel may be a threat to Miss M. I could be completely off base on this one, but it's one of those situations where your antennae perk up and you just sort of feel like something is off with the person, and you don't know what they could be capable of. So of course I don't want Miss M. to be around this person, just in case. It's a mental health/substance abuse issue the person suffers with, and by all accounts it's been particularly bad of late. T. is completely and utterly in agreement with me, and feels the same way. But him agreeing with me doesn't assuage my concerns about Miss M being in the vicinity of this person. Much like the water at the beach, I'm worried about those five minutes that she somehow might manage to be off everyone's radar, everyone but this person. It utterly terrifies me.

I think the only resolution is for me to suck up my fears and let them go back for 3 weeks. We can Skype every day. People have to bear much longer separations, and they survive. (Darla!) I know this. It's just hard, given all of the aforementioned.

First Results are in and. . .

2011-06-27T02:05:00.004-04:00

Yeah, it's a BFN. No surprise there, really, but I still found myself squinching my eyes looking for that second line after I tested this morning.*

After scrutinizing my old cycles, I think the monitor is probably right in its assessment that I ovulated last Sunday, so today is probably only CD8, which is still too early. Onward we go. Tomorrow is another day, and all that jazz.

*Note that I post in EST, but I live in Europe. Although I'm crazy, I'm not crazy enough to be up, testing and posting at 2am.

Alone Time

2011-06-26T05:50:00.003-04:00

I have a few hours to myself this morning. I rarely get these times, so I try to take advantage of them. My plan is to use it to go through some of Miss M's things, shower, and blog--albeit, not necessarily in that order!

I have a big rearranging project that I want to do, to make better use of her closets. I also want to empty out her crib, which has become a holding space for clean laundry. I want to make a really serious attempt at transitioning her to the crib, as we are still co-sleeping. It's been working out completely fine, but if I get pregnant in coming months, I know I will want her in her own bed, as sleeping will become difficult enough for me without getting kicked in the head by a toddler. She's been sleeping really well lately, so we should get some pretty long stretches out of her in the crib. I plan to do it like we've done everything else--gradually. I don't subscribe to "cry it out." If we go slowly and at her pace, I expect we'll get there eventually on this, and I'm in no particular hurry. It freaks her out to wake up alone in her crib, so it's really just a matter of getting her used to it, which will take time.

I've decided that I'll start testing either tonight or in the morning. I know it's probably too early, but I want a good baseline. I'm somewhere between 7dpo and 9dpo today, depending on when I ovulated. I think I'm probably closer to 7dpo, but I'm just not sure. I've tested positive at 9dpo with my other pregnancies, including the successful one with Miss M, so I think it makes sense to start testing today, with the thought that I'll probably test positive Tuesday or Wednesday if I am actually pregnant (which I still seriously doubt). I need to run out this morning and buy some new tests--even as expensive as they are, I'm going to break down and do it! I'll probably test once a day for the next few days. I could save myself some money and see how it goes, but why?

Shower and closets and pee sticks it is, then!

Waiting on the Future

2011-06-24T14:24:00.003-04:00

As I walked down the hall today at work, I marveled at how relaxed I am about TTC this time around. It is so much less stressful for me than TTC#1. I can honestly say that I am okay with whatever happens from here. If Miss M is our only child, then so be it. If we are lucky enough to have it work out again and we get pregnant and are able to have another child, even better. T is hoping and talking incessantly about twins, which is making me a little crazy, but even that would be joyous, although a bit stressful. Triplets? Let's not even go there (I'll live vicariously through Sassy Mama, thank you very much!)

I think I'll test on Monday or Tuesday, unless I can find one of those discount stores that sells cheapo pregnancy tests for $1 each. I know I've seen the stores around here at some point. . .I just can't remember where. Pregnancy tests are terribly expensive, but I have 3 left from last time (1 FRER, which I consider to be the best test out there for early testing, and 2 digitals, which I bought only to see the word "pregnant" pop up). If I can find cheapos, I'll definitely test on Sunday, because as relaxed as I am, I still enjoy a good science experiment!

As we wait to see if we are pregnant, we are also contemplating my next career move. My contract here is up in about a year, and we're in the process of deciding what we'll do next. We definitely want to stay abroad; it's really a question of where I want to work and what I want to do. It's unlikely we'll stay in Europe, though, so it involves all sorts of interesting discussions about just what we are willing to tolerate, and what is a dealbreaker. The pregnancy stuff plays in, too, as it will become much more complicated job-wise if we don't get pregnant in the next few months.

So, lots going on, amidst all of the usual day-to-day stuff.

Travel Tuesday, ICLW Edition

2011-06-22T14:31:00.010-04:00

Welcome ICLWers! My TTC history is over on the sidebar. Here's a very brief summary: I have an amazing 17 month old daughter, Miss M, and a great husband. We're currently trying to have a second child using Clo.mid. In the past, I've struggled with late ovulation and short luteal phases, and we've had two miscarriages. Our daughter was conceived on Clo.mid. We are currently living in Europe, and I mostly blog about expat life, the baby, and TTC. On Tuesdays, I try to post about our travel exploits, so without further ado. . .

We are back from Italy, and I am exhausted. Between the Clo.mid kicking my ovaries for the better part of the week and the head cold that I ended up with, I need a vacation to recover from my vacation! But those things aside, it was fabulous. We spent most of the week on the Amalfi Coast, which was breathtakingly beautiful. Picture mountainous terrain that ends in a tumble of pastel colored houses falling toward turquoise seas. Or, see it yourself:

We rented a villa from Summer in Italy , and I can highly recommend the agency. The place we rented was gorgeous, even nicer than the photos, with an enormous patio that ran the entire length of the building, and overlooked the sea, with gorgeous views up and down the coast (we were high up on a hill). The agency was really helpful, and their prices were great. It's always hard to find an agency you trust, but they came highly recommended, and we were happy with them. We spent the week hiking and taking in the sights, and there were excellent hiking trails that started right down the street from us. The cute little grandfather who lived below our unit left us a basket of the best apricots for the baby, and she absolutely devoured them. It was just a perfect vacation.

We did this amazing hike that was incredibly hard, but so beautiful. My pictures don't even do it justice. It wound up through the mountains then back down to the ocean, through terraced lemon groves and wild olive trees, and fragrant patches of rosemary and fennel and sage and oregano growing wild everywhere. The sea glinted through the trees far, far below us, and we could hear the tinkling of sheep grazing somewhere on a terrace below us. It was simply magical.

On another day, we traveled to Paestum to see the ancient ruins there. The transportation connections were a little tough, but it was SO worth it! It was gorgeous, and so cool to see some of the best preserved Greek temples in the world (in Italy, no less!). During WWII, one of the temples was used as a Allied military field hospital during the final stages of the war, which added to the cool factor. It was in a rural area, and a huge site which included three temples, but it was almost deserted. It felt incredibly special to be walking around such an ancient and once sacred place. One of the coolest things was that there was a pool there, which women used to walk through in ancient times to try to increase their fertility. Even 2000 years ago, they struggled! The pool was still there, perfectly preserved, albeit without any water. The stones were still intact, including the shallow end where they once waded in. The temples at the site were roped off, but nothing else was, so of course I waded in (grass was growing over the stones, so I didn't feel like I was disturbing ancient ruins). Hopefully a little 2000 year old fertility magic rubbed off on me!

All in all, just a really great vacation. Miss M was a champion traveler--she loves people, she loves to sit high in her perch in the backpack as we hike around, and she really loved the food. She is going to be a wonderful travel companion as she grows.

On the TTC front, I have to say that Clo.mid was kind of rough this month. I know I shouldn't whine, because there are women using much more challenging drugs. But, I'm going to! I took it CD2-6 this time, rather than CD5-10 as I did the last few times I've used it. My ovaries both swelled, and I was in pain all week and enormously swollen. The pain continued as I ovulated. I was just swollen and in pain, and then with the head cold. . .yuck. There was a point where I was so miserable, I thought that I just didn't want to do another cycle of Clo.mid, if this one doesn't work out. I'm probably not THERE, now that the pain has cleared, but still.

I'm not exactly sure when I ovulated--I had loads of CM on CD14 and 15; the monitor gave me a peak on CD16, though. Our timing wasn't perfect, given that we have a toddler to entertain, and were vacationing with my stepsister. In fact, I'm kind of surprised we got to work anything in at all! Despite swimming in the ancient fertility pool, I'm not optimistic about this cycle. I'm not feeling it. It's so interesting, though, how much more relaxed I feel about everything now that we are TTC#2. It was so much more stressful before. I haven't even decided if I'll test, and if so, when! Last time, I practically had the tests lined up on the bathroom counter once I ovulated! I do enjoy testing, though. Maybe the beginning of next week?

Vacation

2011-06-12T01:09:00.001-04:00

Ahhhhh.... Italian sunrise, birds chirping, wAves crashing far below, the occasional scooter buzzing somewhere way off in the distNce, church bells, and glorious fresh coffee. Oh, and free wifi. It is a peaceful, magnificent morning. I watched the sun rise up over the coast as the first fishing boats headed out this morning, as an old woman swept her patio in her housedress a few terraces below me. Lush olive and fig trees coed the hillside above me. Even the milky white pigeons are gorgeous here. In this space, I feel incredibly relaxed and peaceful-a nice chAnge from the whirlwind travel and sightseeing of the pAst few days.

I feel so incredibly lucky and so blessed. It has been almost a year to the day since I left my old life. We have in some wAys come so far so fast. It's hard to believe that things could improve so much in such a short time. 18 months ago, I could have never imagined that so much was in store for me-so much goodness and light. The sweet, chatty, giggling firecracker thT is currently sleeping peacefully inside--the amazing new job that always throws something new at me--my kind, patient husband, who has gone from running his own business to running our household and done a fab job of it--and the travel! So much joy.

I'm so thankful, too, that we have been able to share all of this with family and friends. So many people have visited us in person and virtually. My stepsister is on this trip with us, and I'm having a blAst wAtching her experience this trip. I will never forget the look on her face our first morning in Rome, when we stepped inside the Pantheon. The awe and wonder and excitement...priceless. She's only Ned Broad once before, to visit us at Christmas. It is such a joy to watch travel perform its magic on her. I hope we are instilling lifelong lessons about the possibilities the world holds. The trip is ostensibly our college graduation gift to her, but really, it's the bigger lesson about spreading your wings and exploring the unknown, which I hope to impart.

Excuse the typing-iPhone errors! Someone is stirring inside, so I'm off

PS. High on the monitor on CD9. Clom.I'd seems to be working!

On Hiatus!

2011-06-08T15:58:00.002-04:00

Just a quick note to say that I am finally taking a real vacation, for the first time since 2008. (I keep having to point out to childless people that maternity leave isn't exactly vacation; they totally don't get it). We're leaving tomorrow for a week on the Italian coast. I've been looking forward to it for a long time, and I'm so excited.

I also feel like crap, which just irritates me. Why do I have to feel lousy as we leave for vacation? But I've been having indigestion and some light heart palpitations, and Clo.mid days 2-6 has resulted in hot flashes (didn't have them last time on CD5-9) and a period that goes on and on and on. I'm really kind of ready to be done with it, so it's a good thing tomorrow is CD6, and my last dose of Clo.mid. I'm really hoping that getting some sleep and relaxing (and no more coffee or tea, which I've been off since I realized my stomach was really acting up a few weeks ago) will make it all better.

Miss M turns 17 months tomorrow, too. I can hardly believe it. She's sitting by my feet (got off the couch--who knows why?) and watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse as I type this--a huge favorite of hers. She carried the remotes to me so that I would turn the tv on for her. Uh-oh! She is getting to be such a little girl, and constantly cracks me up with all of her new words and phrases. Tonight at dinner it was "all gone!" She seems to master something new every time I turn around. She is just a blast. I am so looking forward to spending this vacation with her and T.

See you in a week or so!

Guilty Little Pleasures

2011-06-06T17:39:00.000-04:00

Two of the things I miss most about not being in the US (other than friends and family, of course) is good Tex-Mex and bad tv. Yesterday we got a healthy dose of both, and it was pretty amazing.

I've always had something of an affinity for Latin America. When I was in high school, people thought it was silly that I was studying Spanish instead of French; a couple of decades later, immigration and migration patterns have made me look pretty smart. Along with language and culture, Latinos have dumped fantastic cuisine into the melting pot, and I think it's become a part of American culture to a point where we don't even think about it. Even in the Northeastern part of the US, this is true. But here in western Europe, there are very few people from Latin America, and hence, there is no decent Latin American cuisine. I'm in a major city, and I can probably count all of the Mexican restaurants on one hand. We've scoured the city for decent Mexican. I can't even find jalapenos fresh at the market (and at home, I cooked with them every week!). I asked my secretary if she had any idea where to find them, and she had no idea what I was even talking about!

So it was a pretty big deal last weekend when we finally checked out a restaurant we'd heard about, and it turned out to even be pretty good--the best Mexican food we've been able to find. It was so good that we went back this weekend, and I happily paid 15$ for two small fish tacos while T. scarfed down a $12 steak burrito. Our bill, for chips, salsa, guacamole, a soda, a mojito, a cheese quesadilla, a burrito and my two tacos, was $60, including tip, but it was worth every last penny. Heaven! (As a side note, it is insanely expensive here, and I can tell from my willingness to spend $15 on tacos that I really have been here for a while.)

Miss M was hilarious at the restaurant. She loves the chips, and would eat little bits of quesadilla, but was mostly too delighted to be sitting at the table to really eat. They had cool high chairs that pulled right up to the table, and she was loving it. I tried to give her guacamole, and she REALLY didn't like it (no worries--it wasn't at all spicy). She was trying to scrape it off her tongue to get it out of her mouth. My husband doesn't like avocados, either, so I guess she's taking after daddy on that.

Don't tell anyone, but last summer, we became totally hooked on that ridiculous show called "Pretty Lit.tle Liars." Sadly, they've only been showing last summer's episodes here. Although there is a lot of American television on cable here, it's ridiculous how far behind it runs from the U.S. schedule. For a few shows, we get the episodes just a few weeks later, but more often, it's MONTHS. We hadn't seen a new episode of PLL since last August, and today T. mentioned the show, so I looked it up online. Where have we been? It's been airing in the US since January! Sadly, we can't stream it from any of the free sites, because they require you to be in the US (damn licensing laws!). So, we bought a couple of episodes from i.Tunes and indulged. It's so bad, but so delicious. (Who is A? What does he/she want? It's clearly not Toby or his creepy sister, given the last episode. Is it Noah, or is that just another ruse? No, don't tell me--I still have this entire season to watch!)

PS I started the Clo.mid. It's a little weird to be taking in on CD2. Like, I already have to deal with my period--it feels a little unfair to be struck with it and Clo.mid at the same time. The good news is that it was inexpensive. They gave me the entire prescription (for 6 months worth) all at once, and it was only about $40 US for all of it. I didn't even both to use my health insurance, which would have only doled it out one month at a time, and charged me a copay of $10 each month. It made me wonder how much of a medication's actual cost is covered or even exceeded by copays.

The Plan, Stan

2011-06-04T04:58:00.002-04:00

I had an interesting visit with the doctor yesterday.

I had the last appointment of the day, but she was running right on time. Doctors visits that I have experienced here have been distinctly different from the U.S.. The doctor came to the reception area herself and greeted me. She is maybe ten years older than I am, and was very cool. She took me into her office, which had the setup I've come to expect: there is an examining table, AND the doctor's desk, chairs, etc. We sat down and chatted for maybe 20 or 30 minutes about my history. It was mostly a good discussion, except for the part where she seemed a little discouraging about having a second child at all (she questioned why I wanted a second child, and said she was "still traumatized" by her children's toddlerhood--but, she and her husband are both doctors, so it was chaotic). I thought that was a little. . .odd. But, whatever. She did the usual exam, in the same office (no stirrups, which struck me as unusual), and also did an ultrasound to check my lining and ovaries. She had a little tiny laptop-like setup right there, which was kind of cool. Then I got dressed, and we talked for a while longer.

She said that everything looks really good, and that my system is clearly finally responding hormonally. She said I got a really slow start post-breastfeeding, but she's happy that everything is working now. We talked a lot about Clo.mid, and whether I should use it. She didn't really have any concerns about using it at my age. She said it affects everyone differently, in terms of how it works and what its effect is on the lining. And, I did get pregnant both times I used it before (although, one of those pregnancies didn't stick). After doing the full exam, she said that she was fine with either prescribing it, or waiting and seeing how things went. She thought both were reasonable options. We also talked about my timeframe, and how we'll be moving again during the fall of 2012, likely to a place with a less robust medical system. In light of that, she recommended using the Clo.mid now, to "regulate" things and really get things going. She gave me a prescription for 6 MONTHS of the stuff (!!), for use on days 2-6, although I used it on days 5-9 in the past. She said that there are different protocols for how to use it, which I was aware of, and she believes in prescribing it for 2-6. I'm fine with that. She also said that they usually do a scan around CD12, to make sure that you aren't producing too many eggs. Unfortunately (well, not really!), we're headed out on vacation next week, and won't be around on CD12. She said that was fine. And, $700 later, I was on my way. (I have to pay up front, and then try to get reimbursed by my insurance company.) I feel like I got my money's worth, though, as that covered the visit, the ultrasound, and the cost of the pap smear analysis--plus, I was there with her for about an hour.

Then this morning, I got my period. I can't believe the timing. That means Clo.mid starts. . .tomorrow!

So all in all, I feel really good about things. I found a doctor I really like, I have answers, and a plan. When I met up with T. and Miss M. after my appointment, he also was really relieved to have a plan. He's anxious to have a second child, and glad to just have a timeframe and a plan finally in place.

I must say, though, that I am suddenly having a little anxiety about twins. Clo.mid increases the possibility to 5-10%. If it had happened the first time, I would have been perfectly happy with that (although, no doubt been a nervous freak about carrying a twin pregnancy, given the increased risks). Now that we have Miss M. (and know what we're in for by adding a single baby), the idea of twins freaks me out a little. At the same time, we would obviously be thrilled, particularly T. So much joy! We are also in the enviable position of being able to have him stay home with the kids, and we will likely be able to afford to hire an extra pair of hands. But still. . .that's a lot of chaos on so many levels.

Now I have to deal with one of the odd issues that only comes up when you are trying to create a baby. . .we're taking my step-sister on vacation with us, as her graduation gift. We are really excited to see her, and to be able to share this incredible adventure with her. She has her own room for most of the trip, but for our very last night, we were just going to grab a triple, because we've had trouble finding a place that has two rooms at a reasonable price. But, now that my period has arrived, the last night of our vacation is CD15, which means we kind of need our own room. But, not such a bad "problem" to have!

Appointment

2011-06-02T17:49:00.003-04:00

I've had a little trouble making the appointment for my annual exam. Last week was crazy at work, and it just didn't happen. When I finally connected today with the office of the doctor I had chosen, it turned out that she is on sabbatical. . .in the Middle East. So much for all of the agonizing I did over selecting a doctor. You'd think that her website might mention that she's not currently accepting new patients.

I called the second choice on my list, and it turned out that they have a cancellation for tomorrow. Hopefully, AF will hold off for long enough. I realized I'd forgotten something in my last post--it wasn't just that I had late ovulation, but also that I had a really short luteal phase. If I ovulated normally last Monday or Tuesday, I seem to be back on track, as far as that is concerned, which is a huge relief.

So, that's my news. GYN appointment tomorrow, and hopefully, that will lead to a doctor I like, and a plan.

Patience or Action?

2011-05-29T12:05:00.002-04:00

My original plan had been to finish nursing, wait to get my period, see new OB/GYN for annual exam and discussion about TTC#2, and then TTC#2. Only, it took longer to get my period than I thought it would after we stopped nursing, and I ovulated really late once my period finally started again (ie, CD-26-ish). Now I'm wondering if I should still stick with the original plan. I'm worried that the doctor will recommend a wait-and-see approach to my cycle. Maybe not, but I'm worried about it. My old RE was very clear that ovulation that late means poor egg quality. Dr. Google, however, has just found another RE who states for all the internet to see that EARLY ovulation means failing ovarian reserve, and delayed means good ovarian reserve and does not relate to egg quality at all. Hrmmm. . . It's a little maddening.

I found a fertility clinic here in my city which I could go to, for a more definitive answer. They'd do a fertility workup for a relatively small amount of money. That might not be necessary, at this point, but at least it would give me some peace of mind about hormone levels (or, not). I'd probably have to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed (oh, the joys of American health insurance in a foreign land), but it's doable out of pocket, and my insurance would likely reimburse. I feel a little silly about that, though, like I'm jumping the gun.

I could see the OB/GYN first and see what she says about late ovulation and Clo.mid, but that means I lose another cycle. At least theoretically, I should get my period this week. I think I could get in and get the fertility testing done at the beginning of this cycle, but there's no way to get in and see the OB/GYN AND get the fertility testing done. There isn't time. It's a little crazy-making--I wish I'd anticipated this. I just though things would be different this time. I'm starting at a healthier weight, I've been taking good care of myself. It's supposed to be different! Except, I'm also two years older. And yet, I'm still really optimistic about all of this. I have no idea why.

I hate this part, the part where you don't know what's going on and you don't yet have a doctor or a plan. I know it will get squared away, and soon. But until then, I'm second-guessing myself every two minutes. Right this minute, I think I will probably see the OB/GYN first, and go from there. But five minutes from now, who knows?

Balance

2011-05-26T17:43:00.006-04:00

Sometimes, only time can give you perspective. Certain ideas, thoughts, and experiences need to ripen in order to be understood and appreciated. I suspect that this was one of those weeks for me.

The thought has crossed my mind more than once recently that in leaving one career behind for another, I left good things behind with the bad. One of the things that I sometimes miss is the intellectual challenge of my old job, although enough time has passed that I recognize that the challenge was both good and bad for me. When you have worked hard at something, something difficult, and you have excelled at it, there is a certain satisfaction to it. Of course, the ugly truth is that there is a often a cost to excelling at something hard--it takes blood and sweat and tears and time, and more often than not, you sacrifice your personal life at the alter of success. My current job is interesting and unique and often fun. It is sometimes intellectually challenging. But. . .sometimes I'm bored, and mostly, it's not overly difficult for me. Which is sort of one of the reasons I chose it, because on the other hand, I am not sacrificing my personal life. Just the opposite, in fact--I'm home for dinner (almost) every night, and we do things as a family every weekend. My husband says he's seen me more in the last year than in all of the time we've been together (well over a decade).

However, over this last week or so, I was working on a big project, and it was intense and fun and interesting and unique (although, also not exactly intellectually challenging). I was perfectly competent at it, and people seemed to appreciate that, but. . .it was pretty much just logistics on my end, lists and phone calls and moving pieces around the chess board. What I highly enjoyed, though, was not so much the actual job, but the pace, which was crazy. It was all very intense and last minute and rush-rush-rush, with lots of moving parts, and I LOVED that. It reminded me, just a tiny bit, of one of the things I truly loved about my old job. I am an adrenaline junky. I like the fast pace. I thrive on chaos. I like to walk the tight rope without a net. I thought, ah, THIS is what I've been missing lately. With a little more of THIS, I would be so happy.

But.

As much as I thrive in high-pressure situations, it was also equally clear to me how toxic it is for me to be in them. It's so addictive. . .like a drug, I become all-consumed by it. Time melts away, I become intensely focused, even forgetting to eat. I love how brightly the candle burns when there is a goal in sight and you can go after it all-out. Yet, late nights arrivals home and early morning departures are not what I want for my child on a regular basis. I will not be that kind of parent. That is part of the reason I turned the page a year ago.

And I realized this week how different my life is now. I loved many things about my old job, my old life, but it was like I was living in black and white. It was very, very good. But now, with Miss M, I have a happy little family, and my life has sprung forward in full color, and it is so much better than before. There is a texture, a richness that I never knew existed before she came into our world. I wouldn't trade it for anything. The intellectual challenges of the past, the fast pace, the adrenaline. . .it's fun, but it's like great sex. You enjoy it in the moment, but you can't build a life on just that. There must be more.

So it has me thinking a lot, about the tension of thriving off something that is also not good for me, and where I go from here. My current assignment ends in another year or so, and I have a chance to do something more intellectually challenging at that point. Questions abound, though, as to whether I can take up something more complicated, without also sacrificing my personal life. There is the very real possibility that while some people may be able to do hard work and work very hard without making personal sacrifices, there may be unique quirks of my personality that make it impossible for me to find a happy medium between serious work and a full family life. I may only be capable of jumping off the cliff and leaping all-consumed into professional challenges, rather than wading in up to my ankles.

Hmmm.

PS My fertility monitor finally gave up on ovulation, and flashes that annoying little "m" at me every morning, taunting me that I'm supposed to have my period already. My painful ovaries, however, have told me that I finally ovulated around CD26 or 27.

Making Changes

2011-05-22T17:37:00.003-04:00

While I was in the bookstore searching for a new book that the latest issue of InStyle claims is THE style guide, I discovered a section called "tragic life stories." You know, "fiction," "home decorating," "tragic life stories." I'm not kidding. It was full of books that had pictures of angelic looking children on the covers, and the books were all essentially about how they died. There were many, many dozens of titles on the shelves. WTF??! I was completely horrified. And I didn't find the style book, either.

I was searching for the book because Operation Self-Renovation is well underway. Well, I spent a day shopping, which is practically the same thing. Thank goodness Miss M is a delightful little shopper. I browsed magazines, I searched the stores, and I have ideas for a few new purchases (which I haven't committed to yet. . .I wanted to get an overview first of just how dreadful my current wardrobe is--it's not too bad, actually). I'm in need of some new shoes, some new belts, and some new weekend clothes.

Although I didn't actually commit to any clothes this weekend, I bought new lipstick. Two, in fact, both of them perfect shades, one neutral and one very, very red. I heart them. They are a local drugstore brand, but creamy and moisturizing with just the right amount of color in them. I scored a very good new mascara, too. I've never become married to a mascara brand, so I try a new one every time. This one seems like it might be a keeper, but I need a few more days in it. My lashes look great, but I'm also all about the staying power when it comes to mascara. I'm not sure what I do to it, but I manage to end up with half of it under my eyes halfway through the day, if it's not the "right" kind. It's like my eyelashes sweat.

Here's what I have discovered so far, during my mission: style-wise, the universe seems to have fallen into the realm of 1984-1990. I am a serious saver. If I MIGHT need it someday, I pack it neatly away to a location I am sure to never remember. I have saved all of my clothes (unless worn out) for YEARS. But, before I moved here, I cleared away all of my outdated fashion items, from cutoff jean shorts to palazzo pants, because they were so. . .1984-1990. And now everywhere I turn, gah. . .cutoff jeans and palazzo pants. I just read a magazine article oohing and ahhing over Rachel Bilson in a hideous floral dress and a black blazer. It was like Laura Ashley plus Armani. . .awful. Everywhere I turn, this is what I find. I think my utter lack of style might be preferable. But, I'm still shopping.

As for my hair, I don't think I'm so far off. It's really long right now--maybe 6 inches or so past my shoulders, and wavy. I'm probably just going to cut a couple of inches off the bottom. I'm thinking about some long bangs that I can sweep to one side, but I'm on the fence about those. I haven't had bangs since high school. Once I realized what a pain it was to grow them out again, I never wanted to risk bangs. But it's just hair, and I'm toying with the idea.

I didn't make any major makeup purchases this weekend, because it was more than I was up for. The makeup counters were mobbed, and I just wasn't in the mood (other than lipstick and mascara, which were easy purchases). Eye shadow and foundationy products always confuse me. I need a lot of help with finding the right shade.

In other news, I still haven't ovulated, and I'm on CD24 or something horrid like that. I still haven't picked a doctor. I might just go with my gut. It's just one appointment, at this point, and I might as well test drive the doctor at a time when it won't matter if we don't connect. I have a crazy week coming up at work (more successful people, more famous people, oh joy!), so it will be next week before I can find time for an appointment (assuming I can even get one that quickly--my old practice was booked waaaay in advance). And right now, I'm falling asleep over the keys, so it's off to bed for me.

Travel Tuesday: Where to Stay

2011-05-17T08:32:00.004-04:00

Welcome to my new project, Travel Tuesdays!

I have been doing a fair bit of traveling since we moved here. I've always loved to explore new places, and I am a bit of an armchair traveler regardless, always reading travel stories and travel guides and doing a bit of planning in my head for that next trip. I've picked up some useful tips along the way. I thought it might be interesting/helpful for others with small children to hear about our experiences traveling with a toddler, and to here my tips and tricks for making it work. We take Miss M. pretty much everywhere, so I'll be covering all sorts of topics. And T. is so entirely sick of listening to me talk about the trips I'm currently planning, so I sort of need a new audience!

First up: Lodging.

It goes without saying that one of the biggest components of travel costs, after transportation, is lodging. I have three core approaches to lodging, as follows:

1. I generally start by reviewing guidebooks and online listings regarding hostels in the area I will be traveling to. Although I'm a bit old to stay in a hostel dorm room, and most hostels don't allow toddlers in their dorm rooms anyway, many hostels DO also have double or family rooms. It's worth checking out this option, as you can sometimes find really cool options which are also VERY inexpensive. The downside to this option is that they are often booked way, way in advance, as hostels tend to have only a small amount of such rooms on offer. It's always worth a shot, though. Plus, hostels tend to have cool community living rooms and kitchens that you can use, and we've met loads of interesting people that way.

2. My second stop is usually Price.line. But wait. . .I don't just go on Price.line and bid. I have developed a STRATEGY, based on a very helpful website called Better Bidding. The website is useful in a few different ways: first, it has entire sections devoted to areas where you might want to bid (each American state, Caribbean, "other countries", etc.). Say you want to travel to Boston. You can look under Massachusetts, and then see what deals people have scored recently (or during the same month last year or the year before) for Boston hotels, so you have a ballpark estimate on the amount of money you might need to bid to be successful (if you've ever bid on Price.line, you know why this is important. . .you can only bid so many times before you have to wait 24 hours to lodge another bid). The Better Bidding website also has reviews of hotels, as well as lists of what hotels Price.line has put in which zone, and what classification (how many stars) Price.line has given those hotels, so you have some inside information on how to bid on a hotel that you actually want. But, perhaps most useful is the part of the site that talks STRATEGY. You see, Price.line is based on zones. Let's say there are five zones in the city you are bidding. You can actually play with the zones to discover whether there are any four or five star hotels in those zones. If there are NOT, you have basically won yourself the ability to bid an extra time without adding a zone. So, say you want to stay in the "center city" zone, but looking at "really far away from center" zone, you notice that it has no 5* hotels, nor does "north of center." You bid $70 on 5* hotels in "center city." If you win, great, but if rejected, you can take another bite at the apple right away. You add a second zone ("really far away from center"), because you know it has no 5* hotels, and bid $80 (you are still only bidding on "center city", because "really far away" has no 5* hotels. . .but Price.line doesn't recognize that and lets you bid a second time, anyway). If rejected, you then bid a third time, adding "north of center," because it also doesn't have any 5* hotels. And so on. If you are reasonably accurate in your initial assessment of what a successful bid will be, by looking at prior bidders winning bids on the Better Bidding website, you can usually use this strategy to land yourself a good deal. If you cannot, it's likely you are bidding during busy season, or in a really expensive city. Sometimes hotels will also pop up few weeks down the road, if you can wait a bit longer.

Some caveats about this: I only bid on 4 star and 5 star hotels on Price.line, because I think quality just gets too unreliable when you go down to 3 star hotels, and although Better Bidding also gives you info on Hot.wire, I never use it, as I don't think the deals are as good (if you are so inclined, however, Better Bidding can help you figure out what Hot.wire hotel you are bidding on, BEFORE you bid on it). I have stayed in very nice places all over, using the aforementioned Price.line strategy. Most recently, we paid $85 for a newly renovated hotel in Brussels which had a fantastic pool. The best available rate online was about $140. I really, really wanted a hotel with an indoor pool, and was fairly confident that I could get this one, based on my Better Bidding research, and was thrilled when it worked out.

3. My third go-to option for finding reasonably priced lodging is to rent an apartment. Pretty much every area that caters to tourists has short-term apartments for rent. We just stayed at a gorgeous place in Amsterdam, with a small yard, huge living room, full kitchen and bedroom, for less than we would have paid for a crappy hotel room per night. We never could have afforded to stay at a 4* hotel in Amsterdam--even the budget places were crazy expensive. From the apartment we rented, we could walk to tourist locations, and we were also right near a tram. It was perfect in every way. It was beautifully decorated, and the owner had left maps and other materials there for our use. It had a television, cd player, cd's, books, linens for our use, pots, pans, dishes, dishwasher, and all of the usual appliances. It was really fantastic.

I was resistant to renting apartments for a long time because I was concerned about getting conned, but it's so much more convenient than a hotel when you have a small child. You can keep things in the fridge, and eat meals on your own schedule. It's nice to have coffee in your own place in the morning while the baby plays. Having a kitchen also saves you money. I do like a good meal out when I travel, but it's so much easier to be able to have some meals at home. As far as eating meals out go, I find it's generally cheaper to splash out on a big meal at lunch than dinner, anyway, and then have a simple supper at home. You get to enjoy the local cuisine at a fraction of the price of dinner--and, restaurants are more open to toddlers at lunch than dinner!

I find apartments by locating a reputable rental agency, and checking through their listings for something that meets my budget. I'm not too particular on number of bedrooms, since it's sometimes cheaper to rent a two bedroom than a one bedroom. I more look at overall price, the location of the apartment, and the location of the places that I would like to visit in the city. Again, I consult guidebooks and online message boards to find good rental agencies. I also try to find reviews of individual apartments from people who have rented the apartments in the past. Note that an apartment might be listed by different/competing rental agencies for different prices. I discovered two agencies were renting a unit that I liked for an upcoming Italian vacation, and there was a 60% difference in price between the two agencies! So, it's worth googling the name of the property to see if anyone else has it listed for a better price. However, note that some rental properties might be rented under multiple names by different/competing agencies for marketing reasons, which can make it a bit hard to compare prices. I only found the two agencies were both marketing the property I was interested in because I had looked at a LOT of apartments online while searching, and the photographs of this one apartment were particularly striking and identifiable. (I was also able to get a 5% discount from my preferred rental agency, when I mentioned I'd found the unit listed by someone else!). Many of these agencies also accept credit cards, which makes me more comfortable, but the chance of fraud is obviously a small possibility. I do a lot of research before I commit to an agency, to try to make sure I'm dealing with a reputable agency.

I've used each of these options in the U.S. and abroad. There is no one option that works every time, but one or the other generally seems to come through for me. I rarely simply go online to book a hotel. And, I always stay someplace nice, at a reasonable price, because vacation is about enjoying your surroundings. Even if you don't spend piles of time in your room, it still adds a little something to stay in a nice place with a bit of character.

Next Travel Tuesday: Amsterdam

In Style

2011-05-16T18:09:00.002-04:00

I caught sight of myself in a department store mirror today at lunchtime. Good lord, I am in desperate need of a makeover. My skin is pale and washed out. My hair is too long and shapeless. My clothes all seem to be too big or too small, and I have these very definite piles of "work clothes" and "play clothes," rather than some overarching sense of style. Frankly, at my age I think a woman should have style. Yet, here I sit in a tshirt and yoga pants, and my weekend wear doesn't stray far from this.

I would love to hire a professional stylist to shop for me and show me how to put everything together. Polaroids for my closet would be nice. I like to look good, but I don't like for it to be any effort, and it feels like such an effort, in the midst of everything else. Of course, I can't afford to hire a professional stylist.

The baby dropped my favorite eyeshadow and smashed it, I smashed my blush, and in a moment of supreme grace managed to drop my mascara in the toilet. It is so clearly time to start over.

Where do you start, when you need new hair and new makeup and new clothes (or at least, a healthy infusion of fresh pieces) and a style makeover? Sigh. And if I can't find a doctor I like, how will I ever find someone to cut my hair?

PS CD18 and no sign of ovulation. Double sigh.

Baby the Second

2011-05-15T06:34:00.004-04:00

I am having a challenging time identifying a doctor here, or really even navigating the healthcare system at all. It's so confusing, and it's clearly not patient-driven, because there is essentially no information online about physicians' practices and hospitals. Someone gave me a list of "recommended" doctors, but it's completely outdated. One of the hospitals on the list has closed, and at least one of the doctors isn't practicing any more. It was hard enough for me to decide on a doctor and a practice in a healthcare system I was familiar with and confident in. It's exponentially more difficult in a foreign country. Also, all of the OB's here seem to be men. I am soooo not into that. I have had bad experiences with male doctors and my nether regions (painful ones), and my rule is that if you don't have a hoo-hoo, you shouldn't touch mine.

I have found one that seems like a good fit on paper. She's practicing at a hospital I think I could live with, not too far from my house, and I found a few newspaper articles which seem to reflect a philosophy close to my own. I wish I could talk to some of the women in my office who are pregnant or have recently given birth so I can find out what their experiences have been like with various doctors and hospitals in the city, but there is no way to do that without outing myself, and I don't know any of them well enough to know if I can trust them. It's hard to commit to a hospital, in particular. It's hard to choose without feedback from someone you know and trust, and without being able to ask questions. I will have to troll message boards to see if I can come up with some personal experiences.

(As an aside, Little House on the Prairie happens to be on right now, and it's an episode addressing infertility. The female character, one I'm not familiar with--Ann?--is furious that everyone thinks she should consider adoption, because she is just so sure she can get pregnant, no matter what the fancy city doctors tell her. Huh. Ohhhh, there is a sad little boy that needs adopting, and she's resisting because she wants her own kids, and her husband wants to adopt him. Who knew LHONP was so in tune with reality? I'm in tears watching how badly her husband wants to adopt. And now, she has decided she wants to adopt him. I love a good old-fashioned happy ending. And bacon. Which I can smell. Yummm. . .T. must be cooking me brunch!)

And don't even get me started on the labyrinth of health insurance. I have American insurance, and we generally have to pay out of pocket for care, then get reimbursed. Ouch. The flip side, though, is that healthcare is more affordable here. Tests that costs thousands in the U.S. are only hundreds here. But still. . .ouch.

I was also just reading about Clo.mid, and it looks like it really isn't recommended for women my age, due to it's negative impact on the lining, which the RE had also mentioned last time. I've noticed that the skin on my hands and neck is thinning and looking kind of crepe-y if I don't keep it well-moisturized. It looks ancient, and it is weird to see it. I don't feel like I'm old enough to have skin that looks like that, and I certainly have never been a sun goddess. Aging is so odd. I guess you never feel as old as you are, or you look. Dr. Google tells me that thinning skin is a result of dropping estrogen levels. Another warning sign, I suppose. Argh. I feel old today.

As an aside, I am launching a new project on Tuesday. Stay tuned!

On Being Famous

2011-05-14T05:00:00.004-04:00

I am a little bit sad, because I have to work on this glorious Saturday, and can't spend the day with T. and Miss M. They just left the house for an adventure with a friend. I am going to meet up with them later, but I am still sorry to be missing out on the intervening hours. Since I don't have to go to work for a little while, though, I'm going to use the quiet time to do some things around the house that I've been blatantly ignoring for far too long (like, folding laundry, and packing away baby clothes that no longer fit. . .oh, and blogging!).

Cycle-wise, things appear to be craptastic once again. I have to say, even though I knew it probably wouldn't be different, I was oh-so-hopeful that two years down the road, things had somehow improved with my body. I'm on CD16, and still no sign of ovulation. I would like to think that either the fertility monitor isn't working, or the expired test sticks I'm using aren't picking up on it. . .but all of the other signs of ovulation are clearly missing, as well. One of the OTHER things I have to do while I have a few minutes of quiet time today is research doctors. I still haven't found a new OB here, and that is high on my list of priorities. I suspect we will are going to need a little help again this time around.

And now that we've dispensed with the preliminaries, it's time for the top billing. . .

My job is weird, in that I often get to meet very well known and successful people. Sometimes they are industry leaders, sometimes politicians, sometimes Hollywood types. This week, I met three people that easily qualify as famous. One was a well known government figure, and two were Hollywood types. I was struck, as I often am, by how vastly different they were.

The government figure, who I'll call Doug, was kind and decent and smart and funny. He engaged with everyone in the room. He was patient, even when the situation was trying. He was thoughtful. He treated everyone as his equal, even when they clearly were not. He made eye contact. He is a very, very successful and very, very powerful man, but he was comfortable in his own skin, and it showed. He didn't rub your face in who he was, but rather related to you as a human being. I heart him.

The Hollywood stars, who I will call Arse and Arsier (you can see where this is going), were the inverse. They were, the pair of them, both very, very successful in their respective fields. But they were not thoughtful or kind or even comfortable in their skins. They were dismissive, looked through people, were unwilling to engage, and frankly, were downright rude. They were, so to speak, on MY playing field, there to work with my colleagues and I, but they treated me as though I were somehow invading THEIR world, as though I were imposing upon them. (I was simply doing my job, by the way--not looking for a photo or an autograph or anything like that.) I came home from work completely dispirited. It's been a long time since I've felt so invisible. They are meaningless to me, but it was still shocking to see that they clearly thought they were somehow beyond basic human decency, as though common courtesy simply wasn't required of someone famous.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine after the fact, and she has a theory that is a good one, I think. She said that Hollywood fame is hard to achieve, and even harder to maintain, so that when people DO get there, it's almost as though they behave like jerks to show how different they are from people who aren't famous. As though, breathing the rarified air of fame and fortune truly makes they a different animal altogether, beyond the social niceties of the rest of humanity. And, they are incredibly insecure, because it could all evaporate in an instant, so they are paranoid about how they will be perceived, which causes them to be intemperate over the most minor things, and utterly unable to engage, lest they manage to say or do something that is less than uber-cool. As far as I can tell, being famous has never done anything to improve a person's character.

Arguably, Arse and Arsier have had so much professional success, they should almost be beyond such behavior (it's not like anyone doubts their ability, at this point), but I could also clearly see that my friend was right. Both of them seemed insecure to me, during my discussions with them. Which struck me as odd. In the same situation, I would have been comfortable and secure and not thought twice about engaging with me. I would have seen it as simply part of what I was there to do, had we exchanged places. Instead, they hemmed and hawed and were ultimately rude to me, each in their own way. But they were rude because inherently, they were afraid to engage with me, and rudeness was their way of avoiding the situation altogether.

When you achieve a really high level of fame, there must be so many people who want a piece of you that you must end up getting burned over and over again. It's almost inevitable. You trust someone just a little bit, they take what they want, they cash in on you. I can see that, and I can see how much that must suck. By contrast, it's struck me that people like Doug are generally more secure in their success, because they are capable of something that has a bit more substance. They know they have a skill, and if their current job doesn't work out, there are loads more opportunities available for them, because they are smart and successful and accomplished. If you are a successful political figure, you can go on to become all sorts of other things. Hollywood success is more of a one trick pony. If movies, tv or theater don't work out for you, you are basically washed up. There is a confidence and stability in a Doug that isn't there in an Arse. It makes me really prefer working with the Dougs of this world.

As for Arse and Arsier. . .I feel a little sorry for them, but the pitfalls of fame don't excuse their behavior. Everyone gets taken advantage of in life, and if more is asked of them because they are successful Hollywood stars, perhaps more is expected of them given what they've been given. I think you can be careful of being burned, and still be kind. You can watch your own back, and still give back.

It hasn't changed what I think of them in their professional capacity, I suppose, because I've never really been starstruck. I see famous people as simply people. I still think Arse and Arsier are accomplished. I still think they produce good work. But, my interaction with them this week does change how I feel about spending money on projects that I know are theirs. I know that my entertainment dollar won't go to their projects from here forward. I don't patronize the restaurant down the street where the waiters are rude to me, even though the food is good and the atmosphere is great. I don't buy things from shops with rude shopkeepers, no matter how cool the shop may be. Why would I go to a movie when the director has treated me poorly in person? They may be talented, but there's a lot of talent out there, and since I don't have time to see every movie or television show out there, anyway, it's just as easy to choose one that involves people who haven't treated me as though I were something less than gum on the bottom of their shoes.

More Thoughts on Number Two

2011-05-07T15:27:00.005-04:00

I was reading this post yesterday about another blogger's thoughts on having a second child. She complied a list of all the reasons why she won't consider another biological child, and on it she put "I never want to even create the chance to experience pregnancy loss again."

When I read that, I realized that I am in a place where I not only am willing to take that risk, but I sort of expect that will be a part of this journey ahead of me. After all, I'm two years older than last time, and well, that didn't go so smoothly. It was interesting, though, to realize that I've so internalized that risk, that until I read that, I wasn't even consciously aware of accepting that risk as part of the potential path ahead of me.

The other thing her post brought home for me is how good I have things. I mean, I do KNOW that, but sometimes it's easy to get busy with life and overlook how incredibly good our lives are. I am blessed not only with a wonderful, loving husband, but a wonderful, loving husband who is psyched to stay at home with the kids while I go to work and indulge myself by nurturing my brain. He is ready, willing and able to stay home with a second child. We can afford to do this. He is really great at it, too. He's been completely managing the household--he cooks all of the meals, does all of the cleaning, does the grocery shopping and other errands. He is awesome. We also live in a great place, and have room for another child. We are really, really blessed. If ever there was a perfect time in our lives to have a second child, it is now.

As I go through my day with Miss M, I have started to imagine what it will be like to have two children. I try to imagine meeting the needs of two, and the sibling rivalry. I am still a little scared of making it all work, truthfully. But I am also really excited about having those family bonds. I can see them, feel them, and I so look forward to expanding our family, even despite the anticipated chaos.

What Was It Like Before This?

2011-05-06T15:05:00.004-04:00

T and Miss M met me at work, and we walked to this gorgeous park that has a wide expanse of grass and trees. T had made a picnic for our dinner, and brought wine and plastic wine glasses and a blanket to sit on. Miss M refused to eat, and ran around instead, pretending to drink out of the (empty) wine glasses. She would go far, far, far away from us, turning and laughing at us periodically. She is so bold. Then she'd come running back, and make off with T's hat or her bag of snacks or some other little thing, giggling as though it were the most hilarious thing ever. As the sun set, it was warm but not too warm--perfect picnic weather. She was dressed in a ridiculously cute outfit, too--a white short sleeve bodysuit, a denim Oshkosh overall dress with a patchwork skirt, a Gap jean jacket and baby Frye harness boots. (Thanks to her grammy and many aunts and friends, she has a large and stylish wardrobe!) As we sat there sipping red wine, joggers went by with their dogs. Other families were out and about, kids with scooters and balls and jump ropes. It was just the most perfect, magical evening, and yet so entirely ordinary. As we sat on the blanket and watched her and talked, we tried to remember our lives a couple of years ago, and we talked about what we would be doing if she hadn't come into our lives. Everything would be different, we agreed. We would have made different choices about things. But it's all so much better now. She is such a joy. This life with her is so amazing.

Taking the Long View

2011-05-03T15:47:00.002-04:00

When you first start trying to have kids, you think it will be quick and easy. Then, if it's not, you get so bogged down in the details that it's easy to lose sight of the big picture. Sometimes you are painfully aware of time passing, and other times, it slips by unnoticed.

These many months we've had Miss M with us, time has flown by. I've seen how fleeting her babyhood, her childhood will be. Every day feels like a gift to be treasured. It's been both easy to see the big picture, and easy to ignore it.

So, it was with a start that I dug out my charting software password, and realized that I started charting four years ago. FOUR YEARS. It seems impossible to believe (hi Manda! Can't believe I've "known" you for that long, either.). Number of cycles charted before Miss M: 19. I missed so many cycles during those years, had such long cycles. . .19.

Then there's the data: it reflects an average cycle of 33 days; average ovulation on CD21; average LP of 12 days. Then there are the outliers, the minimums and maximums of my cycles: At its shortest, I've had a 24 day cycle; max cycle was 41 days. My absolute earliest ovulation date was on CD14, and my latest was on CD28. At its worst, when I was dealing with super short LP, my LP lasted just 8 days; then there was that max of 17 (a brief flirtation with chemical pregnancy). Somehow, raw data makes me feel like I'm in control.

As if.

My Personal Olympics

2011-05-02T11:33:00.006-04:00

All of a sudden, summer is here. It's warm, it's sunny, and every time I step out my door into the sunshine, I am greeted by the sweet perfume of armfuls of tea roses. I had no idea there were so many rosebushes in our yard (we moved in during the fall). It is glorious.

And with summer came my period.

I had wondered what it would be like. Between being pregnant and breast feeding, I haven't had it in more than two years. TWO YEARS! Crazy. I knew it was coming, from how I've been feeling of late. And you know what? It was exactly like it used to be, really--not heavier, not worse, nothing different. I got it on Thursday night, and it was gone by Saturday night. I had been afraid that it would be big and long and awful, but it wasn't. It just seems so weird to be having it again.

So, Friday is Day 1 of this cycle.

T is beside himself excited, because he wants to get going on #2. He is really, really excited to have a second child. I am. . .excited for a second child, not necessarily looking forward to being pregnant again. It's stupid and selfish, I know, but it has been really nice having my body back to myself. I can have as much coffee as I want, and eat sushi when I feel like it without worrying about mercury and other contents, skip lunch if I feel like it, stay up late, drink mojitos. . .all things I DON'T do when pregnant or nursing. I know I put too much pressure on myself to be behaviorally perfect when I am pregnant/nursing, but I am neurotic, and I need to know that I've done everything I can to have a healthy baby. THAT, in turn, has led to what I'm going to call my maternity fatigue. I'm totally into being a mother. I'm totally into having a family. It's fun to fantasize what it will be like to be blessed with a sibling for Miss M. But. But. Pregnancy feels like a lot of work right now. The last year feels like a lot of work. And I really, really like where we are with Miss M right now, who is learning all sorts of new words, obsessed with animals, and just so aware and chipper and fun. It is a BLAST.

But with each tick of the clock, I inch closer to 39. The statistics are scary. Time is not on my side if I want a second child. So, in we wade.

I'm excited about trying again, actually. I pulled out my old fertility monitor today. It's got some weird purple goop on the bottom, and the batteries are dead. I've got a box of expired test sticks (January 2010!), too. I figure this will be my "test" cycle, to remember how this stuff works, get a feel for my cycle, kick the tires, etc. Oh yeah, and get a pap smear and check out a new OB. I'm in a new city, and healthcare here is as yet untested. I know a few women who have had babies in recent months, but not well enough to quiz about their prenatal care. At least, not if I don't want my office knowing that I'm thinking of trying. Which, I don't. I have a list of doctors that are "recommended" though, and I'm going to start to sort through them today. Really, only one practice has all women, and unless the internet tells me they have four heads, I will see them. I need to ask their opinion on Clo.mid (we used it the cycle we got pregnant with Miss M, as well as the one before that that resulted in a (very early) m/c. And also about progesterone suppositories, which we also used with Miss M.

I'm going to venture out now in search of new batteries for my monitor, and maybe a BBT thermometer. Maybe some Preseed if I am feeling really peppy. Because nothing says "all in" like a pile of equipment on the nightstand. Oh, and I should dust off my charting software. . .let the control freak games begin!

If You Think Infertility Is Not a Common Disease, You Really Haven't Been Paying Attention

2011-04-29T03:38:00.004-04:00

I've held off posting for Infertility Awareness Week, as I mulled over the various infertility myths which need busting and awaited my period. Thoughts on which myth to choose swirled together with questions about whether this time will be different: Will I have a "normal" cycle? Will we face more miscarriages? Will it take us a long time? Will there be problems?

You see, we had some trouble trying to have our first baby. A couple of years and miscarriages later, our gorgeous, brilliant, amazing daughter was born, and filled a giant hole in our hearts. But our family doesn't feel complete, and we'd like another child. We're two years older now, and have no idea what to expect this time around. Because, infertility isn't something that happens once in a blue moon. It's not something that happens to bad people. It's not something that happens to fat people. It's not something that happens because of something you eat, or don't. It's not something that happens to old people. It's not something that happens to white people. It's not something that happens to poor people. It's not something that happens to women. It's something, quite simply, that happens to all people, of every gender, every race, every religion, every country, every socioeconomic group. It's something that happens to people just like me. It's something that happens to people just like YOU.

In fact, there is no question but that you know someone who is suffering from infertility, even if you are not yourself. One in six couples will struggle with it. Think of how many people you know with children. Think of how many you know that don't. Now, reconsider everything you think you know about how their children came to be, or why it is they don't have children. It is one of the world's biggest secrets, and millions suffer in silence.

Infertility is technically defined as the inability to get pregnant. Quite simply, the woman or the man has something physical that isn't working--could be ovaries, or tubes, or male or female hormone levels, or testicles, or many, many other things. There are myriad things that can go wrong, and it can be sometimes difficult or even impossible to pinpoint the problem.

If you have a malfunctioning heart, or lungs, or kidneys, or liver, no one questions that you have diseased organs. Such problems can be life-threatening, and of course they are treated as serious infirmities. You are taken seriously. You are given treatment. Perhaps most importantly, you are given acknowledgement and societal affirmation that you have a medical problem, and you are supported. Sadly, that doesn't happen to couples who are suffering from infertility. They are invisible, unsupported, mute.

Infertility is about sexual health, and we still have Puritanical attitudes about all things related to sexual health. But it's time to break the silence. It's time to shed the shame. It's time, quite simply, to bring infertility out of the shadows. It's time to support millions of men and women around the world, because infertility is no different from any other disease. It's about body parts not functioning. It's about a sexual organ disease. It's time it was not a shameful secret, but rather a rightfully acknowledged and supported, very common medical problem.

I don't know what is in store for me in terms of family building, but I hope that what is in store for men and women everywhere is transparency, acknowledgement, acceptance and support. In the end, that is what makes the tough bits bearable. Because while this isn't a disease that will kill you, it is certainly one which can steal your soul.

Looking for more information about infertility? Look here: http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

For more information about National Infertility Awareness Month, look here: http://www.resolve.org/takecharge .

Even More Little Pieces

2011-04-20T18:47:00.002-04:00

Argh. . .

I am still in a lot of abdominal pain. I am hoping it is the ovaries chugging back into action after many, many months of sitting in rusty silence, and not an ovarian cyst. Because, I leave tomorrow, and that would really, really suck.
Miss M has been jibber jabbering away pretty endlessly for most of the last week. I have no idea what she is saying most of the time.
Okay, I've figured out what time I'm leaving and returning, and where I'm staying. I have three things on my list of things I want to do. I'm sure there is more than that, but I haven't had a chance to actually plan the weekend. Hence, there will be lots of sitting and relaxing. Which I am no good at. It makes me feel like I'm wasting time.
I have two Easter dresses for Miss M, both gifts. I plan to take her somewhere nice on Easter and take pictures of her in both dresses, then send both people pictures saying that she wore their dress on Easter. As long as they don't trade photos, they will both feel special. (I'm sure I will get caught.)
Did I mention that my bloodwork for that one little lab test cost more than $100, and Miss M's specialist appointment was almost $400? Yikes. My insurance will reimburse for some of it (maybe all of it, if I'm lucky), but we have to pay up front then get reimbursed, which is lousy, and who knows how long it will take to get the check. . .which was also complicated by the fact that the insurance company fax machine was apparently conveniently switched off the first time I tried to send in the receipts.
I haven't packed, and it's late, and I have to be at work early in the morning. This is going to be one of those nights where I only get a few hours of sleep. Joy. (I know, I shouldn't be blogging!)
We rented an apartment for the weekend through an agency, which seemed like a good idea at the time. We did it once before, for one of our favorite vacations ever (went back twice). But that was before we had Miss M. I'm now questioning my judgement on that. It feels a little sketchy, and I'm much more careful now that we have her.

Okay, off to bed, and up early to pack. Happy Easter for those that celebrate, and happy weekend for those that don't.

More Bits and Pieces

2011-04-19T17:14:00.002-04:00

Last night, I did something for myself: I bought a last minute ticket to a play, and I went by myself. Since Miss M. was born, I rarely do things on my own. I would so much rather spend time with her and T. But there are some things I simply can't do with her, and theater is one of them. I love theater, so it was great to catch a show.
I am currently in an enormous amount of abdominal pain. I have no idea why.
The first time I was pregnant, my rubella test came back fine. Then with Miss M's pregnancy, it came back showing my immunity was not full (great to learn when you can't do anything about it). I had read that increased blood volume during pregnancy can cause a false result, so I declined the booster after I delivered Miss M, fully intending to get a titre. And then I got the new job, moved (twice), and life basically got in the way of worries like my rubella immunity. But I remembered it last week, and got a script for the necessary blood test while we were taking Miss M to her doctor (a GP). The test results came back perfectly fine, so I'm in the clear.
We're going away for a long weekend. I have no idea where our passports are, what time we leave, what time we arrive, the location of the place where we are staying, or the things that we will do this weekend while we are there. I may need to get my act together.
And now, it's off to bed for me. I'm exhausted.

Miss M at 15 Months

2011-04-17T04:50:00.003-04:00

Dear Miss M,

With every passing month, you grow and change in ways we could not have imagined. We are constantly delighted by you. You are constantly engaged in the world around you, and learn something new every day.

You eat a wide array of foods. You've been feeding yourself finger food for a while. Cheese is still one of your favorites--the stronger the flavor the better. You like Cheerios, too. Slices of apples are good, and you like omelets with cheese, but not plain fried eggs. You really like chicken, as well. You don't like bananas (too slimy) if we cut them up, but you'll eat them pureed. You go mad for bread, and like more complex flavors like garlic bread and olive bread (fresh bread with garlic or olives baked in). You really like all fruits and vegetables, and we feed you copious amounts of them. Dairy is really your favorite thing--your beloved cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese, milk. It's all tops in your book, except for ice cream, which is just too cold for you! You are also a big fan of these freeze-dried fruit and yogurt puffs that grammy sends us from the U.S., and you scream if we stop giving them to you before you are ready to be done with them. We went for pizza the other day, and we ordered you a pizza of your very own off the children's menu. At first, I cut off little pieces for you, but you really wanted a whole slice, so I let you have one. It was the perfect size for you, and you delighted in chomping bites off with your front teeth, eating the cheese off the top, then licking the sauce off. You were a mess by the end of the meal, but you enjoyed it.

You have six teeth now--four on top and two on the bottom. You have a cute little Lauren Hutton gap between your front teeth. Occasionally, you chomp on us, and we have to reprimand you. I don't think you yet understand that teeth hurt.

You have a handful of words now--mama, dada, yes, no, up, book, hi (or even better, "hiya!"), and go. The "go" is one of my favorites. You slide out of bed in the morning and run to the (shut) bedroom door, and pound on it while saying "go, go, go!" Our morning ritual is that we get mommy a cup of coffee and you a yogurt and some milk, and then you eat your yogurt while we watch cartoons together.

You are very, very busy. From the time you wake up in the morning until the time you fall asleep, you are literally running around and into everything. You don't stop for one second. Your grandfather and nana were just here to visit, and the weather has warmed up enough to play outside, and you spent a lot of time in our little backyard while they were here. Nana was afraid you were going to fall on the stairs, which are cement and an odd height. Of course, you are like a moth to a flame with them, and anything else that is dangerous or undesirable from our point of view. You so love to be out there that you will now take us by the hand when we are upstairs, and lead us downstairs and over to the door so that we take you outside. It is very cute. You also try to go out there even when it is dark. You have NO fear of the dark! And speaking of nana, she spoiled you rotten when she was here, and we had to do a bit of deprogramming after she left. You no longer wanted to walk up and down the stairs, for example, because she carried you everywhere. After she left, when we declined to carry you, you would stand at the top of the stairs and cry. After a few days of this, though, you finally gave up and started going up and down again on your own.

Now that it is warm, we also spend a lot of time at the many playgrounds that are dotted around the city. You love to run around at the playground. You are absolutely smitten with other children. You approach them with absolute glee and wonder, waving and telling them hello. You sometimes try to touch them, which freaks some of them out. You love to play in the sandboxes, ride the swings, and climb on things. We have to be careful, though, because you are also fearless, and will jump off things that are much too high for you to be jumping off. You also keep trying to climb UP the slide after you go down it. You seem to be having a tough time grasping that it goes in one direction only!

You love to be out and around in our city. Because strollers are a bit tough to use here (European cities are not handicapped accessible, and therefore not stroller accessible, either!), we've been taking you out and about in a hard frame backpack that we have for you. You love it. You have a great view of the world from back there, and we frequently turn around to discover that you are waving hello and grinning for every passing person. You are just such a glowing, happy child. People constantly comment on how full of joy you are. It is so wonderful.

At your 15 month checkup last week, the nurse practictioner was impressed with how strong you are, how busy, how developed. She said, as we are so accustomed to hearing at these visits, that you are at the top of the charts developmentally. It was difficult to contain you long enough to have a conversation with her about you! You settled right down for her to examine you, though, politely considering her stethoscope as though you knew it was the right thing to do. She was surprised to see you sit still! You are a peanut on their growth charts, though. You've barely grown in the last 3 months, although you've gained maybe a pound. The nurse said that she thinks you are about to shoot up again. We hope so. I worry constantly about whether you are getting the right nutrition, about whether you are growing okay. I suspect that you are simply going to be petite, but we do work hard to make sure you are eating well.

The nurse practictioner was not concerned about your size, though. She was far more interested in chastising us for allowing you to sleep in our bed, and for using a bottle still. You slept in your crib for a seven hour stretch this month, and we've tried the sippy cup. . .it's just that you prefer the bottle, and I'm more concerned about actually getting the milk into you than I am with what you are drinking it out of. On the sleep. . .we have had a string of bad nights lately, where you wake up sobbing inconsolably, and it's difficult to wake you. You also had one night where you were inexplicably just wide awake and wanting to play in the middle of the night. So, you are in our bed still, because it mostly works. We are going to work on having you sleep in your crib more, though. We'll get there. And we are working on the cup, as you are finally more interested in drinking out of a real cup. You still have little interest in the sippy, though.

We have a little rocking chair that was mine when I was a little girl, and we have brought it out for you to use. You love sitting in it, and it is so adorable to see my little girl in my chair. Sometimes you try to stand in it, and we have to tell you not to do that! Your grandpa got a kick out of seeing you do that, and pointed out that I used to do just that same thing. You also like to upend the chair and try to stand on it.

Speaking of standing on things, this week you emptied your toy box, pushed it over to the couch, and used it as a step to climb up onto the couch. You then tried to go over the back of the couch (which is kind of high!) to the bookshelves behind it. Daddy says "no more toybox" now!

This week at your doctor's visit, the nurse practictioner wanted to know if we had you using crayons, and she seemed horrified when we said we did not. I said that I thought you'd try to eat them. She said I needed to watch you (really?!). So, I bought you some washable giant Crayola crayons yesterday. You were not interested in coloring in the least. But, you wanted to eat them. How well I know you! I think we are going to get you some sidewalk chalk, though. I think you'll find that more interesting, because it takes less pressure to color. You just don't have the hang of crayon coloring yet.

You help us dress you now, by holding up your feet when we put your socks on, or by putting your arms up over your head when we put on or take off your shirt. We have loads of wonderful clothes for you right now. Dressing you has become quite fun, given all of the cute little choices we have. Grammy loves to shop, and sends you loads of terrific things. Hopefully, you will not look back at the pictures in 20 years and make fun of how old-fashioned the clothes are, as I do with my baby pictures from the '70's! She also just sent you some wonderful Easter presents--movies of Minnie and Mickey, stuffed Minnie and Mickey dolls that are almost as big as you, a Minnie towel, and Minnie cup and plate. You ADORE Minnie and Mickey, and squealed with delight when you got the stuffed dolls. If anyone had told me that such a young child would be so attracted to a particular figure, I would have never believed it. But it's true: you developed at thing for the Mouse on your first birthday, and it has been that way ever since.

We are looking forward to seeing you grow and change over the next month. We have big plans to do some European travel this month, and it will be fun to see how it all works out. I have no doubt, though, that you will experience it all with great joy and enthusiasm, as you approach everything else in life.

Nuclear Nightmare

2011-04-16T07:03:00.005-04:00

I've always been opposed to nuclear power, not only because of what happens when a reactor fails (always a possibility, however remote you want to convince yourself it is), but also because of the issue of spent fuel and what we do with it. The crisis in Japan has only solidified my feelings on this. As much as we need new energy solutions in America, it's important to acknowledge the dangers of nuclear power. It's just not worth it. (Sorry, President Obama.)

This photo essay on the lingering aftereffects of the Chernobyl disaster brings that home. I believe the photos are from the late 1990's. It focuses on the children of Chernobyl, and what happened to them. Those who were in utero or newborn at the time of the disaster were particularly hard hit. It's painful to watch, but I think it's important that we bear witness and that we not look away. It's important that we not forget.

Well Baby Visit, Thoughts on Babies, My Neuroses and More

2011-04-14T17:29:00.005-04:00

Miss M had her 15 month appointment today. She hasn't really grown in the last three months, which we knew (freaks me out, though). She is gaining weight on the same trajectory as she's been on for the last 4 months or so (we've been going in once a month for a weight check). She also got her pc vaccine today. She cried bitterly for a few minutes, which was the first time in a long time a shot has made her cry. And then, it was loads of happiness over all the trucks in the waiting room. At least the sadness doesn't last long!

While I was there, I also asked about my rubella immunity. When I had my first pregnancy (which ended in my first m/c), my rubella immunity was fine, but when I later was pregnant with Miss M, it was wonky. I declined to have the vaccine while in the hospital, and meant to have it rechecked a while back. But then I got the job and moved, and it kind of got lost in the chaos. Now that we are thinking about #2, I want to be sure that's squared away. I also got a list of recommended OB's in my current area. Not surprisingly, almost all of them are male, or practice with men. That's one area I just can't cave on. Male OB's freak me out. I just can't have one. It's not a modesty thing, but rather an issue of not wanting someone to treat me who doesn't have those kind of parts. I've had a few bad experiences in the stirrups with male doctors, and now I have a rule that you have to know what a speculum feels like in order to use one on me.

I can tell that I'm finally heading in the direction of a normal cycle. I would guess AF will be here in a week or so. I think I might actually be ovulating right now. Which is probably far too much information for YOU, but this will serve as a note for me when I wonder three weeks from now how long my LP was.

I am still mulling over the timing of #2. A lot of people (including my boss!) have asked me about it lately. Two-ish years would be a really perfect amount of time between kids. I remember talking to my old OB after my miscarriage, and about whether we could/should wait another year after that to start trying to have a family, and about the fact that we wanted more than one. Her advice was basically that a) we knew that I COULD get pregnant, so that was a positive, and while there are no guarantees, b) I could have one at 37 and one at 39, and it would still work. It didn't sound like she really thought I should go beyond that, though. And well, we had one when I was 37.

I've been trying to figure out why I feel so stuck in place on this issue. It's because Miss M feels like such a gift. I am so focused on her. She is just such a joy. She's such a happy, amusing child, and I'm completely enjoying her. Which, on the one hand, suggests that we should have another so there twice the joy, and also so is a bit more balance there and she doesn't turn into a spoiled freaky child. But on the other hand, it's hard for me to imagine what happens with a second child. How do you make each child feel special? How do you keep each child from feeling neglected? I know, I am such a neurotic freak (I am also trying to become a closet freak so I do not impart my many neuroses on my daughter. . .)

Despite my neuroses, I'm starting to imagine what it will be like to have a baby in the house again. It's starting to feel a bit more real, a bit less theoretical. But still pretty theoretical. If I have a normal-ish cycle soon, it will probably feel a bit more possible.

By the way, I've been blogging a lot at night, when everyone is fast asleep, which is also when I'm deliriously exhausted. . .which is a long way of saying that I know I'm rambling and not being clear in some of my posts. Which brings me back to my last post. I'm not so much envious of the man's money, as I am feeling a little out of sorts and mulling over the issue of what it means to belong. Work things have been bringing it on, primarily. It just seems like some people never struggle to belong--they are always on the inside. I have never been one of those people, and I doubt I ever will be. I am hard wired to be a girl from a blue collar family who has worked her butt off for everything she has. On the other hand, I suppose that from the outside, there are loads of people who probably think that I am that person who effortlessly belongs. It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose.

Bits and Pieces

2011-04-11T15:02:00.012-04:00

It was a glorious day here yesterday. The parks were full of couples lounging on blankets and kids playing ball and dogs gleefully chasing each other around. We ate lunch outside, then took Miss M to the playground. She pitched a fit when we finally made her leave, then settled down when we let her walk for a while before putting her back in the stroller. She is quite the independent little thing these days, and dearly loves running around with other kids. It's a little heartbreaking, actually, to see how much she loves to interact with other children, given that she so rarely has playmates. We must find her some little friends.

***

When we left the park, we strolled up a street that we had not been on before. As we admired the architectural details of the row of expensive brick townhouses that backed up directly to the park, an older man pulled up in what can only be described as an obscure and beat up jalopy. It was probably 40 years old or so, and had a funny two-tone paint job. Someone had applied a series of bullet hole stickers along one side of the car. The man who hopped out was late 50's or early 60's, and barefoot. He was trim and muscular and lightly tanned, with longish grey hair and a jaunty grin--self-assured and handsome. He sported a lime green sports shirt and red shorts, and air of carefully cultured quirkiness that only comes from old money. He swung a tennis racket out of the back of the car, clearly fresh from a match.

I was, for a moment, transfixed by him, and I found myself thinking of him this morning. It doesn't matter how much money I make. I will never have that self-assured air that comes from being born into privilege. I know people are people and people have problems no matter what, and I can honestly say that I don't covet enormous wealth. But I do sometimes envy that easy sense of security and belonging that so often seems to come from having been born into money.

***

Things have been relatively drama free at work since taking this new job, but the proverbial manure finally hit the fan last week over a stupid issue. It was one of those things that shouldn't have happened--a manager higher than than me on the food chain deliberately made a decision that made a low level employee feel invisible and worthless. I was drawn into the situation by the manager's decision, as well, although I had no say in it. I'm powerless to do anything about it, and the harm can't really been undone. It's negatively impacted my entire team and set a real dividing line, and it completely bums me out. There are some things for which apologies and words of support just aren't enough, and this is one of those situations. It all made me contemplate karma, and whether people who do bad things really do get what they give in the end. I want to believe that fundamental decency wins out in the universe, but some days I am not so sure.

***

And speaking of fundamental decency, or the lack thereof. . .I was looking for something on Facebook the other day, and discovered that they've changed things yet again (which drives me crazy, by the way--stop innovating, FB! I can't find anything!). I never log on to my account, so I always have to play with everything to find the parts I want (which is probably why it feels like they move everything. . .if I used it more often, I likely wouldn't even notice). Anywhooo, I was scrolling through the "notes" tab for the first time, which is apparently where you can read through a compilation of all of your "friends" notes. While doing that, I came across a really awful, horribly prejudiced anti-Muslim rant posted by one of my high school classmates. We're "friends" on FB, but I have not actually spoken to this person in more than 20 years. The post is cloaked in what purport to be educated, academic references, but it's really just awful hate speech. The writer clearly has never actually met a Muslim, let alone had Muslim friends. Let's just say it was written from the perspective of "us" versus "them."

I literally saw red. I started writing a ranting post to him in response, berating him for his ignorance. The world just doesn't need what he put out there. After typing furiously for a few minutes, though, I realized I needed to walk away, cool down, and contemplate the situation before I posted anything. Responding to hate with anger isn't likely to solve the problem. That was a few days ago, and I have not posted anything yet.

As I see it, I have three options: I can ignore it (not happening); I can unfriend him and ignore it (likely also not happening); or I can respond (and then maybe unfriend him). I feel compelled to say something, because I believe that kind of prejudice is simply unacceptable. I can't imagine that he would have posted such a rant about women, or Latinos, or African Americans. Anti-Muslim speech is intolerance, plain and simple, and he needs to know that it's not okay, just like any other "-ism" is not okay (racism, sexism, etc.). I feel like by remaining silent, I would be condoning his speech, even if he couldn't possibly know that I read what he wrote. I feel like I have an obligation to speak up, I guess. It was only by people speaking up and drawing the line that people got over (or are continuing to get over, I suppose) other forms of prejudice.

But I struggle with the content of my response. I just don't understand how people who don't actually know Muslims buy into the anti-Muslim propaganda that some non Muslim extremists are peddling. I keep wondering how he got there. We grew up in a small New England town--99% white, 99% Christian, 99% same. But most of us also grew up to respect diversity. How do people get to being so hateful? And what do I say that will make a difference to someone so misinformed? I suppose I could start a dialogue, start by asking what happened to make him so anti-Muslim, but it's pretty clear from what he wrote that 9/11 is the genesis of his personal flavor of prejudice. There are good and bad people in every race, religion, gender, neighborhood, profession, sport, hobby, etc. I'm not sure why some people can't differentiate between a crazy extremist terrorist and an ordinary person practicing an ancient religion. And not for nothing, but the citizens of Oklahoma City and Columbine and pretty much any poor, drug infested bullet ridden inner city neighborhood in America know all too well that Muslims haven't cornered the market on disaffected young men turning to violence as an outlet for the isolation and frustration they find in their hearts.

***

Thank you for your comments on my last post. I guess I forgot to mention three things that are relevant to why I feel unresolved on this issue: one, it really does feel like our family is unfinished; two, I turn 39 this summer and T turns 44 shortly after that (and given our modest troubles having Miss M, who knows what will happen this time. . .I don't feel like we have time to be dithering on this decision); and three, we are almost certainly moving to a country in the developing world once I finish my contract here. If I want to keep my job, that's where it will take us (and for now, we're working on the principle that having a job is better than not having one). The second and third factors are driving the decision more than I'd like. I continue to try to resolve my desire to family build at some point (but maybe not right now) with my aging eggs and my anticipated future professional foray into the developing world. It's a hard balance, and I know all too well that if we wait, it may simply become biologically impossible to build our family. If only it were possible to KNOW where the lines are.

***

Finally, we took Miss M to see the specialist. I might not have mentioned. . .our regular doctor (who is a GP and not a pediatrician) thinks that Miss M is just fine, but she is teeny tiny and he really wanted a second opinion on her growth. He referred us to a pediatric endocrinologist. The specialist spent a long time with us, asking a million questions and examining Miss M thoroughly. We truly have NO concerns about her, other than the fact she's so small. She was 50th percentile for height for a while, and is now at the bottom of the charts for that, too, in addition to being low in weight. She is incredibly active and doing very well developmentally. The specialist commented on how she was beyond where she should be, which is what our regular doctor says every time we see him. Anyway, given that she is exhibiting no signs of anything being amiss, but for her petite frame, the specialist thinks that she is fine. He thinks she may simply be destined to be small. However, he wants to check her again in four months to revisit the issue, as there is a small chance that she has a human growth hormone deficiency. He said that the tests are not so fabulous, and there is no down side to waiting it out at her age.

I really think she's fine. Her appetite is catching up, finally. She eats a wide array of foods, although not as much as I'd like, but we're working on it. But it did give me pause to listen to him. The numbers on her charts seemed to trouble him, although looking at them for the first time since we got here, it's clear to me they made some mistakes. One set of numbers has her not gaining weight for like 4 months, and I don't think that's accurate. But even if some of the interim measurements are wrong, there is no denying that she is small for her age. Sigh.

***

I'm sure there's more, but that's a long one, and it is late here.

Maybe You Shouldn't Contemplate the Future While Watching Supernanny

2011-04-01T17:33:00.002-04:00

I think up blog posts while I'm running around during the day, but when I snatch a few minutes for myself after Miss M is in bed, all of the words fall out of my head. So, in lieu of posting I've been sitting here sorting through what I think about TTC #2, and watching Supernanny. Which probably is not the best combination in the world. It doesn't exactly inspire family-building, at least for me. The chaos! The noise! The biting and crying, whining and throwing! The incompetency! The horror! And apparently, on this episode, the drunkeness! (Really? On Supernanny?)

Every day, we have delightful moments with Miss M. I am loving every minute I spend with her. I would love, love, love for her to have a close sibling. I see her pure joy in engaging with other children, and I would love for her to have a sibling to share life with. I think it would be soooo amazing. In theory.

When I think about the practical reality, though, I pause. I am still exhausted at the idea of being pregnant again. I am exhausted by the idea of two toddlers running around, and I only have one. But seriously, it EXHAUSTS me to think of it.

(As an aside, can I tell you how much I enjoy the Kardashians? I have no idea why. They are the kind of television I normally detest. They are just so bad that they are good.)

Where was I? Oh yes, exhausted. Miss M still wakes up a fair amount at night, sometimes in huge sobbing fits where we can't wake her and it goes on and on, and I'm the only one who can comfort her. She's still in our bed, and I wake up a fair amount due to her tossing, turning and kicking. So, physically exhausted.

I feel like we are holding life together with safety pins and spackle right now. It all works, but just barely. We have a snippet of morning together, then I run off to work, then I run home, we have dinner, we play, we go to bed, rinse, lather, repeat. Weekends we lounge and play and do cool things as a family (that part totally rocks, by the way--especially in Europe--so many adventures!). There are bumps along the way, sure (that's what the spackle is for), but it works. I worry that adding another child into the routine will make it fall apart.

And there is a mental exhaustion that comes with pregnancy and early infanthood. I think this is the biggest thing. We'd adjust to the rest, and childhood is all too fleeting. But a huge thing for me is that I'm not there right now in that pregnancy and early infanthood phase, toughing out the sleeplessness and discomfort, and I guess I'm just not anxious to go back. I like where we are now. I'm really, really enjoying it. The idea of being enormously pregnant and trying to get myself around this city stresses me out. The idea of having a baby in a foreign country stresses me out. Labor stresses me out--and I had a really good one with Miss M! And then there's negotiating maternity leave and dealing with work and being without friends and family at a time when we'd need them most. . .eating carefully again. . .brestfeeding. . .pumping. . .and doing it all while also parenting a toddler.

It just feels overwhelming to me.

T keeps telling me that it will be fine, and we'll manage. He really wants another child (AT LEAST one more! He'd gladly have plural more.) And indeed, he's the one home with Miss M during the day, so he bears a lot of the burden.

I know it will all work out just fine. It will be a bit chaotic, but it will be fine. It just feels a bit like climbing a mountain right now. If I were able to, I'd probably happily give it another year, and then try. But I also feel like I can't do that, because the clock is ticking. I had thought back in August that we'd start trying again in April, but that's simply not happening. T thinks we should start trying in June. All of a sudden, that seems really soon. On the other hand, we are planning a romantic vacation for June (well, as romantic as can be expected with a toddler in tow), and it would be a lovely time to start trying. . .

Not that we even could starting trying right now, even if I could wrap my mind around it. I stopped nursing more than a month and a half ago (Two months ago? I've lost track.), but I still haven't had my period return. It's going to be kind of weird when it comes back. I haven't had it in literally two years. But I digress (again). . .

Well, I feel a bit better after watching Supernanny. Wow, that couple was a hot mess, and they had piles of children. If they can survive what I just watched, surely I can deal with just two? I guess I don't have to decide tonight. Soon, though. Sigh. Why wasn't I ready for kids sooner? Why couldn't I have had an easier time having #1? Why does time only march forward? Why do some choices have to feel so complicated?

Where Will I Go to Make My Soup, or, Thoughts on a Train

2011-03-24T17:04:00.003-04:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about how quickly everything can change. Tunisia, Egypt, Japan, Libya, Yemen, Bahrain. . .one minute, people were living their lives as they had been for years, and the next minute, chaos, fear, violence, uncertainty, seemingly out of nowhere.

This morning I got up with Miss M. and let T lie in bed a bit longer, as I often do. I fed her a yogurt. I made the coffee. We watched cartoons. He got them both dressed, and I kissed them goodbye as they left for a jog. I showered, got dressed, put on jewelry and makeup. I gathered my things and I put on my coat. I double checked my pockets and I left the house. I was on my way to the train station, on my way to a meeting. It was an ordinary morning in every way. For me.

In some other place, a man that I do not know also woke up this morning. Or maybe he did not. Maybe he never fell asleep last night. Maybe he sat all night and watched the clock and waited for this morning. Maybe he sat deep in thought. Maybe he didn't think at all. Did he shower today, like me? Did he pick out what he was wearing, ever so carefully? Was he, too, on his way to a meeting? I don't know.

When I left the house, I briefly considered which route to take to the train station. I'd almost taken an earlier train, then decided that this later one left me enough time to get where I was headed. But of course, I left the house a few minutes later than I should have, and now with traffic I wasn't sure that I would make my train at all. I chose a route, and ran the last bit through the station. I got on the train with 5 minutes to spare. Success.

And him, that man that I do not know, he must've set off for the train station, as well. Or perhaps he had nowhere to go today, and simply ended up there. Perhaps he drove around, trying to sort out his life, and made the decision. Maybe he was simply going about his ordinary day, too. Did he get there early? Did he choose his train? Did he contemplate his options? Did he think about the lone person, a child really, who would see him there, on the platform? Did he think about all of us, on that train that I was on? Did he simply want to be on someone's radar one last, one final time? Did he just want to matter? Did he just want someone to notice him, even for one horrible moment?

After I got on my train, I found my seat, then sorted through my work and checked my Blackberry. I glanced through my text messages. I started to read the last bits I wanted to take in before my meeting. After the train started, I didn't look out the window at the world outside. I never saw the man. Twenty minutes after I got on my train this morning, while I was lost in my reading, I felt a sudden deceleration in the train. The acrid smell of brake dust filled the air. The high speed rail took a very long time to stop after the conductor applied the brakes. We were nowhere near a platform.

The man who I did not know jumped in front of my train. He died.

As I sat stuck on the train for hours this afternoon after it happened, as they tended to him then investigated his death, I couldn't help think of the hundreds of people on that train, and how every one of them was losing a few hours of their life due this man who'd just lost his life. Then I began to wonder: what would have happened if we had all known that this was about to happen? Would each one of us, each person on that train, have given him those same hours we spent stuck on that train with him dead, to save him? If we had all banded together, I'll bet we collectively wasted 450 hours stuck on that train, waiting for investigators to arrive, sort out, fiddle about, uncouple, recouple, reroute, etc. If we had been able to get to him in life, abided with him for those same 450 hours, given him advice and warm meals and listened to his stories, counseled him and cried with him and worked to ease his suffering, could we have helped him find his way again? Could we have kept him from making that terrible decision? In death, we all gave hours to this man we did not know. Could we have given them in life? More importantly, shouldn't we have given them in life?

If you know that there is a payment that will be extracted from you, willingly or not, it would make sense to make the payment at a time when you might actually be able to do some good, right? Yet, we all know that there are so many bad things going on in the world, yet we are so busy with our work and our reading and our Blackberries that we don't often find the time to help like maybe we should. If there was a chance my fellow passengers and I could have saved the man by making him soup and counseling him, I hope we would have all done it, rather than have him die and waste our day stuck on a train that had run out of sandwiches. But, and this is critical, I think: we each COULD be making metaphorical soup for the many ills of the world, long before those ills are standing on metaphorical train platforms thinking of jumping. That's what today made me realize.

Which brings me back to Tunisia and Egypt and Japan and Libyan and Yemen and Bahrain, and really, every small corner of any community that finds itself in crisis. If every one of us just take tiny steps to interconnect as global citizens, by donating money or making a new international blog friend or dropping off groceries to the new immigrant down the street who doesn't speak English or standing up to hate when we hear it in our communities, we improve the world in a small but powerful way. Think of the power of it, if every person did. If every person on the train gives their time before the man jumps off the platform in front of the speeding train, we might be able to stop the man from even standing on the platform and contemplating jumping. I wonder how quickly we could make the world change for the better.

From My Last Read to My Current Read to My Current Worry

2011-03-21T19:24:00.003-04:00

Maybe I should add an addendum to my review of Mel's book, Life From Scratch, which glowingly notes that I was able to understand the general premise at some point during the first 50 pages. Which I only mention because during the first 50 pages of Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go, I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I picked the book up in a train station, in need of something to read, and I still haven't seen any reviews, and the back cover summary is basically silent about the plot (it talks about 3 friends who meet at boarding school, and some terrible secret), so I literally know nothing about the book. I'm now at around page 80, and I have some thoughts about what the book MIGHT be about, but still. . .it might also be about something entirely different. It's really weird. I can't say that I've ever gotten this far into a book and had so little understanding of what I was reading. I think that's in part because the usual practice is to summarize the plot on the back of the book, which this book didn't do. I must say, it's distracting me from the story. I am constantly stopping to say "what the hell is this book about," or going back to re-read earlier portions to see if my evolving working hypothesis actually works, in light of some of the clues found in earlier chapters.

I've obviously read books that have gone in different directions than anticipated, but this isn't like that. This is like. . .there is an entire subtext that I am missing. Living in Europe, there is often a subtext that I am missing, so at first I thought it was just ordinary cultural dissonance because it's set in England. Like, I thought I just didn't understand what a "carer" was, or what a "donor" was. But now I am thinking it's a bit more complicated than my usual American-in-Paris problem.

But if you know, please don't tell me, because it is such an extraordinary experience, and I want to continue to view the book through this lense until I've finished it. And then perhaps re-read it, to see what I think of it once I do know what's going on.

Even now, at the point where I have no idea what the hell is going on, there is so much sadness in the book, and I have to say, it pairs nicely with my current neuroses. I have been worrying lately, probably needlessly so, but since it generally makes me feel better to spit it out so I can move on, you might want to watch your feet. . .

Miss M has always been a petite baby. She has generally been at around the 50 percentile for height, and was 10-20 percentile for weight until she started walking at 10 months, at which point, she fell off the chart for weight. The doctor started having her come in once a month to check her weight, and she has more or less continued to gain weight on the same trajectory since falling off the chart (I mean, at the same rate)--just at a level which is off the chart. But in the last month, while she gained a pound, she didn't grow in height. Although, T. pointed out that they measure her height by drawing a pencil line above and below her while she lays on the exam table, which isn't an exact science with an active toddler. Except, I don't think she's grown. She's still in the 12 month footie jammies at 14 months, and she's got room lengthwise.

The doctor thinks she's fine. Developmentally, she is doing very well, and near the top of what one would expect for a baby her age. I have no worries there. But physically, while the doctor doesn't think there is a problem, he would like us to get a second opinion, and has referred us to someone.

I am worried. I know there is no reason to be at this point, but something is just nagging away at me. I just feel like something is off. I was fine until this last month--I thought it was all attributable to her petite size and her finite appetite. But the doctor referring us out has freaked me out. Well that, and people commenting about her tiny size constantly. I hope I am just being my usual neurotic self. I can't even fathom the thought of anything happening to her. She's such a huge part of my universe.

Quick & Dirty Book Review: Life From Scratch, by Melissa Ford

2011-03-19T14:33:00.000-04:00

Tired, sad, in need of a hug? Need a little "you" time? Go make yourself a cup of tea (or even better, pour yourself a glass of wine!), run a hot bath, and download Melissa Ford's Life From Scratch via Kindle. Lock the bathroom door, sink into your tub, and read away. (Yeah, I know--electronics weren't made for the tub. But what's a girl to do?) I promise you, it's just what you need to give yourself a little lift.

The book is perfect chick lit. The basic premise is that Rachel gets divorced, Rachel gets sad, Rachel cooks, Rachel blogs, Rachel dates, etc. In some ways it's your standard chick lit fodder. The joy is in the details with Life From Scratch, though. You like Rachel. It's fun to read about what she's doing. You actually start to care about her. The approach is great. It's a fresh, fun, fast read. And if you are like me, you end up really pissed at author Melissa Ford for ending the book where she does. Rumor has it she's writing a sequel, though, so we'll soon learn what happens to Rachel after that.

There is scant detail here, I know, but the joy of this one is in grabbing it off the shelf when you need a good, fast, light read and piggishly downing it in a sitting or two. So, what are you waiting for?

Mostly Sunny With a Chance of Showers

2011-03-18T12:50:00.002-04:00

I have had a day.

It was the job. I have a hard one here. It's not hard in the same way that my old job was hard--it's not intense intellectual lifting or grinding long days or any of the million things that made my last job hard. It's hard because people here are skeptical of me, or think ill of me for whatever reason, before I even step foot through the door. They think ill of me simply due to my affiliation with the company I represent. They don't like me, without even knowing me. That, in itself, makes this enormously tiring on some days. Sometimes I feel like I'm finished before I've even started. Don't get me wrong--some days I make fantastic connections with foreign counterparts. Usually, even when I disagree with my foreign contacts, we have great conversation, and we can agree to disagree. Today was not one of those days, though.

Today was one of those days where I constantly worried if I was offending anyone inadvertently, and when I wasn't worried about that, I was worried about the fact that the people in the meetings with me wanted nothing to do with me. I literally had two different meetings today where the best thing that I can say is that they politely tolerated me. I got frozen, polite smiles, but could mostly tell that they were just. . .so. . .skeptical. It's hard to have a conversation when the other person won't even meet you halfway, isn't open to that communication.

Thankfully, though, it is Friday! I'm kind of thinking I need a day to veg on the couch (tomorrow), and then maybe I'll zip away for a quick overnight Sunday. I've been doing a ton of traveling lately for work, but I haven't been out to play much. I think it's time! I need to shake off today's bad mojo in time for more big meetings on Monday. And I just need to laugh. We took the babe to an indoor playgym last weekend, and I just had a blast watching her explore and discover and enjoy new things. It was just soooooo much fun. There's a zoo not far from here that has parts where you can watch the penguins from under water. I think she'll get a kick out of that.

Part Two

2011-03-07T16:35:00.002-05:00

My husband has reminded me that I am also an asshat sometimes. It's good to keep things in perspective. He's right.

The visit has gone fine for the last few bits. I've tried to have a bit
more patience. So far, so good. Miss M is enjoying them, and that's all that matters.

And now, I'm off to bed-busy day tomorrow, and I'm exhausted.

A Little Rant

2011-03-06T06:49:00.002-05:00

I am currently holed up in my guest room with the baby, under the guise that I am dressing one of us. I am in my guestroom because my MIL is visiting, and my master suite is easier for her to get around, so we gave up our room. I am currently hiding here because I need to vent.

We have had many visitors since we've been here, and while not all of them have been easy, they have all been interested and appreciative. They've all been happy to be here. They've all been nice, and positive. Needless to say, that's not how I'm finding THIS visit. She explicitly informed us yesterday that she was only here to see the baby (T apparently doesn't rate a visit). She's been here for four days, but has 't bothered to take her camera out once (apparently, pictures of Miss M aren't all that important to her). I was just treated to a discussion of how Ireland (the only other European country she has visited) is more advanced than this country because there, she could use her curling iron from the US (my explanation of voltage differences with the US fell on deaf ears, as did my mention of the fact that the reason her American curling iron worked in Ireland was likely due to the fact that she stayed in hotels catering to Americans, which have hardwired to accommodate for both voltage and plug differences).

Everything is just so NEGATIVE. And the irritating thing is that she thinks she is a really positive person.

Sigh. Just a few more days...

Teeth Make Me Tired

2011-03-03T17:13:00.003-05:00

We recently had a bunch of nights in a row where Miss M actually slept through the night. It was lovely, but honestly, with all of the teething she's been through it's been so long since she slept solidly that I kept waking up, thinking something was wrong. Consequently, I got no sleep. The last two nights, however, she woke a ton. As she just hung upside down off of me, screaming, I discovered why: she's teething. . .again. A tooth has just broken through on the top. Those top ones sure are hard to spot! It must be why she's been uncomfortable. Sadly, no sign of the other one on the other side. Guess I have some more sleepless nights ahead of me!

I still don't know what happened to my friend's baby. At first I thought she found out her baby had died, but now I get the sense that the baby may have been born, but didn't survive. It's not the kind of thing you ask, and the emails I've gotten from her haven't made it clear. Either way, total suckage. She is, obviously, devastated. I am still casting about to find the right thing to do to memorialize her baby's life, but I did manage to do something productive in the meantime. This is one of the things that distance makes so hard. How do you be there for someone when you're not there? After some searching, I found a grocery store that would deliver to her neighborhood, and I ordered a pile of "kid food" for her toddler. That way, at least, they have some easy meals to feed the poor child while they try to get their legs back under them.

It all reminds me how fragile everything is. It makes me stress about being pregnant again, too. Everything went well with Miss M's pregnancy and delivery, and in some ways it feels like tempting fate to even think about getting pregnant again. Could it possibly go that well a second time? Every time I see a bad outcome, I can't help but think that it could be me.

The Worst Kind of News

2011-03-01T14:13:00.005-05:00

I got the most awful email today from an old friend. She was pregnant and very near her due date, and just learned that her baby has died. They think a virus is to blame. I am completely devastated for them. She is an amazing person, and it was rotten of the universe to do this to her family.

I would like to do something kind for her, something thoughtful. If you have any suggestions for a newly babylost mama, for newly babylost parents, please send them my way.

Closer

2011-02-27T12:06:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, we made the mistake of going to a local museum that is a draw for families. It's a big week for schools to be on vacation here, and it was a complete madhouse. As we wandered around, watching children older than Miss M scamper around the exhibits, T casually remarked to me about how he was looking forward to doing something in particular with Miss M when she is three. I can picture exactly where we were when he said this: in the mammals room at the museum, next to a large plastic whale. At that moment, something clicked into place for me in a way that it hadn't previously. That "something" is the fact that childhood is transient and fleeting.

Now I KNOW this, of course. But what I really realized is that the hard stuff about parenting a small child, the mundane stuff like bickering children. . .it passes. It passes rather quickly. Miss M is just shy of 14 months now. She'll be three before we know it. We'll be enjoying that moment that T is looking forward to. The last 14 months have FLOWN by. All of that stuff that I worry about with a second child, it's all going to go by the wayside in the blink of an eye. The things that I value, the reasons for expanding our family, those are big, worthwhile, good-for-a-lifetime reasons. When you make a pro/con list, it's important to realize that the pros and the cons are not necessarily weighted the same, and in the same way.

That seems so obvious now, but it's easy when parenting a small child to get caught up in the details and forget the big picture. I must say, I feel a bit lighter now.

Meandering Around My Head

2011-02-26T04:02:00.009-05:00

I have a whole jumble of thoughts in my head, so I'm not sure where this post is going to go, exactly. Things are good here. We have some decisions to make, but they are good ones.

Miss M is finally eating an array of foods, and is sleeping through the night. She's finally learned to fall back asleep on her own, without wanting/needing to nurse for comfort. It was a bit of a slow road to get there, but we let her lead the way, and I'm glad we did. By following her needs and cues, we got through nursing/weaning/sleeping relatively easily and without much unhappiness. As a recap, at about 5 months, just after she learned to roll over, she started waking herself up every time she rolled over, and then she would be FULLY awake and have a complete meltdown in her crib. We were up 764 times a night, and it was awful, so out of desperation, we brought her into our bed. This solved the problem. When she woke from that point forward, she nursed herself back to sleep, so even if she woke a lot, she went back to sleep very quickly. We all slept, and life was good (except for the occasional baby feet in my face as she invariably turned sideways in bed). She's been in our bed ever since. Fast forward to weaning, which we started after she turned a year old. She's always loved cow's milk, so that was never a problem. However, she nursed for comfort in the morning, at night, and when she wanted to fall back asleep. Getting her to give up "comfort nursing", as opposed to nursing for nutrition, has been more complicated. I have let her nurse as she needs to, but tried to gradually decrease it, putting the pacifier in at night rather than letting her nurse when she awoke. At first, I thought we'd never get there, but gradually, she started having fewer "no I don't want the binkie--I want to nurse!" meltdowns, and started accepting the pacifier more in the middle of the night. And then, she started not needing anything, and falling back asleep on her own. She still wants to nurse a bit to fall asleep, but that is pretty much the only time we are nursing. She is just shy of 14 months right now. The concept of "cry it out" is completely foreign in our house. We've just kind of let her fall asleep when she's ready and without much fanfare. Ditto with naps. It seems to work. The upside is that if we're out and about and she needs to sleep, she just kind of falls asleep. The kid can (and will!) sleep anywhere.

The surprising thing is that I still have a bit of milk left when she nurses. I had thought, given my struggle to maintain adequate supply the entire time I was nursing, that as soon as I dropped a bunch of feedings/pumpings, that my milk would dry up completely. The really weird thing is that my period still has not returned. I think we are getting back there, though, because I've noticed some slight hormonal changes. Which brings us to the next thought we've been mulling over. . .

What to do about #2. . .whether, when. . .the whole decision. I never wanted only one child. As a general rule, I think it's better to have siblings than be an only child. On the other hand, the idea of multiple children kind of stresses me out. It's two things: the idea of them going in two different directions at once, and the inane bickering that invariably goes on between two kids. Neither thing appeals to me, and both are clearly part of the package. I worry about feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, especially when things are working so nicely now.

T very decidedly wants another child, and he wants one now. There is no equivocation on his part. Hell, he wants more than one! The noise, the chaos--doesn't mean anything to him. But then, he came from a large family himself. He also feels (somewhat naively, I think) that two won't be much more work than one. His big thing in pushing for a second child now, rather than waiting a bit longer, is age: he's in his 40's, and he feels like we'd better get going if we want to have another.

I can't really disagree with him on this point; 40 is right around the corner for me. If we are going to have another, I also want to do it before we're done with diapers, and before Miss M gets even more independent. I think that for me, there is a certain point after which I wouldn't want to go back. I talked to someone recently who decided to have another child when her youngest was 7. I just can't imagine that! I wouldn't want to go back to diapers and all of the other less-than-fun stuff about parenting a baby. Not that any of it is really hard or truly unenjoyable, but still--the stages are miles apart, and I think I'll want to enjoy them in the moment, and not go back to some long-ago visited stage when I am miles down the road.

When I look at it objectively, in a vacuum, I can say that yes, I would like to have more than one child. That's what I've always imagined, what I always pictured. Except. . .except. I LIKE the way things are now. I like having just one child. I like that we can focus on her. I like that it's just the three of us. I like that she is this amazingly flexible, fun kid who is happy and always up for anything. I love how portable she is. I like how life works now. Life works now! Adding a second child brings the great unknown. A second baby may bring utter chaos. A second temperment may change our family entirely, and I worry about whether it will be in a positive way. I worry about whether I will feel exhausted, whether we will be able to manage. I know that it works now, but with another? I don't know how it will be. I worry I won't have the energy and enthusiasm to meet the needs to two children. But still. . .I still imagine another. It still feels like someone isn't here yet. I feel like there is a spirit baby circling our family, patiently waiting for her time to come and settle in with us.

In an ideal world, I would wait a bit longer. In an ideal world, I think I would very easily and very naturally get to a point where I would be clamoring for #2. I can tell that in a perfect world, more time is probably what I need. The idea of pregnancy again is a bit off-putting to me at this point. I was so careful about what I ate and drank. I took such good care of myself while pregnant, while nursing. It was, frankly, a lot of work, and I'm kind of enjoying having my body back to myself. I'm not quite ready to give it over yet. In a perfect world, I would probably wait to try to have another until Miss M is two. . .or maybe even three. But I worry that I don't have the luxury of time. First, there is my age. Second, there is my history. Third, there is the fact that we are going to be moving again next summer (not sure where yet, but I know that we are). The move complicates the hows and wheres of having a baby. It would be in some ways ideal to have a baby before we move, because I think from a sheerly logistical perspective, we could make that work.

Indulge me while I play out a few scenarios, as I try to work a few things out in my head. . .if we started trying for number two, we could try between April and July (March is out, because I want to have at least one normal cycle before we start trying, and that hasn't happened yet). That would give me enough time to have the baby, have a maternity leave, and go back to work for a bit before the move. (Utterly setting aside how my office will feel about the baby--I can't consider that at all this time. I just can't.). That's not a very big window. We'd have to stop trying in July, because I can't be about to deliver at the time we have the move, because we HAVE TO leave the country at that point. Non-negotiable. And since airlines won't let you fly past a certain point, we'd have to stop trying for a bit to account for that. But I suppose we could start trying again after we get past the point. There are lots of things to take into account from there, in terms of timing, and in thinking about them. . .it gets complicated. Among the complications is the fact that we may be moving from here (nice European country with nice Western medicine) to a place where I would neither want to give birth, nor would I want to have a tiny infant. Complicated. But I guess I could just cross that bridge if we needed to. . .

So, yeah. It's complicated. Or maybe more accurately, I'M feeling complicated. April seems really soon. But that damn clock keeps on tick, tick, ticking. . .

Miss M at 13 Months

2011-02-12T06:12:00.003-05:00

The house is blissfully silent. Miss M is sleeping in daddy's arms, and I am running a bath, so I thought I would work in a quick post while the tub fills (we have the slowest tub faucet EVER!).

Miss M is running around and into everything. She can climb stairs. She has no fear, and wants to go down them facing forward like a big girl. Unfortunately, she is a peanut, and not nearly big enough to walk down stairs. She is like a moth to a flame with anything that appears in her little world that is new or appears forbidden--paper, television remotes, cell phones, the telephone, the cord to the electric mixer when it appeared in the kitchen one day. She succeeded in pulling the mixer on her head before we realized our error, but I think it largely missed her, and she mostly got a face full of whipped cream from the beaters and a tremendous scare. We do try to keep everything out of reach, but invariably, we err at times!

She has become a bit of a parrot, and will mimic you if you say words to her. "Are you done, done, done?" at dinnertime results in "da, da, da!" She has mastered mama, dada, and no. Everything else is still a bit of a crap shoot. She points for things she wants, like her bottle. When I asked her where daddy was the other day, she pointed at him. She'll hand you things when you ask her for them. If she wants to, of course. She also might run in the other direction and hide them.

We've been having a blast with her. We continue to have many visitors coming in and out, and everyone marvels over how good she is when we are out and about. She loves to be on the go, and rarely fusses about being out. The only challenge is that she no longer likes to sit still in restaurants--she wants to be down and walking around. It's curtailed our dinner adventures, but that's about it. Museums, bus rides, long walks through the park--she's an angel for all of it. She just loves people.

We went to the playground the other day, and she spotted a tiny pink doll stroller that was pint-sized. She toddled right over and ran away with it! The stroller's owner was none too thrilled to share, but her mother encouraged us to play with it. I'm guessing they are having a bit of a hard time with the concept of "sharing." It was hilarious to watch Miss M chase after the older child, as she tried to push the stroller and escape Miss M. We finally decided we'd better leave before both kids ended up miserable. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the best. Plus, it was cold out, and Miss M never wants to stop playing. She's is that kid with the blue lips, who insists she is warm and doesn't need to get out of the pool.

Miss M's friend R visited again with her mom. R had developed a ton since we'd last seen her--she's learned to crawl, clap, etc. It was a blast to see them play together. Miss M toddled over to R, hugged her and gave her kisses. So priceless! I missed it, but T said that R has also learned to pinch, and pinched Miss M's cheek hard. . .which didn't phase Miss M a bit. She has a crazy pain threshold, and is so determined that a little pain doesn't get in the way of whatever she wants to do.

This month, the riding zebra toy that Auntie C gave Miss M has been a bigger hit. I think it's because she's had a bit of a growth spurt, and she can now reach the floor while sitting on it. She thinks it's a blast. She carries around her Dressy Bessy doll or her Minnie Mouse stuffed animal like they are babies, hugging and kissing them. I get such a kick out of that. She kisses us, too, and gives big hugs. It's just the best. My sheer perfection moments are when she comes to me so that I pick her up, and then lays her head on my shoulder. Nirvana! Last night she held Dressy Bessy up to my mom on the Skype so that my mom could kiss Dressy Bessy. Cracked me up!

The other thing that has been cracking me up lately is that she talks on the telephone. Or imagines she is, anyway. She's started holding her play telephones to her ear, or my cell phone if she manages to get her hands on it. Occasionally, she'll hold other items to her ear as though they are telephones, and pretend to talk. We don't actually talk on the phone that much--via Skype more often than anything--so it is amazing to me to see her do this.

We are weaned. She is fully on whole cow's milk now, and likes it just fine. We've had no issues with her drinking the cow's milk, but she hasn't wanted to wean at all. Evening, morning, and middle of the night, when she wants comforting, she wants to nurse. I have a bit of milk left occasionally, but we really need to stop this. I think we are just going to have to tough it out cold turkey. She sobs, and it escalates terribly in the middle of the night if I don't let her nurse. It was getting better, and I thought we were just about done, until her top teeth started really giving her trouble last week, and all of a sudden we are all about the nursing again. Her teeth are mostly in now (two top and two bottom), but she is still drooling a ton and tugging at her ears, so I know that they are still bothering her. Med's help a bit, but don't resolve the problem entirely.

It has been lovely to give up pumping. It's so nice to have that time back, especially in the morning. I actually get to work on time every day now--no running behind because I need to pump for a bit longer, or because I fed her for longer than I had planned on. I was very sad to stop nursing, but relieved when I saw that it hasn't changed our relationship at all. I am still her favorite mummy.

As far as eating goes. . .she's just a poor eater. While R was here, we fed the girls together, and R (a healthy sized girl) ate for about twice as long as Miss M. She gets quite angry when she's finished, if you try to leave her in her high chair, so I let her down and she ran around R's feet as R continued to eat. Miss M is a big fan of Cheerios, chicken and cheese. She's become quite the independent eater, and really only wants to feed herself. She doesn't want to be fed with a spoon lately, and doesn't want to use one herself. Our solution has been that she likes some fruit and veggie purees that come in tubes (baby food brands like Plum and Ella's Kitchen), and she'll let us squirt those in her mouth. She pretty much likes all of them, so we are able to get a variety of fruit and veggies into her. As far as other baby food in jars, though, it's been a complete bust. She refuses to eat any of it. She does like macaroni and cheese, however, when I make it from scratch. So, we get as much cheese, chicken, Cherrios, and fruit and veg into her as we can, and try not to worry about it. Oh, and yogurt. The kid loves yogurt. We do a weight recheck with the doctor in a couple of weeks, but I already know what the result is going to be. She's clearly growing UP again, rather than out, and I know she's still going to be off the chart. Hopefully she won't have fallen at all.

And now, my tub is full. It's still quiet, and I'm off to relax and read a trashy magazine while I can!

Miss M at 1 Year & The Grand Birthday Celebration

2011-01-23T11:57:00.003-05:00

It is almost impossible for me to believe that it has been an entire year. It seems like it was just yesterday that we were in the delivery room. . .maybe we brought you home this morning. But no, you are a whole year old. A whole year!

We celebrated your birthday in high style, by taking you to Paris for a long weekend. You've long been walking inside the house, but because the weather has been a bit off where we are living, you had not really spent time walking outside. Daddy wore you around Paris in your Ba.by Bj.orn for most of our trip, which you love. You are perfectly content seeing the world from almost-eye-level, and you love to engage people from your perch. You wave and smile at almost everyone you meet. You were a big hit with Asian tourists in Paris, who wanted to photograph you at every turn. Daddy set you down in the Jardin des Tuilieries so that you could walk a bit, your first time really stretching your legs outside. We were right near a fountain filled with birds, and you made a run for it. Unfortunately, you aren't quite as stable on your feet when you run, and after a short bit, you fell. That's when you discovered that unlike carpet, gravel hurts when you fall on it. You pitched a fit unlike anything we had heard before. But of course, you are so good-natured that you got over it shortly after we picked the gravel out of your palms.

We walked 8 miles each of the first three days in Paris, and 5 miles the fourth day, and you were a joy for every bit of it. You and Daddy snacked outside of Notre Dame while Auntie R and I toured it, you smiled alongside the Seine as the sun peeked through the clouds, you soaked up the magic of the Eiffel Tower by day and by night, you snoozed your way through the grand Orsay museum, you chowed down on fancy French cheese that cost us 7$ for a slice, while we ate a leisurely Parisian meal and sipped red wine. . .you were just so easy to travel with. You charmed the most cynical Parisians on the trains. And, you fell in love with Minnie at Disneyland Paris. We had a magnificent trip. As we walked through the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse, magically lit after dark, we were the only ones there. It was the day of your birthday, and I was carrying you then. You fell asleep on my chest. As I paused near the top of the tree, surrounded by lights and looking out through the dark at the lit fairytale castle, it was a magical, perfect moment for me. One year earlier, I was working to bring you into the world. And there I was, a year later, having a moment with you that I could not have dared dreamed would exist. I love you. You mean the world to me. You have brought me more happiness than I ever imagined possible. I hope you had a happy first birthday. I had the best first birthday with you that could possibly be.

Our first ride on your birthday, your first Disney ride ever, was on the fancy merry-go-round. You were in the carrier with your father, and he and Auntie R and I were on these giant old-fashioned horses that bobbed up and down. I have wonderful pictures of you. We have some perfect photos of you and I and Auntie R on the Dumbo ride, too--Daddy took them, and did a marvelous job. You loved the ride. You loved rides in the dark significantly less so--you screamed when we took you on the Haunted House ride, which we realized two minutes too late was our worst parenting decision to date. You also hated the Pinnochio ride (also dark). Lesson learned.

One of your most notable features at 12 months is how flexible you are. You are happy to meet new people, you can sleep anywhere at all, and you're happy to eat now, or to maybe wait until later. As long as your favorite people (mommy and daddy) are by your side, you are good to go. People are always commenting on what a happy, smiling, outgoing baby you are, and it's so very true. You just love to engage people.

For Christmas, you got a sleigh-load of presents, and our living room now resembles a plastic jungle. You delight in playing with all of it. Dressy Bessy is a current favorite, but you play with everything you have. You are walking and running around. You say a few words, your most favorite being no. You point at things that you want. You clap. You wave at everyone. You dance when you hear music, and you wave at cartoons on the television who are waving at you. You have started to figure out that if you pile things, you can climb. You try to go places that we don't want you to go, simply because we don't want you to go there. You are persistent, and remember that things are certain places, even when we try to distract you. You still have only two teeth on the bottom, although three more appear to be coming through on the top.

You are a picky eater, though. We discovered a few weeks back that you LOVE cheese, and it remains the only food that you will eat yourself at any length. You shovel it in. You're pretty good about eating yogurt and cottage cheese, too. You like apples and pears, still, and we get plenty of fruit mixes into you (including those that are mixed with things like pumpkin and sweet potatoes, so you get a bit of variety). You aren't a big fan of chicken or beef. We made it a whole year nursing (yay for mommy on that one!), and we are in the process of weaning. You like whole milk just fine--no problems there. However, you are not so keen to give up nursing at night, even when there is little or no milk there. The problem is that you don't want to fall asleep without the milk. Tonight we are going to try to have a bottle of warmish water on hand, to see if that helps you when you wake up in the middle of the night.

You are still sleeping in our bed, although you've had a few naps in your crib this week. The one night I put you to bed in your crib, you woke up and freaked out because you were by yourself. I didn't have the heart to make you sleep alone. You were sobbing. We'll get there, but I'm not going to make it awful for either one of us. I have faith that you won't be a teenager and still sleeping with me. You roll around a lot at night, and frequently end up sideways, so I am looking forward to the day when you sleep in your own space, I must confess. Although, at least I generally get your head near me. It's your daddy who spends a lot of time getting kicked in the face!

You have taken to growling at us, and other people, to try to get a laugh. You'll dance to make us laugh. You love an audience. You are a big ham sandwich. I love that about you. I love to watch you laugh and giggle.

Your friend R lives far from us right now, but she and her mom came to visit this week. It was the first time you've played with another child your age. R is two months or so younger than you, but she weighs more than you, and she is just starting to crawl. It was a delight to watch the two of you together. You would go over and give her hugs, which was so cute. (You've started giving us kisses, too, spontaneously, which we can't get enough of). Twice as you sucked on your binky, you saw her eyeing it, and you offered it up to her, right out of your own mouth. Yuck! We stopped you from doing that! You shared toys beautifully. The two of you really seemed to get along well. As we fed you in two separate high chairs, you yelled across the kitchen at each other. It was priceless.

We had your 12 month doctor's visit, too. You are in the 50% percentile for height at about 28 inches, but weighed in at about 16 pounds, which means you fell off the chart for weight. The doctor wants to see you in six weeks to check you again, but isn't overly concerned at this point. He said babies grow in fits and starts, and I am thin, so he thinks it's probably no big deal. You really aren't a great eater, and we told him how you eat until you decide you are done, and then yell at us if we try to feed you more. When you are done, you are DONE. Hopefully, now that we know of your love of cheese, by supplementing your meals with it, we'll put a little weight on you this month! You are at the top of the charts developmentally; the doctor told us to start saving for Harvard. You also had your MMR shot this month. For all of the fretting I did over it, you weathered it beautifully, with no apparent side effects at all. You've actually had other shots in the past that caused you more trouble than this one did, thank goodness. I haven't heard you speak as much this week, but hopefully that's got nothing to do with the shot.

You have received many beautiful birthday gifts, including a special personalized fairy book from your grandpa and C. It has your full name in it, and I"m sure it will be one of your favorites soon. Mommy and daddy bought you books, as well, and daddy got you a pair of shoes that look just like his--too funny!

We love you enormously, and can't wait to watch you grow over the next twelve months and beyond.

Love,

Mom

The Post I'm Not Writing

2011-01-15T19:18:00.002-05:00

I have a pile of posts to write: Miss M at 12 months, Miss M's fantastic birthday adventure, all about weaning, my roundup post on breastfeeding for a full year. . .but that's not where I'm going tonight. Oh no. I have a friend in town, and we've been out on the town--my first night out and about in eons. More than eons. What is more than an eon? I have no idea, but I haven't been out in that long, and now I have been and. . .I probably shouldn't be posting, because there were drinks involved.

It's so good to get our with an old friend who's known you for forever. Tonight, we were talking about how much our lives have changed over the last two years. She was there with me through the toughest professional bits two years ago, through my pregnancy and struggles before that, and the great happiness since then. She totally gets both how precious Miss M. is to me, and why I also needed to go to a crazy expensive dinner and out for drinks without Miss M. She totally gets how you need to be a great mom while also carving out selfish time.

So what did we do? She is visiting from the US, so we went out for a crazy expensive dinner. It was amazing space--dark and cozy and well lit and fabulous all at the same time. It was insanely expensive. It was good. I had tender duck that you could cut with a fork, and a fab chocolate souffle. It was so good to get out. It was especially good to get out with someone I've known for a long time, who's seen me through thick and thin. You know? Someone who gets the nuance of history. Someone who has been through the fire with me.

It was amazing to talk to her, too. It's hard to REALLY catch up when you are thousands of miles away. Phone calls and emails and text and FB and tweets fail to capture the true essence of life in the way that a real live visit does. She got divorced and fell into a serious but unhealthy relationship over the last few years, and it was delight to see that she's finally passed all that. At least, I think. And it was great to see that she's got her self-confidence back, after everything she's been through, great to see her proud and strong and gorgeous and full of hope for the future.

That is what I want for all of my friends.

Happy Birthday Miss M!!

2011-01-09T03:25:00.001-05:00

We are having an amazing 1st birthday adventure this weekend. Will post more later, when I'm not trying to corral a wild child in a non-childproofable hotel room!

Daydream

2011-01-05T13:30:00.004-05:00

If I had a superpower, it would be to stop time--freeze the world around me so that I could run around and get everything done. When I am really busy, I sometimes imagine how great this would be, people frozen in midstream as I bobbed and weaved between then.

Or maybe it would be to levitate like a hovercraft, so I could fly over traffic and people, and get places faster--you
know, so I could get more done.

What would your superpower be? And would you have an alter ego like Bruce Wayne, or would you be all Batman all of the time?

What the New Year Brings

2011-01-02T15:52:00.004-05:00

Warning: this is going to be a long and rambling mind-dump, because that's what I need tonight.

We have been doing a fair bit of traveling lately, and more often than not, T. carries Miss M. in the Baby Bjo.rn. We have an E.rgo Sport, too, but she can't face out in that, and we both prefer for her to be front rather than back. We use the carrier rather than the stroller, love our BOB though we do, because European cities obviously don't have the ADA, and NOTHING is handicap accessible/stroller friendly. You can only lug your stroller up and down so many flights of stairs before determining that it's just not worth it. It's lovely for long jaunts on foot, and we use it often for that. But for anything involving a subway/train/taxi/etc., it's all about the baby carrier.

Which is a long way of saying that Miss M has been spending a fair amount of time suspended in front of T while we wander around. Given that she is prone to smiling and waving at everyone around her, as well, she is quite the little conversation starter. People often ask if she is our only child, and without fail, T tells anyone who will listen--shopkeepers, grocers, etc.--that we are "negotiating number two" right now.

(By the way, we introduced cheese a few days ago, and she loves it like nothing else--it is the only thing she will feed herself, and she will shovel it in until you refuse to give her any more. We have been feeding her other food (her usual amounts) until she refuses any more, and then we give her cheese. We thought we'd finally stumbled upon an easy way to add calories. . .but she just pooped for the fourth time today. T just walked in here with her to change her, and you might be able to smell the patina on that one from here. . .thankfully he is taking care of the diaper. We might need to back off the cheese. I may be worried about her weight and how much she is willing to eat, but cheese apparently is not a panacea.)

Anyway, back to a second child. T is ready to go. He feels like he's not getting any younger, he's having a blast with Miss M, and he's ready for another. It was a bit shocking to me, I have to say, because he's home with her full time, and I sort of thought that he might be feeling a bit ragged. But that's not the case.

I, on the other hand, am not feeling ready. It is still a biological impossibility, in any case--my period has not yet returned. I am slowing on the pumping now, and think I may have ovulated a few days ago, based on how I was feeling, so I think this is a temporary matter. Even if that wasn't the case, though, I still feel like I need some time off, some time to reclaim my body from physically sustaining a child for a bit.

There are three other issues, though. One is the question of timing, in terms of Miss M. What is the right span between children? There are about 5 years between both T and I and our respective next closest siblings, age-wise. We agree that 5 years is too long. More importantly, we both think 5 years is too long for both of us to wait, given our ages. It is a biological imperative that we try sooner rather than later (that is kind of the second issue, so more about that in a minute). If five years is too long, what is the right amount of time? Two years? Three years? I read recently that a study showed that 24 months between pregnancies is ideal. Ideally, I think I'd like a span of about three years. It seems like the right amount to me. I can't say why, exactly--it just does. Enough time to enjoy with Miss M alone before we have to divide our attention, I guess.

The second issue is that biological imperative of time, however. With every chime of the clock, my fertility slips away. I don't know how long it will take us to get pregnant, if we can get pregnant (and I am assuming that we can, and that it will happen quickly--live in my utopia for a bit, will you?). We also don't want to be elderly before our kids are grown. So, there is the age thing.

Finally, there is the matter of personal timing. My current contract calls for me to be here until the fall of 2012. After that, if I choose to
renew, we may well be relocating to a so-called third world country. In fact, for a lot of reasons, that will likely be the case. Medical care may be mediocre at best, in that case. So, we'd be much better off being pregnant HERE, rather than waiting.

It would be ideal to have a baby between January and April of 2012. I could fit in a little maternity leave, come back, finish this assignment, and then the baby would be a bit older by the time we moved to wherever we move to next (assuming I stay with this company). Even better, our former nanny is coming to live with us in the spring. She's planning on living with us for a year, and would be here to help out after the baby was born, under this scenario. That would be really amazing. Miss M would be at least two by the time the baby was born, which is a decent span.

I guess I feel like that strikes the right balance between all of the considerations--my need for a bit of time off, the age thing, the span thing, the career thing.

There are other things that cross my mind on this issue. For instance, will I be ready in just a few short months? And are we sure we want more than one?

We're sure we want more than one child. We are both certain of that. Does the child need to be biological? I think T. might think so, although we have not discussed it. Truthfully, I could very comfortably adopt, at this point. I feel no need to be pregnant again. Indeed, adoption even appeals to me on many points. I doubt we will go down that road, due to the expense, the time consuming nature, the uncertainty, and the invasiveness of the process (I hate the idea of a home study, as much as I support the need for them). It all seems so unpleasant, the adoption process. The end result is obviously delightful, but am I strong enough for that? I don't know if I have it in me. It seems like such an emotional slog.

So, it's back to the final thing that is wearing away at the edges of my conscience. . .am I ready to become pregnant again? Am I ready to try? Physically, emotionally ready? I know that I am not. I don't just need my body back. I need to reconnect with myself, and with T. We are so focused on Miss M and so many other things. We need to refocus on US.

I guess what it all boils down to is that I need to recenter myself. I need to feel refreshed on all fronts, before I think about trying for number two. The problem is that I feel the clock ticking. We really do probably need to hit that window of time, if we want a second child. That only gives me until March or April to get myself patched back together.

I'm pondering how best to do that.

On The Last Day Of The Year

2010-12-31T13:40:00.009-05:00

I have had a perfect day-the perfect way to end what was probably the best year of my life.

You know how sometimes you plan to do something, and your plans don't work out? If you're me, you then try not to get annoyed, while desperately trying to salvage something of the day. So Christmas Eve afternoon turned into one of THOSE days. We were on a street corner in the city, plans dashed. We had just visited a large and lovely church, and although I am not religious and this church was not my own religion, there was a quiet spirituality in the air, and I lit a candle in thanks for the wonderful year we have had. While I did it, I also said a short prayer for a man sitting in a nearby chapel by himself. He looked so alone, so sad. Anyway, shortly after that, we were outside, plans in disarray, when all of a sudden this bus went by.

The bus was headed in the direction of a neighbourhood near ours, and there was a stop right in front of us. We were a long way from my neighbourhood, but inspiration struck, and I checked the sign at the bus stop. Sure enough, the bus route wound it's way past some of the most impressive sights in the city, before heading toward our neck of the woods. We hopped on the next bus, and for about a buck, we got a delightful tour of the best parts of the city. It was an amazing find. Equally as good was the discovery that the bus dropped us right near this cozy little restaurant we've been meaning to try, where we had a charming Christmas Eve dinner.

So this morning, we rolled out of bed early to go collect a fresh houseguest from the airport. After leaving her luggage at the house, we wandered our neighbourhood and picked up supplies for tonight. Then we hopped on the bus, our new scenic tour bus, and took her around the city. We had planned to go to this restaurant I've wanted to try, but when we got there it was closed. It was in a neighbourhood we used to live in, so we wandered for a bit. We ended up at this gorgeous dim sum place that was incredibly inexpensive, delicious, and beautifully decorated, with kind staff to boot (Miss M threw her spoon from home on the floor, and the waiter thoughtfully brought her another one AND RAN HER SPOON THROUGH THE DISHWASHER!). At the end of dinner, instead of regular shaped fortune cookies, they had long round ones with hollow centres, and the fortune was rolled up like a scroll inside. Mine reads:

Happiness is a healthy mental attitude, a grateful spirit, a clear conscience, and a heart full of
love.

Happy new year. May 2011 bring much happiness for each and every one of us, and a magic scenic bus on those days when it feels like we could use a little help.

Miss M at 9 Months, and at 11 Months and Change

2010-12-28T06:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Miss M,

I wrote this first bit a few months ago, intending to finish it later, and well. . .you are a busy baby, and time flies! So without further ado, here is a snippet of your life at nine months:

I have slacked off a bit in writing you these monthly updates--hopefully, you won't mind. With life being as full as it has been these recent months, I have chosen to spend every spare second with you, rather than in documenting your progress. It has been a delight to spend time with you, and by taking this new, crazy job, I have had more time than I ever imagined to enjoy our life together. But first, let's talk about what we've done together in recent months:

First, we moved out of our beautiful, newly renovated house. You had the most perfect nursery there. It was simply gorgeous. But we decided that you would have so many exciting and wonderful opportunities if we moved, and after all, it was just a room. So we packed it up, and we moved to a big city a few hundred miles from our home.

When we got to our first new city, we went to the zoo right away. You had a nice time, even though it was very hot in the city. We soon discovered that it was going to be that hot EVERY DAY, which was something new for all of us. We were lucky, though, because our new building had a swimming pool. When we first took you in to swim, you weren't so sure about it, but you soon took to the water like a little duck. You LOVED the pool, and we tried to take you swimming in your little reusable swim diapers as often as possible. You weren't afraid to get your head wet, and often dunked your own face in the water. You kicked your legs mightily, splashed and played like you had been swimming for years. You absolutely loved "motorboat, motorboat," and would giggle hysterically as we went faster and faster. You made friends with a little girl just a couple of months younger than you, too, and we'd all go to the pool together. One day, the two of you even showed up in the same swimsuit!!! We have the pictures to prove it.

You soon adapted to a new routine in our new city--you loved to be out and about, and we could take you just about anywhere. You just love to people watch, and see what's going on in the big world around you. Unfortunately, that natural curiousity about the world also meant that you didn't love to sleep. Naps were a rarity, and although you'd slept through the night for two whole months before we moved, once we did move, you stopped sleeping well. It happened at the same time that you learned to roll over, which was right after we moved. Coincidentally, this is also when we transferred you from the bassinet to your beautiful crib. But, you were having none of it. I was in training all day every day, in a packed classroom for hours on end with few breaks, and I really needed to pay attention. So, we brought you into bed with us in the hopes that you would sleep better. It worked! You've been in our bed ever since. . .and you are something of a bed-hog.

While we were still in the U.S., you progressed very rapidly. You learned to sit up one day, and literally a few days later, you learned to crawl. As soon as you figured out crawling just a little bit, you'd mastered it. A few days after that, you were crawling in textbook perfect fashion, and you are FAST!!! We have to keep an eye on you, because you are independent and fearless. It seems like you've been trying to crawl since you were born, and just waiting for the moment you got strong enough.

Shortly after we moved to Europe, you got a bit stronger, and were finally able to stand. You've been standing for weeks, and you are now starting to let go of whatever you have pulled up on. You are quite pleased with yourself when you let go and are able to remain standing for a few seconds before you fall. You seem to know that it's an accomplishment. I have read in my books that the hardest part for babies when they learn to pull themselves up is getting back down on the ground, but not you. As soon as you learned to pull up, you figured out how to get down right away. You push off from whatever you are holding and pop down on your bottom into a sitting position. It is a riot to watch. I MUST get some video of your technique!!! You are getting good at taking a few steps to get closer to whatever you are holding onto, but you are not yet cruising around holding on to the furniture. We know it is just a matter of time, however.

A few days ago, you learned how to clap. It is a delight to watch, especially because you are so pleased with yourself when you do it. You laugh and smile so much, and are such a happy child. I feel so lucky, so blessed, to be your mother.

You are sleeping particularly poorly of late, and I think it must be related to learning to stand, and your first attempts at walking. You have been having screaming fits in the middle of the night, which do not wake you up. I am the only one who can comfort you--you want no part of daddy when this happens. If I comfort you, you settle back into sleep within a few seconds, but if daddy tries to comfort you, you wail on and on and on until I come running. It is the only time you are like this, and we are a bit perplexed by it. Some nights, we wake countless times, while others, it happens only two or three times. It is very odd, and my mother says that I did not do this as a child. She also has noted that you are very loved and very well taken care of, such that she cannot imagine what is troubling you in your sleep!

You have gotten to be a good little eater. We are getting about 25 ounces of breastmilk into you a day (we are still nursing mornings and evenings, and I pump at works so that you can have bottles while I am gone). You have never had a drop of formula, and have never been sick, which I am very proud of. It's been a lot of work to keep up my milk supply for you, with all of the moves and new jobs and changes, but I like to think you are worth the hassle of it. I won't even whine to you about all of the time I've had to spend pumping in bathroom stalls when there has been no other option, or pumping for five minutes on a break from the classroom, because I've been given no more time than that. It's been crazy, but we've made it work. You hate rice cereal, by the way--oatmeal was a big hit, but you would never eat the rice. We haven't given you rice in months, you hate it so much. Daddy opened a new box of cereal the other day, only to find that you were refusing to eat. He couldn't figure out what was wrong, until I got home from work and looked at the box--it was rice! Unfortunately, we've had trouble finding baby oatmeal here. Hopefully we will track some down! You also love applesauce, but your most favorite food of all is pears. You adore pears, and will eat giant tubs of them. You like all other fruits, and pretty much hate all vegetables. We are still trying, though. Chicken, sweet potatoes, avocado, and pasta stars are all up next. It's a bit difficult, though, because you like routine, and you aren't all that interested in finger foods yet--you prefer your meals pureed and on a spoon, thank you very much! Still, we are slowly trying to get you to put cubes of banana and little baby rice cakes into your mouth yourself. You DO need to learn to feed yourself, after all!

You are starting to amass a stockpile of toys. You have a talking Elmo (from my mom, your grammy), a talking frog (from grammy), and assorted musical toys (also from grammy--are you sensing a theme? Grammy must be trying to get back at mommy for something!). I just gave you a set of blocks, and you are particularly enamored with those. You especially like knocking them down when I build towers for you. You constantly crawl around with a block or two in your hands. You also constantly fall on them, and since they are large and plastic, it must hurt, because you sure do howl when you do so.

And now, at 11 months and change:

We just had a magical first Christmas with you. Your Grammy and Grampa came over to spend it with you. Grammy mailed box after box in advance of the holiday--a Radio Flyer horse, a basketball hoop, a stuffed ladybug, a ride on trike, and blocks, just to name a few of your gifts. Santa brought you a musical instrument set, a toy that uses air to blow balls up and around a track while it plays music, a musical workbench complete with drillpress and hammer (Santa knew daddy would love that!), blocks, books, and a toy house front with a little talking door, mailslot and more! You haven't stopped playing since then. We clearly needed more toys for you, but we were waiting for Christmas, and it is fun to watch you play with all of them. It was delightful to watch you try to open things--you love paper, and would rip off small pieces, then hand them to me. Eventually, we'd get the package open, and then you'd play with whatever it was. It took us two days to open all of the presents, and there was one left over for yesterday. The aunties were all very generous, as well, and sent you more wonderful toys and beautiful clothes. You will be the best dressed baby this season (as you always are--the aunties love to shop, as does grammy!). You got the cutest little red peacoat, among other things. Santa knew that your family was going to be very generous this Christmas, so he donated in your name to charity, through your local newspaper at home. The newspaper published a little poem Santa wrote to you, along with the amount of his donation in your name. Mommy will preserve that for you. Santa left a copy of the poem in your stocking, as well.

You have grown by leaps and bounds over the last two months. We realized that you were sleeping poorly because at around 10 months, you finally got your first tooth--a center bottom one. A short time later, the second one came in. They are a bit crooked, but you are very cute with them. You only nipped me a few times with them as you nursed, before learning that I don't want you to do that. Of course, you continued to do it for a bit, smirking and giggling as I told you no--clearly indicating that you knew better! But you've stopped, thankfully.

You also started walking at about 10 months. At first, you cruised the furniture, but within a few weeks, you were letting go, and now you are very steady on your feet. At 11 months, you started running, even. You can bend down and pick something up, then stand and walk, without holding on to anything. You are fast, fast, fast! We have to be careful to latch the baby gate, because when you see it open, you are like a flash, and it's right near the stairs. You are also learning to go down those, on your belly, and up them, as well. You are quite good at that, but lose interest after about four stairs.

Since getting your teeth, you have finally learned to nibble on rice cakes, and you'll eat a little bit of them. You still have little interest in feeding yourself--you'd much rather play with the food. We struggle to get enough into you, as you are so busy and interested in the world around you that you'd rather than stop to eat. For a long while, it was breastmilk, oatmeal, apple and pear sauce for you. But, we've finally struck upon some other foods that you like--yogurt, cottage cheese, pretty much any fruit (peaches, bananas, blueberries, etc.--even pumpkin and sweet potato, mixed with other things!). You don't like pasta much--you eat whatever it is mixed with, and spit out the pasta. I think it is a texture thing. You are no longer drinking so many bottles--if we get 15 ounces into you, we are doing well. You still nurse morning and night, although that is tapering off, too.

You've grown to love bathtime. You started standing in the tub, which scared me, but also made me realize that it was time for tub toys. Thankfully, I thought ahead and bought a supply before we left the US. Once we brought those out, you focused on playing, and stopped trying to stand up.

You hate sitting still to have your diaper changed, and fuss when we make you hold still. Ditto for being put in your snowsuit, although you love to be put in the Baby Bjorn and taken out for a walk. You are incredibly well behaved when we take you out and about, and everyone comments on that. Since you were born, you have loved to be on the move. It doesn't matter how late we have you out, either--you remain good natured. You are very social, and love engaging with people. When we are on the subway or in restaurants, you always try to catch someone's eye and smile at them. They can't help but smile back, and you love it when they do.

You are still a peanut. You are in 9 months sized clothing, but we still have some 6-9 month, and even some 3-6 month items that fit you, depending on the brand. We try to get as much food into you as we can, but you are just not a big eater, and it makes me worry about your weight. I finally packed away the smallest baby clothes in your wardrobe, even thought some of them technically still fit, simply because I was tired of the labels reprimanding me! I know that you are hitting all of your developmental milestones and hitting them early at that, and you are happy and pleasant almost all of the time, so there is nothing to worry about. But still, as your mother, I can't help fret over your weight.

You have a few words--mama, dada, and hi. Daddy taught you to shake your head "no," as well, and you do it indiscriminately, mostly to make us laugh. If I shake my head "yes," you respond by shaking your head "no." It is quite funny, and you do it with a big smile. You also wave "hello," and "goodbye," including to yourself in the mirror in the morning when you first wake up. It is hilarious. You started waving weeks ago, but have gotten really good about it in the last week, responding to anyone who says "hi," "bye," or waves at you. You love to wave at strangers, too. It is just adorable. You've also learned this week how to cluck your tongue. I'm not sure how or when this came about--grammy did it to you, and you did it back, so it's possible you learned it from her. That's certainly where you learned to blow raspberries! Which, I should mention, you do when you are finished eating. You refuse to eat any more, and blow raspberries so we can't possibly get another bit in you. You do it at two points in the meal--when we finish up with the "main course"--ie, oatmeal, signaling that you are ready for fruit, and then when you are done with your fruit.

Grammy enjoyed every minute of you while she was here, and took piles of pictures of you. We are going to make her a book full of photos of her trip. She left this morning, and was quite sad to go. She said she doesn't get enough time with you, and she is right. You adore playing with her. Although, you clearly have a preference for mommy at certain times, which was a bit of a surprise to us. Since you have been just with daddy and I for the last few months, we didn't realize that was the case. It is lovely to have you reach out for me, and lay your head on my shoulder when I pick you up. You fell asleep in Grammy's arms a few days ago, though, and I think she was in heaven.

While she was here, we did a bus tour of the city. You slept through the entire thing. You just love white noise, and were oblivious to the city traffic and the woman providing live commentary throughout the trip. I kept checking on you, laying there in your Baby Bjorn on daddy's chest, to make sure you were okay. You still are not the greatest napper in the world, taking two short naps if we are lucky, so I was surprised to see you sleep for so long. Grammy clearly tired you out, because you are taking another long nap right now. You also fell asleep yesterday for a second time while we did a tour of one of the city's big sites. You were a delight in the restaurant at lunch, waving and smiling at another family across the restaurant who had a baby the same size as you. It turned out that their daughter was just six months old, although the same size as you!

You usually don't go to bed until after nine, and sometimes it's after ten. We try to get you in bed before then, but you are too active, and crawl around instead of falling asleep. It just doesn't work. It makes it hard for me to get anything done at night, because I play with you until bedtime, and by the time you fall asleep, I am exhausted and go to bed, too! You sleep fairly well, though, and don't wake up until 7:30-8am. You still sleep in bed with us. We think about transitioning you back to your crib, but you completely freak out when you wake up alone in it, and right now we are taking the path of least resistance. We know you will sleep by yourself eventually, and right now, we are all getting plenty of sleep, so we aren't messing with a good thing. You love to snuggle with me in the night, and when you do awaken, I can quickly get you back to sleep within minutes. You are lovely when you wake up in the morning--all smiles when you see us. You just have the best little personality. We enjoy every minute with you.

For your first birthday, Auntie R is coming to visit, and we are planning a big trip to another city. It is going to be spectacular, I think. It's a little over the top, actually, and I can't promise that all of your birthdays will be like this, but perhaps!

I love you fiercely, my dear child. You are such a gift, and I am so thankful for you. I think back to last Christmas, when I was massively pregnant and uncomfortable, the house unfinished, the future uncertain, and I can't believe how much has changed for all of us. It's hard for me to imagine my life without you--that it has been such a short time is unconceivable. You are just SUCH a gift, a dream realized and luxuriated in every minute of every day.

Hello Again

2010-12-18T17:20:00.005-05:00

Has it really been two months since I posted? It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but I guess it has been. I haven't been writing, I haven't been reading, I haven't been anywhere near the computer. I must say, I've missed this--all of it. I've been busy living, though, and something had to go, and it was the internet. But I'm back. I need the outlet!

Life is busy. Miss M is fabulous, and I spend every spare minute with her, just soaking up her supreme babyliciousness. Every day, she grows and changes and expands her world. It is just tremendously satisfying to experience. Being her mother has satisfied something deep in my soul. But more about her and all of that in another post. I need to get other stuff down today--so much other stuff that I don't even know where to begin!

The job alternates between being utterly cool and making me feel like a huge loser. I guess that's to be expected--I completely changed fields, and there is obviously a learning curve. Some days I am on top of the world, and things just snap into place. But some days I just feel so irrelevant. I spent a decade working on important stuff, and could easily find ways to make myself needed. The work I'm doing now is important, but not in quite the same way, and I am not yet the one people turn to when they need someone for the tough stuff. It's weird. Growing pains, I guess. I know I'll get there--I remember it was like this a decade ago, and I know I'll work my way through it.

And it's not all bad, not by a long shot. There are days, hours, moments of bad, but there is plenty of good, and a pile of cool in between those. And did I mention the amazing baby? Even if work totally sucked, I do have her. It doesn't suck. For instance, last week I went to a cocktail party after work, one that I wasn't particularly interested in attending. I had a bit of trouble finding it; it was in a quiet building lacking signage, behind an anonymous door featuring a man with a clipboard and a guest list, and up three flights of stairs. It turned out to be an intimate affair featuring free-flowing alcohol and fancy finger food. I barely looked around upon entering, so disinterested was I in attending. So much so, in fact, that I nearly smacked into Kevin Spacey, who was immaculately dressed and as charming as you might imagine. But then, actors are generally on, aren't they?

But that wasn't my only brush with fame this week. I'm currently sitting here watching a movie as I write this, and as it turns out, I ran into one of the movie's actors in my neighborhood grocery store today. He apparently couldn't find the bread product he was looking for. I would tell you who he is, but you know how crazy I am about security, and you'd know where I lived if I mentioned it. Suffice it to say that makeup helps men out on camera as much as it does women. He looked thin and pasty and old today. It's funny living in a big city, as opposed to our former little town. These are just the sorts of things that happen--famous people are out, living their lives.

I don't have a good seque into breastfeeding from there, so let's just jump, shall we? I am still breastfeeding. Miss M will be a year old in a few short weeks, and that was my goal in the beginning. Anything more than that is gold. I am so proud of myself that we made it thus far, despite the moves and the career change and the utter chaos. That said, I can't wait to stop pumping at work. When I started the job, I realized that pumping in my office would be impossible (glass walls). The bathrooms are cold and feature multiple stalls--no privacy. They ended up building a "lactation room," but it's a single bathroom that they put some chairs in, and worse, men use it to go to the bathroom. There are a few men who clearly don't like to poop in stalls, and go out of their way to seek out this location to use it for that purpose. So gross. And it's near the garage, so it's totally freezing. I hate it, but there is NO good place to pump in our building. I am down to pumping twice a day at work. Oh, I can't wait to not have to pump at work! Miss M still is very attached to nursing in the morning, at night just before bed, and while she sleeps, if she wakes up. I think it will be hard for her to let go of, but we won't do anything cold turkey. I'm going to stop pumping at work in a few weeks; we'll see what happens with my milk supply after that.

Although I am not pumping as much as I once was, my period has not yet returned. T. has started talking about #2, but I am not there yet. I'm clearly not there physically yet. But I'm not there yet mentally ,either. I'm physically just wrung out. Between the year plus that I spent eating well and taking care of myself while I was pregnant or trying to get pregnant, and then the last year of breastfeeding, I'm just exhausted. I want my body back to myself for a bit. I want to be free for a little bit. I just need a time out. And I'm not sure about juggling with a second child. We are managing with one, but two feels like it might be chaos. T. is home with Miss M full time, but it's still not easy--I'm still washing plenty of dishes and doing laundry and errands, errands, errands, and working and playing with baby, and shopping for gifts, and preparing for visitors and. . .it just feels chaotic now, and I worry about handling it all with one more.

That said, I certainly want another child. Our family doesn't feel finished. I don't really want Miss M to be an only child. We are tabling the discussion for now. We'll see how I feel in a few months.

Miss M is sleeping fairly well. However, she is in our bed still. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it is completely and totally working for us. We're all getting sleep. She settles really fast when she wakes in the middle of the night, if she wakes at all, that is. She goes to be between 8 and 10 (depending on whether she's taken 2 or 3 naps during the day--three results in Energiz.er bunny Miss M!), and sleeps until 7:30-8am. But, she also likes to snuggle close to me all night, and she is a little furnace. Or, she lays perpendicular, and I get kicked in the face. I love that our nights involve actual sleep, but I would also like to reclaim my acreage. Or at least stop getting kicked in the head.

I know there are people who have sex all of the time, and are parents to small children. Those people are not me. I know it's from the breastfeeding, but sex remains fairly uncomfortable, even when I'm not so exhausted that I actually am up for it. The body really is miraculous in the way that it manages resources. Mine clearly does not want to be pregnant again right now! I am hoping that my hormones bounce back to normal when breastfeeding slows further in a few weeks.

I am super excited about Christmas, because we have company coming. It's going to be an over-the-top affair, I'm afraid, because everyone has been sending enormous boxes of presents. More on that later.

For Miss M's birthday, I also have an over-the-top celebration planned. I will tell you all about it, but probably after the fact, because I am exhausted, and going to bed.

Seriously, I am so tired.

The Second Act

2010-10-17T06:06:00.002-04:00

Aside from a few posts I have managed to squeak out over the last few weeks, I have been away from the internet. With the big move, the new job, the second new city in four months, a new routine, and the crappy internet that I am inflicted with until my real internet is installed (in two MORE weeks--damn European utilities!), blogging and blog reading has been all but impossible (oh, and I don't have a cell phone yet, which is how I was reading blogs, for the most part, which has complicated matters further--curses to the European utilities and banking industry, again). I must say, I have really missed this community. I promise that I'll be catching up on reading and commenting in coming weeks, as the dust settles around my new life. I hope wonderful things are happening out there.

As for me, I truly feel as though I am in the harbor of my life as I have entered this second act. I have this amazing baby that continues to thrill and astonish me every day (there will be an upcoming post all about her). I have a wonderful husband, who has been lovely and accommodating, even though this move isn't nearly as easy for him as it's been for me (it's hard to meet people in a new city when you are the man home with the baby). We are living in a gorgeous place, where I have a cozy, proper office that looks out over a garden, from which I am typing right now. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the roses are even still blooming here. It is a magical time in my life.

That's not to say that everything is perfect (the non-perfect parts, too, will be the subject of an upcoming post). But it is very, very good. I feel like the struggle and strife and difficulty of the last few years has finally given way--like it all finally paid off. I feel like I went through all of that turmoil so that I could get here. Sometimes it takes my breath away, how lucky I am. When I nuzzle soft fuzzy baby hair, when I hear her giggles, when I wake to her giant grin. . .I just think of how blessed I am. On top of that, to have tried for almost 18 months to get a job that I hoped would be fabulous, and then to get that job, and find it every bit as fabulous as I had imagined it would be--there is something so powerful about that. I am so proud of myself that I stuck with it, that I worked hard to get somewhere, and that I actually achieved all of this. To be living in a European city is also such a gift (even despite the recent terrorism warnings). Yesterday, we strolled for hours through parks and city streets, stopping occasionally for cappuccino or pastries or gelato, and it was just magnificent. We didn't do anything terribly unusual--it was rather ordinary, in fact, but it was beautifully, enjoyably ordinary in a way that I cannot even put into words. I feel like I am living whole again. I guess that is it--I feel whole, for the first time in a very long time. In fact, perhaps for the first time ever.

As we meandered down a quiet wooded path yesterday, through an enormous park, I commented to T. that it feels as though it's been years since we left our home in New England, since I worked at my old job, but it's been just four months. These have been the longest shortest four months of my life, by which I mean that they feel long because we packed so much in, but they just flew by--dissolved. Since mid-June, we have lived in two different major cities, I have gone through three different sets of training, we have met two different sets of people (and still continue to), we have finished a major renovation of our house, we have packed up all of our things and moved hundreds of miles (twice!) and through it all, we had an infant who grew and changed and thrived despite the chaos. Looking back, it seems impossible that we jumped off that cliff and trusted that we would fly, but we did, and I must say, the views are just amazing. It feels so good to soar.

Morning Drama

2010-09-30T17:24:00.002-04:00

I was reading something a while ago, and it said something along the lines of "everyone's baby eventually rolls off the bed." And I was like, "oh my--not mine!!!" Because, you know, I am super neurotic, and I would never let anything like that happen.

Yeah.

So this morning, I turned around for a second to dig out the ointment because Miss M has a diaper rash all of a sudden (her first, which is a whole other story). I turned back only to see her turn and giggle at me as she hurled herself off the side of the bed. She didn't just roll off--she dove!!! I managed to get my hands on her legs as she was going over, which broke the fall a bit, but she still landed head first. Luckily, the bed isn't very high and the floor is well padded.

I think she was more scared than anything, and she started wailing. I felt horrible, of course, but all i could think was "she's got a head injury or a neck injury." I put her down immediately so I could check her out, which only made the crying worse, because of course she was find and just wanted to be cuddled. In hindsight this seems a little crazy, but I was freaking out that she'd really hurt herself. She was fine 60 seconds later, but it took me a bit longer to calm down.

The toddler years are going to send ME over the edge!

Postcard From Europe

2010-09-29T16:39:00.000-04:00

You know how you can't fit much on a post card? That's kind of like what this post is going to be like, because I am tired and feel like I am coming down with something.

But still, I wanted to update, because it's been FOREVER!!!

We had a blissfully uneventful trip over. Miss M. was a delight on the plane--she fell asleep just as we took off, slept for a few hours, then was awake for a few (and flirted with the man next to her the whole time), then slept again. I think the key was ensuring that she had the pacifier in during every bit of takeoff and landing, and making sure we had a bunch of toys with us. I found pacifier clips on Amazon that can be used to firmly attach toys to carseats, and they worked like a dream while we were in transit.

The last few weeks have been a blur of starting a new job (again), unpacking, and exploring our new city. My employer found our housing, and we have been delighted with the quality and location. It's the kind of neighborhood I've always wanted to live in, too, with loads of fabulous amenities nearby. We are having a blast here. Miss M is just delightful--crawling at the speed of light, pulling up on everything (and, a week and a half shy of 9 months old, letting go--she is anxious to walk, and determined. . .I really did get the restless child that I was, much to my chagrin). She makes a beeline for all the things we don't want her near: stairs, electrical cords, sharp corners on furniture, dead spiders. She laughs and smiles all of the time. . .except when she doesn't get her way, in which case, she fake cries. When I call her on the fake crying, she gives me a shit-eating grin, as if she just knows she's been busted. She is a delightful handful.

So, things are good. I find that I am. . .happy. . .here. It feels so odd to say. As months pass, and I continue to shed my old self, I have been recognizing just how toxic certain aspects of my old life were. It is so refreshing, so much fun to start over. I knew it would be good for me, but I truly had no idea how much I would enjoy this. I thought it would be hard, I thought it would be a challenge, and it is both of those things at times. But it never occurred to me that it would be so much FUN to move to a new place, live in a new country, try a new profession, work with new people. Every day is such a joy. I feel so blessed, to have this husband, this baby, this job, this LIFE. It feels so good, and it is nice to finally feel so good. I think I became so beaten down for so long in my old life (and principally by my old job) that I no longer recognized that life could be this good. I am so glad I made this leap of faith.